Anniversary Blues

Today is our 2nd anniversary and I celebrate with mix emotions. I am eternally and amazingly blessed to have my husband. I waited for years to find him and some days it still doesn't feel real. He is so good to me, so kind, honest, loving and compassionate. He is the perfect husband for me and I am grateful beyond words.

However, today, as happy as I am, I am sad. Sad that we can't celebrate this anniversary with a baby. Sad that we can't celebrate with even a pregnant belly or a positive test. At the mall today I noticed every baby in sight. Since Thanksgiving and the gift of my sister-in-law, I have been doing better. I've been more positive and thankful for my life and what it is. But at times like this (on CD3) it's hard to see the silver lining.

We do have an appointment with a new RE in January, but it seems so far away. I'm sure there will be many tests and hoops to jump through before we start treatment, so I'm bracing myself for what's ahead. I want to have hope. I want to have SO much hope, but I'm being careful..  cautious. I believe this is cycle #25 and that's hard to swallow. I honestly didn't think that we'd be waiting this long. But then again, I assumed that it would be hard. I'm kind of a pessimist. I think it's a defense mechanism. If you assume the worst, you can only be pleasantly surprised when things work out. Isn't that awful?? lol

Here I am, trying to feel more positive on the 3rd biggest day of our relationship. I know I will muster up the happiness and have a good time tonight (we're going to a fancy restaurant) but in the mean time, I might be deep in thought..  Dreaming of our someday-baby and if we'll ever meet her.

So here's to the infertiles. I'll drink a few for you and hold you close to my heart tonight. This can be a long, difficult, lonely road and sometimes we all need someone to just think of us. So I will.

Almost Christmas!

So I'm writing today, a whole month later. We've made an appointment at our RE for Jan 18th and I'm very excited/relieved/nervous/happy. Apparently it's supposed to be a nationally renowned IVF clinic which is encouraging. I guess I don't feel much like talking, but I wanted to get this stuff out.

We only tried a little bit this cycle. It's CD12 and I'm pretty sure I already ovulated. WTH? I'm assuming this means that the quality of my eggs is crap. Oh and I had an appt with a new OBGYN (recommended by a friend) and it went less than stellar. Although I do have to say that it was the most thorough checkup I've ever had. I kind of got the feeling that he didn't take our infertility seriously. Because my cycles are regular, DH's SA came back normal and I had no endo symptoms, he just thinks that putting me on clomid should fix my (alleged) poor egg quality issue.

So the hubs and I chatted about it for a bit and decided that we wanted to start the RE with a clean slate and with no prior meds taken. I think that's a good idea too. Plus I know you have only a 6 month window with clomid before your body stops responding, so I'd like to at least pair it with an IUI.

Well that's that. I finished school and have a 4.0 GPA. Very impressed with myself and encouraged that I could do so well. Yes, I know it was only one class, but I proved that I could be committed to my work and not overwhelmed with being in school again.  I'm taking next semester off so that we can pursue treatments and then see what next summer holds for us.

I'd say that's it for now. DH's about to get home and we're gonna get me outta this house! :) Happy 11 days before Christmas!!