Dobry Den!

Hi.

It's been a while. Sorry about that. The past few weeks have been crazy, but you don't want to hear about that. If you've been following my story, you know that we're in the Czech Republic.. like.. right now. And we are! It's amazing. No, it's not paradise, but it's beautiful here. The people are nice enough the the weather is great, although a tad bit chilly (tho you won't hear any complaints from me).

But onto the good stuff - we had our first ultrasound appointment on Thursday. I met Petra (one of the coordinators) and she was absolutely adorable. She was incredibly sweet and accommodating. She listened to each and every one of my concerns and answered all my questions. I didn't meet Dr. Vrana (who has been my doctor thus far) instead I met the other doctor, whose name slips my mind, and he was also very nice.

My ultrasound showed 15 follicles, which is awesome. The largest of which was 13 but mostly around 8 to 10. The doctor was pleased with my results and increased my Gonal F injections from 225 a day to 250 on Friday and 275 Saturday & Sunday. He also prescribed me Cetrotide which prevents the body from ovulating on its own.

My next appointment is tomorrow at 8:30. I'm looking forward to it. I really hope I responded well to the extra meds and my follicles will be much bigger. I'm also secretly hoping that I have even more sneaky little follicles pop up with the extra meds.  The doctor informed me that, even though I have 15 follicles, probably 10 of them will actually contain eggs, and then less than that will fertilize after the retrieval and 4 or 5 will make it to day 5.

This is just an average but pretty accurate. I'm hoping to the be exception and get more than what he assumes I will. Tomorrow he'll also let me know when my retrieval will be. He thinks it'll be on Thursday but we'll confirm this during our appointment.

I'm pretty ready to get this over with. The shots have been making my tummy so bloated. So if my pants aren't stretchy or just way too big, I'm not wearing them. But I realized yesterday that I haven't been eating much. I mean, we have to shop in foreign grocery stores so we don't have a ton of food in our apartment, but I just haven't been hungry. Being puffy really causes my stomach to think it's already full, so I keep skipping meals and not even realizing it. But today we're putting forth an effort to really eat more. I don't want my little follies to be malnourished!

And that's it for now. I've been super distracted so I haven't felt like blogging since we arrived, but I wanted to let you all know how I was doing. Our apartment is super bright and clean. I absolutely love it. The tram is right across the road so it's perfectly convenient and I LOVE public transportation so it's such a treat for me. Today we plan on doing some sight-seeing and touring the city. Altogether we've been taking it easy and really enjoying our time here. It's so nice to have my DH with me 24/7. :)

Hope you're all well! I'll check in after my next ultrasound!

Eating Our Feelings

We went to the beach. The water was freezing so there was no swimming, but Dixie was all about the water. It was adorable. The weather was actually pretty good. It did rain but it was after our beach going so we were in the hotel room anyway. It was a nice time. A pleasant distraction.

You see, this past Friday was our big appointment with the new RE. He was fantastic. He spent over an hour with us, went over every piece of information we provided him and really shot it straight. So yeah, we were pleased with him. It's just... well, the news wasn't so great.

If you've been following our story, you know we've done 3 IUIs. DH's numbers were good for one and not so fabulous for the other two. In the words of our new RE, his results were "dismal." Ouch. DH seemed unphased but that one stung. Our last doc didn't seem concerned with his numbers; in fact, they pinned the issue mostly with me. "Ovulatory dysfunction" he called it.

Well new RE disagreed. After reviewing all of my blood tests, ultrasound results and response to medications, he thinks that I'm just about perfect. Sure, my cycles could be a bit longer, but they're well within the normal range.

So that left poor DH. We had suspected that there might be a sperm issue, but no one had pinpointed it before. This time we finally got a clear answer. The new RE didn't think that it would be impossible for us to get pregnant doing another IUI, but the chances were slim. I think he said 5% to 10% at best. And putting me on injectables (which is what our next plan was going to be at Wake Forest) would be a waste of time because I'm responding well enough to Femara.

Then he took out the big guns: IVF. He didn't want to scare us or pressure us into doing something we weren't ready for, but he assured us that the sperm issues we were having would no longer be a problem with IVF.

We weren't prepared to hear that. We walked in there thinking that he'd give us a different protocol for our next IUIs or run some more blood tests for me or maybe a laparoscopy. But nope. All of that would be a waste of time...Technically we're still unexplained but most likely MFI.

So here we are. Candidates for IVF. Wow.. who'd have thought it.

We talked about IVF for a good part of our trip there and back. I wanted to know when IVF could happen and DH was just processing all this new information. I knew hearing that it could be MFI would hit him pretty hard. He's used to being the guy who can fix everything. And he does. Somehow, some way he fixes everything. But he can't fix this. We're helpless on our own and that breaks his heart, my heart. It kills me to know that he takes responsibility for us not being pregnant. I know in my heart that it's the combination of the two of us, but he doesn't buy it. But honestly, regardless of whose biological issue it is, we're not pregnant and God intended it to be this way.

So this was a heavy weekend. Coupled with that stupid greeting card holiday, it was a lot to take in. But we're starting to look at overseas IVF because IVF here at home won't be an option for years.

Where do you go from here? How do you just wake up one day and realize that your body has betrayed you and still be fine? I'm willing to do pretty much anything to start a family.

And after all that, we decided to have nachos for dinner last night. I'm pretty sure that was the first time DH has ever eaten his feelings (I'm a veteran, naturally) and he certainly deserved to. I love that man. I'm so proud to call him my husband. Proud of how hard he works on a daily basis.  Proud that he takes such good care of me, of his family. And one day I hope to make him a father because I know he'll be amazing. I want him to feel confident in everything he does, so my new mission in life is to make sure he feels 100% supported, loved, taken care of and well fed. Seriously, you can't neglect the food part.

And any extra prayers you happen to have lying around you can throw our way.

IUI #3 and the case of the evil doctor

It's 2 days past our 3rd IUI. I never enjoy these procedures  but I particularly disliked this last one. I had my least favorite doctor at the practice (there are 3) who performed my first IUI after which I bled for 3 days. The IUI itself was somewhat painful and then afterwards I had cramping for several days. She did my ultrasound once as well which was also painful. She's just bad. I'm very unhappy with her and I hate when she's (seemingly randomly) selected as my doctor.

So as I'm laying oh-so-vulnerably on the table in the waiting room, feet in stirrups and a blanket draped over my lap, I confess to this doctor that the first time she did my IUI, it was painful. I asked if she could possibly slow down this time as to not hurt me. Her reaction was less than empathetic. She told me that my cervix was the problem and that I have some type of tissue that would just be scratched no matter what. I replied that when a different doctor did my second IUI, not only did I not even feel it, there was not a drop of blood when he was done. She said that she'd done hundreds of these and that SHE wasn't the problem.

If I hadn't been in such a state as I was, I'd have kicked her in the face. Unfortunately, she was just about to do the IUI and I didn't want to make her mad in case she would hurt me more. Needless to say, it hurt this time as well, but not as bad as the time before. Her reaction was infuriating and I plan to request her taken off my case.

Now that I got that out, I feel a little better. We've decided to start possibly looking for a new RE. We've barely spoken to Dr. Y as it is and it seems like no one at this clinic is really concerned about our issues. I had initial blood work taken but beyond that, I haven't heard a peep. Finally I asked the very sweet nurse who always recognizes us when we come in, what our next step should be. I let her know that I already made an appointment with Dr. Y to discuss what we should do next and she assured me that he'd have a plan for us which would probably include injectables. But because I'm so "young" he's not in a hurry to move us along.

So what, I have to be 38 to get some attention around here?!?!  Because my FSH is only 9.8 I'm not considered an important enough case??  My DH's results have been less than stellar, but I don't see any concern. Why not?!

This is why we're looking for a new clinic. I just want to know that someone's even looking at our file. I feel like we're just put away, never to be seen again until I initiate contact. It's all so exhausting.

DH's numbers weren't awesome this time. Last IUI they were 19mil, this time 7.5mil. He was so discouraged when they told him the numbers. If I wasn't on the table at the time, I would have hugged him so hard. It just breaks my heart to think that he feels like the problem. Honestly, I believe it's the combination of us both. My less than stellar egg quality and his not-so perfect numbers.

We decided to take next cycle off if this one is not successful. I need a break from the meds and from never being able to drink coffee or wine or eat tumeric. Yes, tumeric..  lol Apparently it stimulates the uterus which is a no-no for TTC. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells during the TWW. I'm tired. I need to relax for a bit and not monitor everything I do.

So here we are. Two days past IUI. I wonder what the next two weeks shall hold..

IUI #2

Wow, so much has happened in the past few days...It's been pretty busy around the apartment. We had IUI #2 this past Tuesday. That makes today 2DPIUI. The timing wasn't so perfect because we had to travel to Winston-Salem since they only do IUI's in the Greensboro location on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. This meant that we needed to get a hotel room for the night and wake up the next morning, time everything perfectly and get all of our stuff outta the room to make it on time to the appointment  The doctor's office ended up rescheduling us the day before from 9:30 to 11:30. I was pretty stressed about that, but the doctor who performed the IUI seemed absolutely thrilled with the timing.

The good news was that DH's numbers were 5x better (yep, you read that right) than the first IUI. Talk about a boost of self confidence! We were so happy to hear that. Unfortunately that doesn't guarantee that the IUI will work, but it certainly means that we can rule out MFI. 

So now I'm in the dreaded 2WW. Yesterday I was completely exhausted and spent the day being barely awake. Today I let myself sleep in a little more and had energy to go for a walk and do some chores around the house. Altogether it was a very low-key day but that's how most of my days are spent when I don't have the truck. 

I watched the 2nd season of Guiliana&Bill with DH yesterday and it really hit home with us. Besides the fact that they were a little clueless about what an IUI was, it was nice to hear the voice of infertility so proudly rung on tv. But it's still hard not having anyone to confide in IRL. The only girl I knew who was struggling with IF, ended up getting pregnant at the end of last year without assistance. I was happy for her but, you know how that goes, she's joined the "others," no longer in the silent sorority.

I don't know if this cycle is going to work. I want it to so badly. I pray that it does, but I'm also trusting in God's plan for us. He knows the perfect time for me to get pregnant and even though I think now would suit us just fine, He has the final say. So I pray for faith and hope and believe that God will bless us with a family when He sees fit. *sigh*

And that's it for the moment. Now I'm off to make some dinner!

Big day: IUI #1

Here it is, early 2013.. Can you believe it's already February? Well it is. So much has happened already this year. My SIL and BIL moved to Greensboro and are staying with us till they land on their feet. It's wonderful having them around but I'm sure they're ready to get out on their own again. I know how hard it is moving somewhere new. It can be challenging for sure. 

Now onto the important stuff: we had our first IUI. It was around 10am on 1/31. It was pretty stressful. I was initially told that we'd get there at 8, hand in the sample, have it processed and be ready to do the IUI by 8:30. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind waiting.. for a baby, I'll wait all day, but my expectations were that the processing of the sample would only take 30 minutes. Instead, we waited for 1.5 hours. Talk about anticipation. Just as DH was about to get up and ask them if something was wrong, they called my name.

The IUI wasn't too painful, but my cervix did get nicked when they inserted the catheter. It was a little shocking and mostly just crampy with some bleeding aftewards. I felt delicate for the rest of the day. DH dropped me off at home and I just sat on the couch for hours scared to move and mess up something. The doctor also told us to have sex the night of the IUI and the day after. That was pretty nerve wracking as I was still worried that I'd bump something and it'd all get ruined. Of course this isn't true, otherwise they wouldn't tell us to do it.

So now it's 4dpiui. I've been experiencing some cramping and bloating, but who knows if that's in my head, if it's ohss, or just regular tummy problems. I have no clue. I've been praying like a crazy person. I realize that if this doesn't work, we have the means to try again next cycle, and we will. But I want this to work. I really want this to work.

I hope and pray that our infertility journey will end in 2 weeks, but I'm also realistic about it. DH's numbers weren't fantastic but they were "good enough." I found out that my FSH is a little high but my AMH was perfect. Holy relief! All my other levels were totally fine. Maybe it's a little bit of endo? Who knows.

I'm hoping I can look back on this blog in a few months and remember this struggle and learn from it, but know that we can move past it. I hope so. I pray that'll happen. I really really do.