Puppies and Pity

We're getting our puppy today!!  So to be clear, we already have one dog. She's a beautiful 3 year old lab mix named Dixie who's only 32 lbs and still looks like a puppy. Everyone's always surprised when I tell them how old she is. My husband got her when she was the littlest puppy and I met her when she was two. She's the sweetest girl, absolutely loves to snuggle and is incredibly well behaved. The only problem is her shyness around other dogs. Whenever we take her to the dog park, it takes her awhile to even let other dogs come near her. At the vet the other day, the doc told me that getting a new puppy might help bring her out of her shell. I hope that's the case.

Dixie and her weird flipped back ear lol

Our new puppy, Brighton, is a little yellow/white lab mix. He's got a tiny pink nose and green eyes. Adorbs. I already love him and we only spent two hours together. I'm supposed to pick him up today around noon, but the way my life goes, I'll believe it when I see it.

This is a common thing I've noticed...  Infertiles getting dogs in lieu of children. I'm very aware that Brighton is not a baby and I won't treat him as such, but it's the first thing in my life that I'll have from the (almost) beginning. I am so aching with love to give that I can't wait for something to shower in it. I know a puppy is not a replacement for a baby, but I've been waiting two years for a child with not even a glimmer of hope. A puppy, we can buy. Or in this case, rescue.

I feel that the hole in my heart for my unborn baby is a deep, dark cavern, filled with cracks and chilling water. It's been shaken so many times that it becomes deeper and deeper through each heartbreak. This puppy will fill the tiniest fraction of the cavern. Maybe it will become a guard rail at the opening to caution any viewers that might fall into the endless abyss. All I know is that I'll have something to hold. Something that I can call mine.

When we went looking for puppy stuff the other day, I felt an excitement that I had long since buried. Tiny accessories for a tiny body. Sure, it was leashes and collars and dog bowls, but it was new and little and I could buy them without the objects mocking me with their uselessness in my life right now.

See I don't ever go into the baby section of stores. I try to avoid them like the plague. Anything with a tiny child's face on it is like kryptonite to me. They have no use in my life at the moment and sometimes I feel like they won't ever will. So I stay away, far, far away. Because far away is the safest place for me. If I don't see that babies and families and pregnant women exist, I can forget, for a time, that they do.

And that is what's been on my mind as of late. I'm sure those who know our situation might think to themselves, "Good for them, at least they'll have a puppy." I know it's true. Sometimes I can sense their pity. They can't relate to the pain and for most, empathy is difficult and out of reach, so they pity me and my sad state. It's fine. I don't need it, but it's better than apathy. But that's a whole other post. ;)

So, yeah. Puppy. Today. Pictures to come.

Caution: Sadness Crossing

Boston. How I miss you. I only lived outside the city (Allston then Brighton) for a short time, but my heart has always been there. If it hadn't been for meeting my amazing husband and moving to NC, I'm sure I'd still be there today... 10 minutes away from the bombing site and among the chaos that is this crazy manhunt. It's hard to concentrate on anything else except the heartache and suspense of finding the terrorists who have hurt so many people. Yet I find myself reflecting on so much sadness today.

I've tried to put TTC out of my mind for this month. I've tried to focus on moving and organizing and buying new things for our apartment, but it's hard. Hard to know that today could have been our 4th IUI. Next month marks another mother's day that I can't celebrate.

In a few weeks is my niece's 1st birthday. How I adore that little girl, yet her big day brings back such painful memories for me. I wish I could've been at her birth and held my sister(inlaw)'s hand. I wish that seeing that baby girl for the first time would have only brought me overwhelming joy. But it's with mixed emotions that I face the next few weeks.  I would love nothing more than to share in what seems like the rest of the world's happy time. A (seemingly) whole month devoted to celebrating mothers. A title that I long to have. An identity that continues to elude me. But how I chase it. Every moment of every day I'm reminded of what I am not. At the store, on tv, outside my home and at church. Everywhere there are pictures of the happy family that I don't have.

I don't mean to be morose  I've been trying to keep busy with various life things but it's the quiet times that I remember the hole in my heart. Its gentle aching as I snuggle my puppy. Especially the times that I pick her up and hold her on my lap. What I wouldn't give to be holding my child..

*sigh*

....Speaking of puppies, and a change of subject before we all drown ourselves in my depression, we're trying to adopt one! A puppy that is. I found myself at the Guilford County Animal Shelter a few days ago, playing with the most adorable 7 week old puppy. Black and white and cute all over. (sorry the quality's not so great - she wouldn't sit still for her photo-op)

Oh it is so happening. I will adopt a puppy if it's the last thing I do. Or at least the first thing I accomplish this summer.

And with that note, I'm gonna go buy myself something pretty. Specifically makeup, groceries and possibly some dry shampoo. Oh, the exciting life I live.