34

34

That would be the number of cycles we've tried. I counted them today. I haven't done that in a while. I stopped when we were hitting 20 because I felt like I was punishing myself. But today, I was curious. So by the time we do IVF, it'll be 36 cycles. That's 3 years worth of trying, yet it's been just over 2 1/2.

AF came today. It's fine. No, it's good. It's a good thing. It means that I can start BCP in a few days. It means that I can get my blood drawn on Wednesday to test my hormone levels and send them off to my clinic. But ... it also means one more thing - I am not a mother. Still.

It's hard not to feel insignificant when you count up the times you've tried to get pregnant and realize that you should easily have two children by now. That stings.

It's hard not to feel insignificant when you drive to the grocery store and can't park in a space because it's reserved for "mothers with children."

It's hard not to feel insignificant when you turn on the news and you hear about the excitement of other women's impending births.

But not yours. Not mine. I am childless.


...*deep breath*


Still, I have hope. Not that I'll one day be a mother, but that God will take these deep, dark, voids filled with pain and tears and wasted days and fill them with a peace that only He can give.

In the midst of the tears I cry today, I feel overwhelmingly thankful. I have a God who watches over me. I could be a lost soul who would never know the goodness and grace of my Heavenly Father, but He chose me from the beginning of time and He works every piece of my life for good.

So I may be scared that this upcoming IVF will fail, but He is not. He knows the outcome. I know that should always be enough for me, but I must admit that my faith waivers. Sometimes I forget that when I say He works everything for our good - that it is also for His glory. So when he allowed Job's family to be killed, it was for His glory. When He allowed Joseph to be taken into slavery, it was for His glory. When allowed Hannah to feel the pain of a barren womb year after year, it was for His glory. But we take comfort in the troubles they faced because we know the beautiful end to their stories, just as God knows the end of ours.

I can't imagine how denying us a child would glorify my Saviour, but I can guarantee that it will. And just the fact that God has a plan for us is humbling. Some people's paths are smooth and easy, with seemingly small hills. Some are clear and obvious. But ours is filled with trees and rocks, blocking our path. The storms we face make it hard to see. It's discouraging. Yet in this struggle God is trying to teach us something.

So for now, that's good enough. The small, quiet moments that I know God is whispering to me. That I know He hasn't forgotten about me. I know He sees my tears today. I know He feels my heart break. And it's in these times that I feel Him the closest to me. For this, I am grateful and humbled and hopeful.

Things I wish I could say

Stay away from Target! At least until after Easter. That's the mistake that DH and I made today. We needed a few odds and ends so we braved the stores today. It was packed with families, children, babies, pregnant ladies, you name it. They were there... Waiting.. to ruin my day.

Fortunately we got in and outta there pretty quickly. And big news for me: I bought a pregnancy test. No, no, I don't think I'm pregnant, although I suppose it is possible (currently on 7dpiui) but I want to actually check this time. Normally I'll just temp until the end of a cycle and can predict exactly when AF will show up, but this time I want to see if I'm getting "a little pregnant" and then losing it. So for real this time, I'm gonna test on 11dpiui. I'm not expecting anything miraculous, but then again, my God is the God of miracles.

Onto more hilarious things..

I have a friend person who I've fallen out with as of late. Nothing spectacularly bad happened,  but we just kind of parted ways. It was prompted by her inability to regulate what she'd say around me. More often than not I'd leave her presence feeling just a little bit awful and it was always due to my infertility and her lack of empathy. Or at least the amount of empathy that I require.

I guess I'm a little hard on my friends that way. I've learned that you can't control the outside world (see: Target) but you can control who you befriend. In the past I would have probably kept someone around who occasionally insulted me, but since the knife cuts so deep with infertility, I can't spare the extra blood. I need my heart intact. I've learned that the easiest way to do this is simply distance yourself from those who don't have your best interest in mind. Oh, they may say they do, but their actions speak a different story.

Which brings me to the funny part. She recently lost her job (okay, that's not so funny) and I found this out in an email she wrote me. To give her credit, she was reaching out but I was definitely stiff-arming her. Part of my brain wants to just make her my friend again so there'll be no conflict, but the other part knows that I'll just feel crappy again, and that's the part I listen to.

Well I never responded to this email (sorry if I didn't feel heartbroken that she lost her job.. I had just finished a second failed IUI and would take a job loss over that any day) so she eventually wrote me again asking if I had moved. I decided to be cordial and told her we were planning to move in a few weeks and asked if she had found work yet. Her response was short: No, she hadn't found work yet. I had to restrain myself from responding what I really wanted to say... Here are a few snippits that popped into my head:

"Just relax, it'll happen."

"Are you sure you're looking for jobs correctly? Maybe you're looking for the wrong position."

"Oh I understand.. My best friend's cousin's next door neighbor lost a job too. It was so sad."

"You should just intern somewhere! It's not a paying position, but at least you'll have something to do with your time!"

"Seriously?? You can have my job! I'm so busy I can hardly stand it!!"

"You just lost your job? Oh that's such a bummer. I just got hired at the best job ever!! I'm so thrilled!!"

"Maybe you were just working too hard, so they had to let you go. Ya never know.."

"I swear, when you stop looking for a job, that's when you'll find one."

"My husband has more jobs than he can handle! I swear he sleeps and he makes money!" 

"I knew a girl who took a crappy job, then whaddya know, the next month her dream job fell into her lap!"

and my personal favorite...

"That's just awful. My uncle got laid off from a job once. He never found another. Poor guy. He died alone."


I should be a career counselor.