Dobry Den!

Hi.

It's been a while. Sorry about that. The past few weeks have been crazy, but you don't want to hear about that. If you've been following my story, you know that we're in the Czech Republic.. like.. right now. And we are! It's amazing. No, it's not paradise, but it's beautiful here. The people are nice enough the the weather is great, although a tad bit chilly (tho you won't hear any complaints from me).

But onto the good stuff - we had our first ultrasound appointment on Thursday. I met Petra (one of the coordinators) and she was absolutely adorable. She was incredibly sweet and accommodating. She listened to each and every one of my concerns and answered all my questions. I didn't meet Dr. Vrana (who has been my doctor thus far) instead I met the other doctor, whose name slips my mind, and he was also very nice.

My ultrasound showed 15 follicles, which is awesome. The largest of which was 13 but mostly around 8 to 10. The doctor was pleased with my results and increased my Gonal F injections from 225 a day to 250 on Friday and 275 Saturday & Sunday. He also prescribed me Cetrotide which prevents the body from ovulating on its own.

My next appointment is tomorrow at 8:30. I'm looking forward to it. I really hope I responded well to the extra meds and my follicles will be much bigger. I'm also secretly hoping that I have even more sneaky little follicles pop up with the extra meds.  The doctor informed me that, even though I have 15 follicles, probably 10 of them will actually contain eggs, and then less than that will fertilize after the retrieval and 4 or 5 will make it to day 5.

This is just an average but pretty accurate. I'm hoping to the be exception and get more than what he assumes I will. Tomorrow he'll also let me know when my retrieval will be. He thinks it'll be on Thursday but we'll confirm this during our appointment.

I'm pretty ready to get this over with. The shots have been making my tummy so bloated. So if my pants aren't stretchy or just way too big, I'm not wearing them. But I realized yesterday that I haven't been eating much. I mean, we have to shop in foreign grocery stores so we don't have a ton of food in our apartment, but I just haven't been hungry. Being puffy really causes my stomach to think it's already full, so I keep skipping meals and not even realizing it. But today we're putting forth an effort to really eat more. I don't want my little follies to be malnourished!

And that's it for now. I've been super distracted so I haven't felt like blogging since we arrived, but I wanted to let you all know how I was doing. Our apartment is super bright and clean. I absolutely love it. The tram is right across the road so it's perfectly convenient and I LOVE public transportation so it's such a treat for me. Today we plan on doing some sight-seeing and touring the city. Altogether we've been taking it easy and really enjoying our time here. It's so nice to have my DH with me 24/7. :)

Hope you're all well! I'll check in after my next ultrasound!

The Most Unfortunate Place for an Infertile

Today's a big day. Today I took my first birth control pill. I can't believe the irony of how exciting that is. What's more, you should ask me where I got my birth control.

Planned Parenthood.

Oh yes.

I ordered BCP, Prednisone, Folic Acid, and Synthroid from my clinic in Czech. They shipped it over a month ago and, as of yesterday, it hadn't arrived. It's lost somewhere in post office land. This has plagued me with anxiety over the last few weeks. I've stalked our mail man on several occasions. I've gone to our post office several times to see if they have it. Nothing.

Extreme measures had to be taken. Where is an easy place to get birth control? Yep. So I went. Needless to say, it wasn't enjoyable.

I arrived at 12:15 and filled out my paperwork. 30 minutes later I asked to use their restroom so they let me back and handed me a cup. "What's this for?" I asked. "A pregnancy test." "Oh, well I don't need it, I just got my period today." "It's procedure, we have to test you."

I'd be lying if I said that didn't sting a little. What stung worse was when they gave me the results. "You're not pregnant, don't worry."

Oh, wow. Okay. For the first time in 35 cycles of trying, someone else said that to me aloud. Yes, I'm well aware that I'm not pregnant, that's why I'm here at your trashy little establishment!

The nurse came in and we went over my information. I told her why I needed the BCP and she understood. After she left the room I overheard her talking with the doctor and another girl. "So she's here for BCP for her IVF cycle."  "What's IVF?" (um, can you imagine asking this  now?)  "It's in vitro-fertilization (moron!)"  "Well why does she need BC for IVF?"   "To regulate her cycle."

I wanted to burst out of the room and tell that idiot asking all the questions to google once in a while!! I knew what IVF years ago, before I was married, before thinking of babies, before understanding infertility. Ugh, the ignorance!

But I didn't do that. I just sat in the room.. waiting.. humiliated.

I got my prescription and left as fast as I could. Cried in the car, naturally. We managed to convince an RE in the area to write me prescriptions for the rest of the medication I needed. I wish I had just asked him for the BC and saved myself another awful experience.


But here I am, my first day of BCP. I have my medication schedule for the next few weeks. I hope the end of this month goes by fast. I've been occupying myself with buying a few things for the trip. I need a new purse - the straps are falling apart, this is a great excuse. I'm also looking for leggings and some jeans shirts to wear once I start doing injections and become a human pincushion. I can't imagine feeling comfortable in jeans once that starts.

I'm trying to stay positive - I've started saying "when" we get pregnant instead of "if." I have no idea what effect this has, if any, but it can't hurt. I just wished I fully believed it. Maybe it'll be different once we're there. Once I'm pumped full of hormones and they start taking pictures of my ovaries. Maybe then I'll feel hopeful, positive, even confident.

So I wait. Just a little longer.

I drank wine from the bottle last night.

I'm not proud of it, but it happened. And it wasn't as delicious as I'd hoped it be. Better luck next time, I guess.

Okay, I've been depressed. Not your typical "I had a bad day, it rained, I spilled coffee on my skirt, my dog chewed my favorite shoe" kind of depressed. No, more like, "It's noon and you actually want me to get out of bed?? What for?" Yeah, that kind.

Since getting off of Zoloft I've had a horrid time with withdrawal symptoms. Nausea, fatigue, anxiety, depression, random bouts of crying. It's been fun. It's tapered off a bit. I no longer have those crazy "brain zaps" they tell you about. I haven't felt  nauseous lately either. So that's been better.

But the depression.. Oh, the depression. I've been haunted by it. I have a little dark cloud over my head that follows me everywhere. Sometimes I forget that it's there and I can feel normal, but other times, it surrounds me.

I suppose it could have something to do with my Thyroid. I had my bloods stolen the other day and I sent the results to Reprogenesis. Apparently my TSH is super high. They want it to be around .5 to 1.5 for IVF. My TSH was 3.6. Yikes! According to the standard, anything about 2.5 is considered abnormal and potentially hypothyroid. I guess that explains why I have the stamina of an 80 year old lady.

Seriously, this is my very sad daily routine: I leave around 2:30 to go to the store. I head to Whole Foods and search for delicious things, then I drive over to Ulta and stare at the clearance aisle for about 30 minutes but buy nothing. I then head to the Christmas Tree Shop and walk around there for about 45 minutes. I buy whatever wonderfully cheap items they have there and then walk next door to Target where I proceed to purchase whatever items Christmas Tree Shop didn't have. Then I go to pick up my husband from work.

(Also, my day just sounded a lot more pathetic having written it out. Can you believe that this is what I do most days? How sad! What kind of person am I??? :( Ugh..)

As I walk out of Target to the car, I can't wait to collapse into the seat. I'm exhausted. I drive the 5 minutes to DH's workplace and wait in the parking lot to pick him up. But I don't even want to move at this point. We drive another 5 minutes home and I wish he could pick me up out of the car and walk me up the stairs to our apartment. I find my way to the couch and would love nothing more than to fall asleep and wake up 3 hours later.

This is not normal!!!! I am only 28!!!

But now I at least have an answer to why I tire so very, very easily. My TSH is out of control. Fortunately, they're sending me medication to bring it down. Apparently, a high TSH causes miscarriage. I'm glad they checked for it. Wake Forest never bothered to check. Surprise, surprise.

I hope that it'll help with my depression, or at least mask it by giving me super energy. I'll take any kind of help that I can get at this point.

34

34

That would be the number of cycles we've tried. I counted them today. I haven't done that in a while. I stopped when we were hitting 20 because I felt like I was punishing myself. But today, I was curious. So by the time we do IVF, it'll be 36 cycles. That's 3 years worth of trying, yet it's been just over 2 1/2.

AF came today. It's fine. No, it's good. It's a good thing. It means that I can start BCP in a few days. It means that I can get my blood drawn on Wednesday to test my hormone levels and send them off to my clinic. But ... it also means one more thing - I am not a mother. Still.

It's hard not to feel insignificant when you count up the times you've tried to get pregnant and realize that you should easily have two children by now. That stings.

It's hard not to feel insignificant when you drive to the grocery store and can't park in a space because it's reserved for "mothers with children."

It's hard not to feel insignificant when you turn on the news and you hear about the excitement of other women's impending births.

But not yours. Not mine. I am childless.


...*deep breath*


Still, I have hope. Not that I'll one day be a mother, but that God will take these deep, dark, voids filled with pain and tears and wasted days and fill them with a peace that only He can give.

In the midst of the tears I cry today, I feel overwhelmingly thankful. I have a God who watches over me. I could be a lost soul who would never know the goodness and grace of my Heavenly Father, but He chose me from the beginning of time and He works every piece of my life for good.

So I may be scared that this upcoming IVF will fail, but He is not. He knows the outcome. I know that should always be enough for me, but I must admit that my faith waivers. Sometimes I forget that when I say He works everything for our good - that it is also for His glory. So when he allowed Job's family to be killed, it was for His glory. When He allowed Joseph to be taken into slavery, it was for His glory. When allowed Hannah to feel the pain of a barren womb year after year, it was for His glory. But we take comfort in the troubles they faced because we know the beautiful end to their stories, just as God knows the end of ours.

I can't imagine how denying us a child would glorify my Saviour, but I can guarantee that it will. And just the fact that God has a plan for us is humbling. Some people's paths are smooth and easy, with seemingly small hills. Some are clear and obvious. But ours is filled with trees and rocks, blocking our path. The storms we face make it hard to see. It's discouraging. Yet in this struggle God is trying to teach us something.

So for now, that's good enough. The small, quiet moments that I know God is whispering to me. That I know He hasn't forgotten about me. I know He sees my tears today. I know He feels my heart break. And it's in these times that I feel Him the closest to me. For this, I am grateful and humbled and hopeful.

Moving Along

It's been awhile, hasn't it? I've been meaning to write but couldn't quite drag myself to the keyboard. Sure, I've been on the computer, checked the stats of my blog, looked in on some other bloggers I follow, but I haven't taken the time to write down my thoughts.

Why? Well, we all know it fairly well by now: Anxiety. Infertility is riddled with it. Sometimes it's during the TWW. Sometimes it's preparing for a medicated cycle. Sometimes it's just waiting around contemplating what to do next.

I am very anxious. We're down to about two months until our first IVF cycle. Honestly, I'm scared. Scared of what might happen before the cycle... Will we make it there in time? Will I take the right amount of drugs? Will I ovulate early? Will I be sick from the medication? And then of course, what if it doesn't work? How will I handle it? I'm usually a pretty good judge of my reactions. I've known myself for a while. ;) But I honestly do not know how I will cope with a failed cycle. Sure, plenty of warriors have gone before me and completed IVF after IVF, but I don't know if I'm strong enough.

How do you know? Am I cut out for this? I mean, I guess I am cuz I've committed to it this far. We haven't sent them the check yet, but we're all in it. I won't change my mind. I want this. I want to try. I just want it to work.

So, I'm scared. I'm worried. I want to feel hopeful but it's too complicated to feel purely one emotion. I can't be *too* hopeful or *too* scared. I must manage my expectations.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been slowly coming off of Zoloft. I've been on 50 mg for almost a year now and I've forgotten why I needed it. It's been really hard. Dr. Vrana (the doctor at Reprogenesis) wants me to stop Zoloft for the cycle anyway so I figured I'd go off of it now before starting BCP and adding that to the mix. But it's been rough. I need some kind of help. I feel like I'm dangling from a cliff.

Okay, so that's my world right now. Here are the logistics:

We've changed our IVF date from October to mid September. We're planning to be there around September 18th. My coordinator at Reprogenesis told me they can modify the timing of the IVF by using birth control pills and I trust them. They've done this a few times.

We've changed apartments too and are staying in this one:   It's similar to the one in my last post, but bigger and looks more like a regular apartment, except super freakin fancy. :)  We'll be there for approximately 16 days and DH will be with me the entire time.

Originally I was gonna fly there alone and then meet up with him a week later, but I realized that this is too emotional to do alone. And I can't imagine having to give myself bum injections. Oh, and I won't have to lift a finger the whole time (which the clinic requires after ET anyway), so that's a plus. And I'm a super newb when it comes to traveling abroad, so it'll help to have someone with me the whole time in case I have a nervous breakdown in the airport.

And that's the plan. I should get my period sometime this weekend which will then be followed up by getting blood drawn for all my hormones (LH, FSH, TSH, Estradiol, and Prolactin). Never thought I'd be excited about a blood draw..

I think I'm gonna start writing more technical posts, too. I really want this blog to benefit someone who is considering doing IVF abroad. I've found a few blogs about it and it really helped to read a personal point of view. So at some point I'll write a list of all the things Reprogenesis has required me to do and questions I've asked. Just not today.

Today I needed to force myself to write. And I did. There it is.

Let the fun begin.

We had our consultation today with Reprogenesis in Brno, Czech Republic. It was awesome. They called us over Skype and we voice chatted while parked in front of the nearest AT&T store. We have HORRIBLE cell reception and internet at our apartment, so calling from home was not an option. Fortunately, the AT&T store didn't open till 10 and we had our call at 8 so we camped out there for an hour.

The doctor was really helpful and his English was very good. He answered all of my questions and went through the IVF process in detail. Needless to say, I'm excited. I wish it was October already. And the obsessive organizer in me wants to start taking birth control pills next month so I can know exactly when we'll have to be there.

Part of the process leading up to IVF is being on birth control pills which is done to regulate your cycle. Plus, I think it makes your ovaries "quiet" so that when they inject you with crazy hormones your ovaries will be like, "holy crap, I wanna make 1 million eggs!!!"  Or at least, that's my interpretation of it.

The doc recommended that we do PICSI to give the sperms a little extra *oomph* which will only improve our chances. Clearly these aren't real medical terms, but I'll spare you the gory details. We're planning to do the embryoscope too which will increase our chances an additional 5 - 10% (from a 50% chance of success), and in the world of infertility, that's a lot! Right now we have about 1 - 2% chance to conceive on our own, so I feel pretty good about these odds. The clinic has a success rate of 60% for women up to 40 doing IVF with their own eggs (as opposed to donor eggs). They don't break it down for women under 35, which I think if they did that it'd be an even better percentage. Your chances to conceive start to steadily decline after 35.

So it's been a good day. It's gonna be hard to not have any structure over the next few months. I finished up school yesterday and got a big ol' A. I'm kind of a rockstar at takin' 1 class at a time. Don't be jelly.  ;)

I guess that's it for now. I'm not feeling particularly sassy or funny, so this is more of a general update. Oh and here's a picture of the apartment that I booked (tentative dates, of course) while I'll be staying in Brno. Super cute, right??


It's a 5 minute ride to the clinic and in the middle of everything. There's a grocery store right down the street so I can stock up and eat real food while I'm there. There's a kitchenette and a burner too. Below is the view and the tiny terrace. Yes, I will be drinking coffee out there in the morning. So. Excited.

Control and my lack thereof

Ever feel that you have absolutely no control? Spend two plus years in the trenches of infertility and you will be well acquainted with that feeling. So this is my attempt at control - I'm researching the crap out of IVF in the Czech Republic.

It's intense. At the moment, we're trying to choose a clinic. I have found myself being excited and set on one place, only to stumble upon another website with amazing statistics and great accommodation. Then I realize they're too expensive and go back to the drawing board. It's a merry-go-round. A foreign, confusing, time sucking merry-go-round.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I'm oozing with anticipation of the possibility of pregnancy by the end of the year. After all, I kind of gave up on that idea a while ago. Sure, it could happen. It's possible. It's also possible that a record producer could hear me singing along to some tunes in my car with the windows down and offer me a record deal on the spot.

Okay, maybe that last part's not so possible..

But this is more than a dream. It's really, truly, honestly possible now. I've seen our chances. I've read all the scientific research I could get my hands on. I've seen the glowing patient reviews. That could be me. I want to be that kind of statistic. The kind that gives other people hope. I don't wanna be 1 in 7 anymore. That sucks. It's depressing. And more importantly, it sucks. I said that twice but it was worth repeating.

So that's been my life lately. When I'm not doing studious school-type things, I'm googling hotels in Prague, scouring countless infertility message boards, and counting every penny we can put towards treatment.

I haven't even thought about how painful IVF can be. I can't think about that. It's going to happen.. The pain, that is. So many shots. Some in the tummy, some in the leg, some in the bum.

They're all gonna hurt. But that's par for the course.  I've heard that some people get pregnant by just having sex and that it's fun??? Clearly someone's spreading lies because it's impossible to get pregnant without at least 2 shots, a handful of pills, and a room full of doctors. Right? Or at least that's what I've been told.

I just want it to be October already. I want to have chosen the clinic, talked to the doctors, and ordered the medication. I want to have the plane tickets in hand and my luggage packed. But I guess I'll wait. What's a few months now, anyway? 

In the mean time, I get to have control over my spreadsheet. You know the one - it's full of clinic names, dates, prices, numbers, websites, etc. I'm gonna take it everywhere with me and when I start to feel like I can't control anything, I'll look at my spreadsheet and all will be right with the world.

That's weird, right? I'm weird.

IVF, Europe, and just because.

Where to start?  I've been an absentee blogger as of recent, not for lack of events in my life, but more like a lot of distractions. We visited my husband's family for his youngest sister's high school graduation last weekend. It was wonderful to see everyone but it was an incredibly rushed trip. We pretty much drove all night Friday, saw her graduate on Saturday, and left on Sunday. Got back at 5 in the morning. Fun stuff.

And then there was a puppy picture.

I spent a majority of last week recovering from that and working on school stuff. Oh, I started a psychology course! It's awesome! I love it. I know I'm about 10 years behind everyone else who took this stuff when they were 19, but I'm at a point in my life when I can really enjoy it. I feel like if I had gone to college in my late teens, I'd have used that time to hang out with friends and be rambunctious.  So in a way, I'm blessed to have the opportunity to learn now.. when I know how valuable education is. Having worked that much harder to compete with all the college grads in my life wasn't easy. But whatever, I'm taking one class. Whoopdeedoo.

I posted my blog to pinterest for the first time the other day. I got a bunch of hits from it. I like knowing that people are reading my story. It is a little unnerving tho... Knowing that friends and strangers are peeking into the window of my life.  But I've always been somewhat of an open book. Now that infertility has all but taken over, it's even more so. I've noticed that I'm much more... vocal about things that I probably would not have been pre-IF. But that's the way life is - you grow and change. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's just because. I'm probably somewhere in the land of "just because" at the moment.

Okay onto the important stuff: IVF. Yes, we're really doing it. I had a sneaking suspicion when we started this journey that we'd end up doing IVF. I'm surprisingly at peace with it. We're looking at IVF in the Czech Republic. Now before you go, "huh??" I'll tell you that it's a completely legitimate idea. There are plenty of couples who travel overseas for fertility treatment. It's hella cheaper (think $2,500 for IVF - less meds - to $11,000 - less meds in the US) and the facilities are very modern and on the cutting edge of new technologies. I'm so excited. AND I get to go to Europe!!! Win, win for me!

Of course, DH will be coming with me.. Just, later. I'll have to be there for about 21 days for injections and monitoring and then DH will get there a week later and do his businesses. We're starting to plan for it now. I'm waiting to hear back from the clinic to start the process. We're thinking it'll probably happen sometime between October and January.. depending on when DH can get time off of work and how expensive flights are.

In the mean time, I feel normal. I'm not spending every waking moment wondering if we'll be pregnant this month. I'm at peace with the fact that there's only a 1% chance that we will. And that's fine. It's not great. It's not good. But it's fine. 

Eating Our Feelings

We went to the beach. The water was freezing so there was no swimming, but Dixie was all about the water. It was adorable. The weather was actually pretty good. It did rain but it was after our beach going so we were in the hotel room anyway. It was a nice time. A pleasant distraction.

You see, this past Friday was our big appointment with the new RE. He was fantastic. He spent over an hour with us, went over every piece of information we provided him and really shot it straight. So yeah, we were pleased with him. It's just... well, the news wasn't so great.

If you've been following our story, you know we've done 3 IUIs. DH's numbers were good for one and not so fabulous for the other two. In the words of our new RE, his results were "dismal." Ouch. DH seemed unphased but that one stung. Our last doc didn't seem concerned with his numbers; in fact, they pinned the issue mostly with me. "Ovulatory dysfunction" he called it.

Well new RE disagreed. After reviewing all of my blood tests, ultrasound results and response to medications, he thinks that I'm just about perfect. Sure, my cycles could be a bit longer, but they're well within the normal range.

So that left poor DH. We had suspected that there might be a sperm issue, but no one had pinpointed it before. This time we finally got a clear answer. The new RE didn't think that it would be impossible for us to get pregnant doing another IUI, but the chances were slim. I think he said 5% to 10% at best. And putting me on injectables (which is what our next plan was going to be at Wake Forest) would be a waste of time because I'm responding well enough to Femara.

Then he took out the big guns: IVF. He didn't want to scare us or pressure us into doing something we weren't ready for, but he assured us that the sperm issues we were having would no longer be a problem with IVF.

We weren't prepared to hear that. We walked in there thinking that he'd give us a different protocol for our next IUIs or run some more blood tests for me or maybe a laparoscopy. But nope. All of that would be a waste of time...Technically we're still unexplained but most likely MFI.

So here we are. Candidates for IVF. Wow.. who'd have thought it.

We talked about IVF for a good part of our trip there and back. I wanted to know when IVF could happen and DH was just processing all this new information. I knew hearing that it could be MFI would hit him pretty hard. He's used to being the guy who can fix everything. And he does. Somehow, some way he fixes everything. But he can't fix this. We're helpless on our own and that breaks his heart, my heart. It kills me to know that he takes responsibility for us not being pregnant. I know in my heart that it's the combination of the two of us, but he doesn't buy it. But honestly, regardless of whose biological issue it is, we're not pregnant and God intended it to be this way.

So this was a heavy weekend. Coupled with that stupid greeting card holiday, it was a lot to take in. But we're starting to look at overseas IVF because IVF here at home won't be an option for years.

Where do you go from here? How do you just wake up one day and realize that your body has betrayed you and still be fine? I'm willing to do pretty much anything to start a family.

And after all that, we decided to have nachos for dinner last night. I'm pretty sure that was the first time DH has ever eaten his feelings (I'm a veteran, naturally) and he certainly deserved to. I love that man. I'm so proud to call him my husband. Proud of how hard he works on a daily basis.  Proud that he takes such good care of me, of his family. And one day I hope to make him a father because I know he'll be amazing. I want him to feel confident in everything he does, so my new mission in life is to make sure he feels 100% supported, loved, taken care of and well fed. Seriously, you can't neglect the food part.

And any extra prayers you happen to have lying around you can throw our way.