I drank wine from the bottle last night.

I'm not proud of it, but it happened. And it wasn't as delicious as I'd hoped it be. Better luck next time, I guess.

Okay, I've been depressed. Not your typical "I had a bad day, it rained, I spilled coffee on my skirt, my dog chewed my favorite shoe" kind of depressed. No, more like, "It's noon and you actually want me to get out of bed?? What for?" Yeah, that kind.

Since getting off of Zoloft I've had a horrid time with withdrawal symptoms. Nausea, fatigue, anxiety, depression, random bouts of crying. It's been fun. It's tapered off a bit. I no longer have those crazy "brain zaps" they tell you about. I haven't felt  nauseous lately either. So that's been better.

But the depression.. Oh, the depression. I've been haunted by it. I have a little dark cloud over my head that follows me everywhere. Sometimes I forget that it's there and I can feel normal, but other times, it surrounds me.

I suppose it could have something to do with my Thyroid. I had my bloods stolen the other day and I sent the results to Reprogenesis. Apparently my TSH is super high. They want it to be around .5 to 1.5 for IVF. My TSH was 3.6. Yikes! According to the standard, anything about 2.5 is considered abnormal and potentially hypothyroid. I guess that explains why I have the stamina of an 80 year old lady.

Seriously, this is my very sad daily routine: I leave around 2:30 to go to the store. I head to Whole Foods and search for delicious things, then I drive over to Ulta and stare at the clearance aisle for about 30 minutes but buy nothing. I then head to the Christmas Tree Shop and walk around there for about 45 minutes. I buy whatever wonderfully cheap items they have there and then walk next door to Target where I proceed to purchase whatever items Christmas Tree Shop didn't have. Then I go to pick up my husband from work.

(Also, my day just sounded a lot more pathetic having written it out. Can you believe that this is what I do most days? How sad! What kind of person am I??? :( Ugh..)

As I walk out of Target to the car, I can't wait to collapse into the seat. I'm exhausted. I drive the 5 minutes to DH's workplace and wait in the parking lot to pick him up. But I don't even want to move at this point. We drive another 5 minutes home and I wish he could pick me up out of the car and walk me up the stairs to our apartment. I find my way to the couch and would love nothing more than to fall asleep and wake up 3 hours later.

This is not normal!!!! I am only 28!!!

But now I at least have an answer to why I tire so very, very easily. My TSH is out of control. Fortunately, they're sending me medication to bring it down. Apparently, a high TSH causes miscarriage. I'm glad they checked for it. Wake Forest never bothered to check. Surprise, surprise.

I hope that it'll help with my depression, or at least mask it by giving me super energy. I'll take any kind of help that I can get at this point.

Things I wish I could say

Stay away from Target! At least until after Easter. That's the mistake that DH and I made today. We needed a few odds and ends so we braved the stores today. It was packed with families, children, babies, pregnant ladies, you name it. They were there... Waiting.. to ruin my day.

Fortunately we got in and outta there pretty quickly. And big news for me: I bought a pregnancy test. No, no, I don't think I'm pregnant, although I suppose it is possible (currently on 7dpiui) but I want to actually check this time. Normally I'll just temp until the end of a cycle and can predict exactly when AF will show up, but this time I want to see if I'm getting "a little pregnant" and then losing it. So for real this time, I'm gonna test on 11dpiui. I'm not expecting anything miraculous, but then again, my God is the God of miracles.

Onto more hilarious things..

I have a friend person who I've fallen out with as of late. Nothing spectacularly bad happened,  but we just kind of parted ways. It was prompted by her inability to regulate what she'd say around me. More often than not I'd leave her presence feeling just a little bit awful and it was always due to my infertility and her lack of empathy. Or at least the amount of empathy that I require.

I guess I'm a little hard on my friends that way. I've learned that you can't control the outside world (see: Target) but you can control who you befriend. In the past I would have probably kept someone around who occasionally insulted me, but since the knife cuts so deep with infertility, I can't spare the extra blood. I need my heart intact. I've learned that the easiest way to do this is simply distance yourself from those who don't have your best interest in mind. Oh, they may say they do, but their actions speak a different story.

Which brings me to the funny part. She recently lost her job (okay, that's not so funny) and I found this out in an email she wrote me. To give her credit, she was reaching out but I was definitely stiff-arming her. Part of my brain wants to just make her my friend again so there'll be no conflict, but the other part knows that I'll just feel crappy again, and that's the part I listen to.

Well I never responded to this email (sorry if I didn't feel heartbroken that she lost her job.. I had just finished a second failed IUI and would take a job loss over that any day) so she eventually wrote me again asking if I had moved. I decided to be cordial and told her we were planning to move in a few weeks and asked if she had found work yet. Her response was short: No, she hadn't found work yet. I had to restrain myself from responding what I really wanted to say... Here are a few snippits that popped into my head:

"Just relax, it'll happen."

"Are you sure you're looking for jobs correctly? Maybe you're looking for the wrong position."

"Oh I understand.. My best friend's cousin's next door neighbor lost a job too. It was so sad."

"You should just intern somewhere! It's not a paying position, but at least you'll have something to do with your time!"

"Seriously?? You can have my job! I'm so busy I can hardly stand it!!"

"You just lost your job? Oh that's such a bummer. I just got hired at the best job ever!! I'm so thrilled!!"

"Maybe you were just working too hard, so they had to let you go. Ya never know.."

"I swear, when you stop looking for a job, that's when you'll find one."

"My husband has more jobs than he can handle! I swear he sleeps and he makes money!" 

"I knew a girl who took a crappy job, then whaddya know, the next month her dream job fell into her lap!"

and my personal favorite...

"That's just awful. My uncle got laid off from a job once. He never found another. Poor guy. He died alone."


I should be a career counselor.