Dobry Den!

Hi.

It's been a while. Sorry about that. The past few weeks have been crazy, but you don't want to hear about that. If you've been following my story, you know that we're in the Czech Republic.. like.. right now. And we are! It's amazing. No, it's not paradise, but it's beautiful here. The people are nice enough the the weather is great, although a tad bit chilly (tho you won't hear any complaints from me).

But onto the good stuff - we had our first ultrasound appointment on Thursday. I met Petra (one of the coordinators) and she was absolutely adorable. She was incredibly sweet and accommodating. She listened to each and every one of my concerns and answered all my questions. I didn't meet Dr. Vrana (who has been my doctor thus far) instead I met the other doctor, whose name slips my mind, and he was also very nice.

My ultrasound showed 15 follicles, which is awesome. The largest of which was 13 but mostly around 8 to 10. The doctor was pleased with my results and increased my Gonal F injections from 225 a day to 250 on Friday and 275 Saturday & Sunday. He also prescribed me Cetrotide which prevents the body from ovulating on its own.

My next appointment is tomorrow at 8:30. I'm looking forward to it. I really hope I responded well to the extra meds and my follicles will be much bigger. I'm also secretly hoping that I have even more sneaky little follicles pop up with the extra meds.  The doctor informed me that, even though I have 15 follicles, probably 10 of them will actually contain eggs, and then less than that will fertilize after the retrieval and 4 or 5 will make it to day 5.

This is just an average but pretty accurate. I'm hoping to the be exception and get more than what he assumes I will. Tomorrow he'll also let me know when my retrieval will be. He thinks it'll be on Thursday but we'll confirm this during our appointment.

I'm pretty ready to get this over with. The shots have been making my tummy so bloated. So if my pants aren't stretchy or just way too big, I'm not wearing them. But I realized yesterday that I haven't been eating much. I mean, we have to shop in foreign grocery stores so we don't have a ton of food in our apartment, but I just haven't been hungry. Being puffy really causes my stomach to think it's already full, so I keep skipping meals and not even realizing it. But today we're putting forth an effort to really eat more. I don't want my little follies to be malnourished!

And that's it for now. I've been super distracted so I haven't felt like blogging since we arrived, but I wanted to let you all know how I was doing. Our apartment is super bright and clean. I absolutely love it. The tram is right across the road so it's perfectly convenient and I LOVE public transportation so it's such a treat for me. Today we plan on doing some sight-seeing and touring the city. Altogether we've been taking it easy and really enjoying our time here. It's so nice to have my DH with me 24/7. :)

Hope you're all well! I'll check in after my next ultrasound!

So Technical - How We Chose Our Clinic

I said a little while ago that I'd start writing more technical posts about IVF and the process so far. I'm incredibly lazy so I haven't gotten around to it, but I'm biting the bullet and writing it today. Here goes..

First I'll tell you how I narrowed down our clinic of choice:

I searched through pages and pages of the Czech Mates posts on the Inspire forums. This is how I first came to hear about IVF abroad. I'd never realized that this was an option. Most of these women go to a clinic in Zlin, Czech Republic for Donor Egg IVF. This didn't apply to me, so I kept Zlin in mind but continued my search. I also noticed some women referencing Fertility Friends and their forums about IVF abroad as well. I read through all of the information I could get my hands on. On FF, I saw more women doing Own Egg IVF and starting snooping around to see which clinics they went to.

Finally, I made a spreadsheet of all potential IVF clinics in Czech. I sorted them by city, success rates, price, services provided, and anything extra that they might do. I narrowed it down to 4 clinics: Reprogenesis, Reprofit, Zlin's Center for Reproductive Medicine, and Gennett. I emailed all of them. (I actually emailed about 10 different clinics, but I'll focus on these 4).

Zlin's replies were fairly quick, but I had a difficult time communicating with coordinator. English was obviously not her first language and, as I like to ask about 1 billion questions, I thought that communication should be key. I also didn't love that Zlin was in the middle of nowhere (think rolling hillside country). If we wanted to do any day trips and get out of our hotel room, we'd have to hop on a bus, taxi, or train and drive about an hour.

Gennet's responses were good, but ended up being quite a bit more expensive than the others. See, all of the clinics asked for basic blood work - FSH, LH, Estradiol, Prolactin, TSH, and sometimes AMH. But Gennett wanted me to have an EKG done and a bunch of other blood work (in preparation for the anesthesia) that would have undoubtedly cost an arm and a leg. Plus, I didn't want to look for a doctor to do all these tests and have to explain why I needed them. Even though they were in Prague and it would've been awesome to stay in that city, it would've been too expensive, so they were out.

Reprofit responded quickly and their replies were easy to understand. I sent them my information (past blood work, IUI results, HSG tests, sperm analysis, etc) and started down the path with them. But I didn't get a warm and fuzzy feeling from their coordinator, and the doctor I was emailing kept missing several questions I would ask. So I put them on the shelf for a bit.

Then there was Reprogenesis. From the get go, they were wonderful. Every single question I asked would be answered the next morning in complete detail. I sent them my information as well and we had a Skype consultation with their doctor. He was great and we had a very good feeling about them.

We narrowed it down to Reprogenesis and Reprofit - they were identically priced with ReproG being slightly more expensive. This was because ReproG used the Embryoscope which added about $800 extra. I did some research and came to the conclusion that the Embryoscope was mainly beneficial for women who had low quality eggs (generally over 35 or DOR) and that didn't apply to me.

So having shaved off that $800 from the cost, we realized that we really preferred ReproG after all. And that's how we chose our clinic.  :)

Moving Along

It's been awhile, hasn't it? I've been meaning to write but couldn't quite drag myself to the keyboard. Sure, I've been on the computer, checked the stats of my blog, looked in on some other bloggers I follow, but I haven't taken the time to write down my thoughts.

Why? Well, we all know it fairly well by now: Anxiety. Infertility is riddled with it. Sometimes it's during the TWW. Sometimes it's preparing for a medicated cycle. Sometimes it's just waiting around contemplating what to do next.

I am very anxious. We're down to about two months until our first IVF cycle. Honestly, I'm scared. Scared of what might happen before the cycle... Will we make it there in time? Will I take the right amount of drugs? Will I ovulate early? Will I be sick from the medication? And then of course, what if it doesn't work? How will I handle it? I'm usually a pretty good judge of my reactions. I've known myself for a while. ;) But I honestly do not know how I will cope with a failed cycle. Sure, plenty of warriors have gone before me and completed IVF after IVF, but I don't know if I'm strong enough.

How do you know? Am I cut out for this? I mean, I guess I am cuz I've committed to it this far. We haven't sent them the check yet, but we're all in it. I won't change my mind. I want this. I want to try. I just want it to work.

So, I'm scared. I'm worried. I want to feel hopeful but it's too complicated to feel purely one emotion. I can't be *too* hopeful or *too* scared. I must manage my expectations.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been slowly coming off of Zoloft. I've been on 50 mg for almost a year now and I've forgotten why I needed it. It's been really hard. Dr. Vrana (the doctor at Reprogenesis) wants me to stop Zoloft for the cycle anyway so I figured I'd go off of it now before starting BCP and adding that to the mix. But it's been rough. I need some kind of help. I feel like I'm dangling from a cliff.

Okay, so that's my world right now. Here are the logistics:

We've changed our IVF date from October to mid September. We're planning to be there around September 18th. My coordinator at Reprogenesis told me they can modify the timing of the IVF by using birth control pills and I trust them. They've done this a few times.

We've changed apartments too and are staying in this one:   It's similar to the one in my last post, but bigger and looks more like a regular apartment, except super freakin fancy. :)  We'll be there for approximately 16 days and DH will be with me the entire time.

Originally I was gonna fly there alone and then meet up with him a week later, but I realized that this is too emotional to do alone. And I can't imagine having to give myself bum injections. Oh, and I won't have to lift a finger the whole time (which the clinic requires after ET anyway), so that's a plus. And I'm a super newb when it comes to traveling abroad, so it'll help to have someone with me the whole time in case I have a nervous breakdown in the airport.

And that's the plan. I should get my period sometime this weekend which will then be followed up by getting blood drawn for all my hormones (LH, FSH, TSH, Estradiol, and Prolactin). Never thought I'd be excited about a blood draw..

I think I'm gonna start writing more technical posts, too. I really want this blog to benefit someone who is considering doing IVF abroad. I've found a few blogs about it and it really helped to read a personal point of view. So at some point I'll write a list of all the things Reprogenesis has required me to do and questions I've asked. Just not today.

Today I needed to force myself to write. And I did. There it is.

Eating Our Feelings

We went to the beach. The water was freezing so there was no swimming, but Dixie was all about the water. It was adorable. The weather was actually pretty good. It did rain but it was after our beach going so we were in the hotel room anyway. It was a nice time. A pleasant distraction.

You see, this past Friday was our big appointment with the new RE. He was fantastic. He spent over an hour with us, went over every piece of information we provided him and really shot it straight. So yeah, we were pleased with him. It's just... well, the news wasn't so great.

If you've been following our story, you know we've done 3 IUIs. DH's numbers were good for one and not so fabulous for the other two. In the words of our new RE, his results were "dismal." Ouch. DH seemed unphased but that one stung. Our last doc didn't seem concerned with his numbers; in fact, they pinned the issue mostly with me. "Ovulatory dysfunction" he called it.

Well new RE disagreed. After reviewing all of my blood tests, ultrasound results and response to medications, he thinks that I'm just about perfect. Sure, my cycles could be a bit longer, but they're well within the normal range.

So that left poor DH. We had suspected that there might be a sperm issue, but no one had pinpointed it before. This time we finally got a clear answer. The new RE didn't think that it would be impossible for us to get pregnant doing another IUI, but the chances were slim. I think he said 5% to 10% at best. And putting me on injectables (which is what our next plan was going to be at Wake Forest) would be a waste of time because I'm responding well enough to Femara.

Then he took out the big guns: IVF. He didn't want to scare us or pressure us into doing something we weren't ready for, but he assured us that the sperm issues we were having would no longer be a problem with IVF.

We weren't prepared to hear that. We walked in there thinking that he'd give us a different protocol for our next IUIs or run some more blood tests for me or maybe a laparoscopy. But nope. All of that would be a waste of time...Technically we're still unexplained but most likely MFI.

So here we are. Candidates for IVF. Wow.. who'd have thought it.

We talked about IVF for a good part of our trip there and back. I wanted to know when IVF could happen and DH was just processing all this new information. I knew hearing that it could be MFI would hit him pretty hard. He's used to being the guy who can fix everything. And he does. Somehow, some way he fixes everything. But he can't fix this. We're helpless on our own and that breaks his heart, my heart. It kills me to know that he takes responsibility for us not being pregnant. I know in my heart that it's the combination of the two of us, but he doesn't buy it. But honestly, regardless of whose biological issue it is, we're not pregnant and God intended it to be this way.

So this was a heavy weekend. Coupled with that stupid greeting card holiday, it was a lot to take in. But we're starting to look at overseas IVF because IVF here at home won't be an option for years.

Where do you go from here? How do you just wake up one day and realize that your body has betrayed you and still be fine? I'm willing to do pretty much anything to start a family.

And after all that, we decided to have nachos for dinner last night. I'm pretty sure that was the first time DH has ever eaten his feelings (I'm a veteran, naturally) and he certainly deserved to. I love that man. I'm so proud to call him my husband. Proud of how hard he works on a daily basis.  Proud that he takes such good care of me, of his family. And one day I hope to make him a father because I know he'll be amazing. I want him to feel confident in everything he does, so my new mission in life is to make sure he feels 100% supported, loved, taken care of and well fed. Seriously, you can't neglect the food part.

And any extra prayers you happen to have lying around you can throw our way.

IUI #3 and the case of the evil doctor

It's 2 days past our 3rd IUI. I never enjoy these procedures  but I particularly disliked this last one. I had my least favorite doctor at the practice (there are 3) who performed my first IUI after which I bled for 3 days. The IUI itself was somewhat painful and then afterwards I had cramping for several days. She did my ultrasound once as well which was also painful. She's just bad. I'm very unhappy with her and I hate when she's (seemingly randomly) selected as my doctor.

So as I'm laying oh-so-vulnerably on the table in the waiting room, feet in stirrups and a blanket draped over my lap, I confess to this doctor that the first time she did my IUI, it was painful. I asked if she could possibly slow down this time as to not hurt me. Her reaction was less than empathetic. She told me that my cervix was the problem and that I have some type of tissue that would just be scratched no matter what. I replied that when a different doctor did my second IUI, not only did I not even feel it, there was not a drop of blood when he was done. She said that she'd done hundreds of these and that SHE wasn't the problem.

If I hadn't been in such a state as I was, I'd have kicked her in the face. Unfortunately, she was just about to do the IUI and I didn't want to make her mad in case she would hurt me more. Needless to say, it hurt this time as well, but not as bad as the time before. Her reaction was infuriating and I plan to request her taken off my case.

Now that I got that out, I feel a little better. We've decided to start possibly looking for a new RE. We've barely spoken to Dr. Y as it is and it seems like no one at this clinic is really concerned about our issues. I had initial blood work taken but beyond that, I haven't heard a peep. Finally I asked the very sweet nurse who always recognizes us when we come in, what our next step should be. I let her know that I already made an appointment with Dr. Y to discuss what we should do next and she assured me that he'd have a plan for us which would probably include injectables. But because I'm so "young" he's not in a hurry to move us along.

So what, I have to be 38 to get some attention around here?!?!  Because my FSH is only 9.8 I'm not considered an important enough case??  My DH's results have been less than stellar, but I don't see any concern. Why not?!

This is why we're looking for a new clinic. I just want to know that someone's even looking at our file. I feel like we're just put away, never to be seen again until I initiate contact. It's all so exhausting.

DH's numbers weren't awesome this time. Last IUI they were 19mil, this time 7.5mil. He was so discouraged when they told him the numbers. If I wasn't on the table at the time, I would have hugged him so hard. It just breaks my heart to think that he feels like the problem. Honestly, I believe it's the combination of us both. My less than stellar egg quality and his not-so perfect numbers.

We decided to take next cycle off if this one is not successful. I need a break from the meds and from never being able to drink coffee or wine or eat tumeric. Yes, tumeric..  lol Apparently it stimulates the uterus which is a no-no for TTC. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells during the TWW. I'm tired. I need to relax for a bit and not monitor everything I do.

So here we are. Two days past IUI. I wonder what the next two weeks shall hold..