And the journey continues..

I have to say, this has been a difficult week. Found out (not surprisingly) on Sunday morning that the IUI didn't work. Still went to church tho, so I get 5 points. I've been in a daze ever since. I don't know if I thought this one would work, but it feels different this time. I think it's because we're taking a break from treatments for a while. The last few times the IUI's failed, AF meant, not just that it didn't work, but that we could start over again. This time it means that it's over.. for the time being.

The other night we were sitting on the porch drinking beers (hallelujah) and it dawned on me... We've been trying for more than 2 years and over 30 cycles, yet I have never once seen two pink lines. Not even a little bit. Nothing.

See I decided to test this last time because I theorized that maybe I was getting pregnant but losing it soon after. Of course my theory was mistaken, but it meant that I bought a pregnancy test for the first time in a year. I stopped buying them because they were a waste of money and I could tell by my temperature if AF was coming or not.

I guess that's why this time is harder for me. I realized that this means I won't be a mother for stupid mother's day.. again. And that just breaks my heart a little more every time I think about it. The silver lining is the trip that we'll be taking to the beach. We went last year as well after I explained to DH that I couldn't stand the idea of attending church for "that day."  This year is no different. Another year past and still no baby. No pregnancy.

I'm sure I'll feel a little better as time goes on. I did start drinking regular coffee again and drinking beer. I stopped all of that for the last 3ish months and it's been freeing to be normal again.

I am looking forward to a few things: we're moving next Monday to Greensboro. We live outside the city limits at the moment and this move will put us in the perfect area. Very excited. We'll also be saving $200 a month which we can put towards a house downpayment/IVF.

But I'm just taking these moments in stride for now. To be honest, I stopped asking God for a pregnancy over the last few days. I know this isn't true, but my heart just feels like it's a waste of time. Actually putting that down in words makes it feel worse than it did before. I have to work on that. I hope the Lord is patient with me. Oh and I signed us up for a group counseling session at a local hospital  It's specifically for dealing with infertility. I'm hoping it'll be good for us and, who knows, maybe we'll make some friends in the process.

That's all for now. It's 7pm and DH hasn't left work yet. Crossing my finger's that he'll call me soon. Till next time.

Things I wish I could say

Stay away from Target! At least until after Easter. That's the mistake that DH and I made today. We needed a few odds and ends so we braved the stores today. It was packed with families, children, babies, pregnant ladies, you name it. They were there... Waiting.. to ruin my day.

Fortunately we got in and outta there pretty quickly. And big news for me: I bought a pregnancy test. No, no, I don't think I'm pregnant, although I suppose it is possible (currently on 7dpiui) but I want to actually check this time. Normally I'll just temp until the end of a cycle and can predict exactly when AF will show up, but this time I want to see if I'm getting "a little pregnant" and then losing it. So for real this time, I'm gonna test on 11dpiui. I'm not expecting anything miraculous, but then again, my God is the God of miracles.

Onto more hilarious things..

I have a friend person who I've fallen out with as of late. Nothing spectacularly bad happened,  but we just kind of parted ways. It was prompted by her inability to regulate what she'd say around me. More often than not I'd leave her presence feeling just a little bit awful and it was always due to my infertility and her lack of empathy. Or at least the amount of empathy that I require.

I guess I'm a little hard on my friends that way. I've learned that you can't control the outside world (see: Target) but you can control who you befriend. In the past I would have probably kept someone around who occasionally insulted me, but since the knife cuts so deep with infertility, I can't spare the extra blood. I need my heart intact. I've learned that the easiest way to do this is simply distance yourself from those who don't have your best interest in mind. Oh, they may say they do, but their actions speak a different story.

Which brings me to the funny part. She recently lost her job (okay, that's not so funny) and I found this out in an email she wrote me. To give her credit, she was reaching out but I was definitely stiff-arming her. Part of my brain wants to just make her my friend again so there'll be no conflict, but the other part knows that I'll just feel crappy again, and that's the part I listen to.

Well I never responded to this email (sorry if I didn't feel heartbroken that she lost her job.. I had just finished a second failed IUI and would take a job loss over that any day) so she eventually wrote me again asking if I had moved. I decided to be cordial and told her we were planning to move in a few weeks and asked if she had found work yet. Her response was short: No, she hadn't found work yet. I had to restrain myself from responding what I really wanted to say... Here are a few snippits that popped into my head:

"Just relax, it'll happen."

"Are you sure you're looking for jobs correctly? Maybe you're looking for the wrong position."

"Oh I understand.. My best friend's cousin's next door neighbor lost a job too. It was so sad."

"You should just intern somewhere! It's not a paying position, but at least you'll have something to do with your time!"

"Seriously?? You can have my job! I'm so busy I can hardly stand it!!"

"You just lost your job? Oh that's such a bummer. I just got hired at the best job ever!! I'm so thrilled!!"

"Maybe you were just working too hard, so they had to let you go. Ya never know.."

"I swear, when you stop looking for a job, that's when you'll find one."

"My husband has more jobs than he can handle! I swear he sleeps and he makes money!" 

"I knew a girl who took a crappy job, then whaddya know, the next month her dream job fell into her lap!"

and my personal favorite...

"That's just awful. My uncle got laid off from a job once. He never found another. Poor guy. He died alone."


I should be a career counselor.