I drank wine from the bottle last night.

I'm not proud of it, but it happened. And it wasn't as delicious as I'd hoped it be. Better luck next time, I guess.

Okay, I've been depressed. Not your typical "I had a bad day, it rained, I spilled coffee on my skirt, my dog chewed my favorite shoe" kind of depressed. No, more like, "It's noon and you actually want me to get out of bed?? What for?" Yeah, that kind.

Since getting off of Zoloft I've had a horrid time with withdrawal symptoms. Nausea, fatigue, anxiety, depression, random bouts of crying. It's been fun. It's tapered off a bit. I no longer have those crazy "brain zaps" they tell you about. I haven't felt  nauseous lately either. So that's been better.

But the depression.. Oh, the depression. I've been haunted by it. I have a little dark cloud over my head that follows me everywhere. Sometimes I forget that it's there and I can feel normal, but other times, it surrounds me.

I suppose it could have something to do with my Thyroid. I had my bloods stolen the other day and I sent the results to Reprogenesis. Apparently my TSH is super high. They want it to be around .5 to 1.5 for IVF. My TSH was 3.6. Yikes! According to the standard, anything about 2.5 is considered abnormal and potentially hypothyroid. I guess that explains why I have the stamina of an 80 year old lady.

Seriously, this is my very sad daily routine: I leave around 2:30 to go to the store. I head to Whole Foods and search for delicious things, then I drive over to Ulta and stare at the clearance aisle for about 30 minutes but buy nothing. I then head to the Christmas Tree Shop and walk around there for about 45 minutes. I buy whatever wonderfully cheap items they have there and then walk next door to Target where I proceed to purchase whatever items Christmas Tree Shop didn't have. Then I go to pick up my husband from work.

(Also, my day just sounded a lot more pathetic having written it out. Can you believe that this is what I do most days? How sad! What kind of person am I??? :( Ugh..)

As I walk out of Target to the car, I can't wait to collapse into the seat. I'm exhausted. I drive the 5 minutes to DH's workplace and wait in the parking lot to pick him up. But I don't even want to move at this point. We drive another 5 minutes home and I wish he could pick me up out of the car and walk me up the stairs to our apartment. I find my way to the couch and would love nothing more than to fall asleep and wake up 3 hours later.

This is not normal!!!! I am only 28!!!

But now I at least have an answer to why I tire so very, very easily. My TSH is out of control. Fortunately, they're sending me medication to bring it down. Apparently, a high TSH causes miscarriage. I'm glad they checked for it. Wake Forest never bothered to check. Surprise, surprise.

I hope that it'll help with my depression, or at least mask it by giving me super energy. I'll take any kind of help that I can get at this point.

Moving Along

It's been awhile, hasn't it? I've been meaning to write but couldn't quite drag myself to the keyboard. Sure, I've been on the computer, checked the stats of my blog, looked in on some other bloggers I follow, but I haven't taken the time to write down my thoughts.

Why? Well, we all know it fairly well by now: Anxiety. Infertility is riddled with it. Sometimes it's during the TWW. Sometimes it's preparing for a medicated cycle. Sometimes it's just waiting around contemplating what to do next.

I am very anxious. We're down to about two months until our first IVF cycle. Honestly, I'm scared. Scared of what might happen before the cycle... Will we make it there in time? Will I take the right amount of drugs? Will I ovulate early? Will I be sick from the medication? And then of course, what if it doesn't work? How will I handle it? I'm usually a pretty good judge of my reactions. I've known myself for a while. ;) But I honestly do not know how I will cope with a failed cycle. Sure, plenty of warriors have gone before me and completed IVF after IVF, but I don't know if I'm strong enough.

How do you know? Am I cut out for this? I mean, I guess I am cuz I've committed to it this far. We haven't sent them the check yet, but we're all in it. I won't change my mind. I want this. I want to try. I just want it to work.

So, I'm scared. I'm worried. I want to feel hopeful but it's too complicated to feel purely one emotion. I can't be *too* hopeful or *too* scared. I must manage my expectations.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been slowly coming off of Zoloft. I've been on 50 mg for almost a year now and I've forgotten why I needed it. It's been really hard. Dr. Vrana (the doctor at Reprogenesis) wants me to stop Zoloft for the cycle anyway so I figured I'd go off of it now before starting BCP and adding that to the mix. But it's been rough. I need some kind of help. I feel like I'm dangling from a cliff.

Okay, so that's my world right now. Here are the logistics:

We've changed our IVF date from October to mid September. We're planning to be there around September 18th. My coordinator at Reprogenesis told me they can modify the timing of the IVF by using birth control pills and I trust them. They've done this a few times.

We've changed apartments too and are staying in this one:   It's similar to the one in my last post, but bigger and looks more like a regular apartment, except super freakin fancy. :)  We'll be there for approximately 16 days and DH will be with me the entire time.

Originally I was gonna fly there alone and then meet up with him a week later, but I realized that this is too emotional to do alone. And I can't imagine having to give myself bum injections. Oh, and I won't have to lift a finger the whole time (which the clinic requires after ET anyway), so that's a plus. And I'm a super newb when it comes to traveling abroad, so it'll help to have someone with me the whole time in case I have a nervous breakdown in the airport.

And that's the plan. I should get my period sometime this weekend which will then be followed up by getting blood drawn for all my hormones (LH, FSH, TSH, Estradiol, and Prolactin). Never thought I'd be excited about a blood draw..

I think I'm gonna start writing more technical posts, too. I really want this blog to benefit someone who is considering doing IVF abroad. I've found a few blogs about it and it really helped to read a personal point of view. So at some point I'll write a list of all the things Reprogenesis has required me to do and questions I've asked. Just not today.

Today I needed to force myself to write. And I did. There it is.