IVF, Europe, and just because.

Where to start?  I've been an absentee blogger as of recent, not for lack of events in my life, but more like a lot of distractions. We visited my husband's family for his youngest sister's high school graduation last weekend. It was wonderful to see everyone but it was an incredibly rushed trip. We pretty much drove all night Friday, saw her graduate on Saturday, and left on Sunday. Got back at 5 in the morning. Fun stuff.

And then there was a puppy picture.

I spent a majority of last week recovering from that and working on school stuff. Oh, I started a psychology course! It's awesome! I love it. I know I'm about 10 years behind everyone else who took this stuff when they were 19, but I'm at a point in my life when I can really enjoy it. I feel like if I had gone to college in my late teens, I'd have used that time to hang out with friends and be rambunctious.  So in a way, I'm blessed to have the opportunity to learn now.. when I know how valuable education is. Having worked that much harder to compete with all the college grads in my life wasn't easy. But whatever, I'm taking one class. Whoopdeedoo.

I posted my blog to pinterest for the first time the other day. I got a bunch of hits from it. I like knowing that people are reading my story. It is a little unnerving tho... Knowing that friends and strangers are peeking into the window of my life.  But I've always been somewhat of an open book. Now that infertility has all but taken over, it's even more so. I've noticed that I'm much more... vocal about things that I probably would not have been pre-IF. But that's the way life is - you grow and change. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's just because. I'm probably somewhere in the land of "just because" at the moment.

Okay onto the important stuff: IVF. Yes, we're really doing it. I had a sneaking suspicion when we started this journey that we'd end up doing IVF. I'm surprisingly at peace with it. We're looking at IVF in the Czech Republic. Now before you go, "huh??" I'll tell you that it's a completely legitimate idea. There are plenty of couples who travel overseas for fertility treatment. It's hella cheaper (think $2,500 for IVF - less meds - to $11,000 - less meds in the US) and the facilities are very modern and on the cutting edge of new technologies. I'm so excited. AND I get to go to Europe!!! Win, win for me!

Of course, DH will be coming with me.. Just, later. I'll have to be there for about 21 days for injections and monitoring and then DH will get there a week later and do his businesses. We're starting to plan for it now. I'm waiting to hear back from the clinic to start the process. We're thinking it'll probably happen sometime between October and January.. depending on when DH can get time off of work and how expensive flights are.

In the mean time, I feel normal. I'm not spending every waking moment wondering if we'll be pregnant this month. I'm at peace with the fact that there's only a 1% chance that we will. And that's fine. It's not great. It's not good. But it's fine. 

Eating Our Feelings

We went to the beach. The water was freezing so there was no swimming, but Dixie was all about the water. It was adorable. The weather was actually pretty good. It did rain but it was after our beach going so we were in the hotel room anyway. It was a nice time. A pleasant distraction.

You see, this past Friday was our big appointment with the new RE. He was fantastic. He spent over an hour with us, went over every piece of information we provided him and really shot it straight. So yeah, we were pleased with him. It's just... well, the news wasn't so great.

If you've been following our story, you know we've done 3 IUIs. DH's numbers were good for one and not so fabulous for the other two. In the words of our new RE, his results were "dismal." Ouch. DH seemed unphased but that one stung. Our last doc didn't seem concerned with his numbers; in fact, they pinned the issue mostly with me. "Ovulatory dysfunction" he called it.

Well new RE disagreed. After reviewing all of my blood tests, ultrasound results and response to medications, he thinks that I'm just about perfect. Sure, my cycles could be a bit longer, but they're well within the normal range.

So that left poor DH. We had suspected that there might be a sperm issue, but no one had pinpointed it before. This time we finally got a clear answer. The new RE didn't think that it would be impossible for us to get pregnant doing another IUI, but the chances were slim. I think he said 5% to 10% at best. And putting me on injectables (which is what our next plan was going to be at Wake Forest) would be a waste of time because I'm responding well enough to Femara.

Then he took out the big guns: IVF. He didn't want to scare us or pressure us into doing something we weren't ready for, but he assured us that the sperm issues we were having would no longer be a problem with IVF.

We weren't prepared to hear that. We walked in there thinking that he'd give us a different protocol for our next IUIs or run some more blood tests for me or maybe a laparoscopy. But nope. All of that would be a waste of time...Technically we're still unexplained but most likely MFI.

So here we are. Candidates for IVF. Wow.. who'd have thought it.

We talked about IVF for a good part of our trip there and back. I wanted to know when IVF could happen and DH was just processing all this new information. I knew hearing that it could be MFI would hit him pretty hard. He's used to being the guy who can fix everything. And he does. Somehow, some way he fixes everything. But he can't fix this. We're helpless on our own and that breaks his heart, my heart. It kills me to know that he takes responsibility for us not being pregnant. I know in my heart that it's the combination of the two of us, but he doesn't buy it. But honestly, regardless of whose biological issue it is, we're not pregnant and God intended it to be this way.

So this was a heavy weekend. Coupled with that stupid greeting card holiday, it was a lot to take in. But we're starting to look at overseas IVF because IVF here at home won't be an option for years.

Where do you go from here? How do you just wake up one day and realize that your body has betrayed you and still be fine? I'm willing to do pretty much anything to start a family.

And after all that, we decided to have nachos for dinner last night. I'm pretty sure that was the first time DH has ever eaten his feelings (I'm a veteran, naturally) and he certainly deserved to. I love that man. I'm so proud to call him my husband. Proud of how hard he works on a daily basis.  Proud that he takes such good care of me, of his family. And one day I hope to make him a father because I know he'll be amazing. I want him to feel confident in everything he does, so my new mission in life is to make sure he feels 100% supported, loved, taken care of and well fed. Seriously, you can't neglect the food part.

And any extra prayers you happen to have lying around you can throw our way.

Puppies and Pity

We're getting our puppy today!!  So to be clear, we already have one dog. She's a beautiful 3 year old lab mix named Dixie who's only 32 lbs and still looks like a puppy. Everyone's always surprised when I tell them how old she is. My husband got her when she was the littlest puppy and I met her when she was two. She's the sweetest girl, absolutely loves to snuggle and is incredibly well behaved. The only problem is her shyness around other dogs. Whenever we take her to the dog park, it takes her awhile to even let other dogs come near her. At the vet the other day, the doc told me that getting a new puppy might help bring her out of her shell. I hope that's the case.

Dixie and her weird flipped back ear lol

Our new puppy, Brighton, is a little yellow/white lab mix. He's got a tiny pink nose and green eyes. Adorbs. I already love him and we only spent two hours together. I'm supposed to pick him up today around noon, but the way my life goes, I'll believe it when I see it.

This is a common thing I've noticed...  Infertiles getting dogs in lieu of children. I'm very aware that Brighton is not a baby and I won't treat him as such, but it's the first thing in my life that I'll have from the (almost) beginning. I am so aching with love to give that I can't wait for something to shower in it. I know a puppy is not a replacement for a baby, but I've been waiting two years for a child with not even a glimmer of hope. A puppy, we can buy. Or in this case, rescue.

I feel that the hole in my heart for my unborn baby is a deep, dark cavern, filled with cracks and chilling water. It's been shaken so many times that it becomes deeper and deeper through each heartbreak. This puppy will fill the tiniest fraction of the cavern. Maybe it will become a guard rail at the opening to caution any viewers that might fall into the endless abyss. All I know is that I'll have something to hold. Something that I can call mine.

When we went looking for puppy stuff the other day, I felt an excitement that I had long since buried. Tiny accessories for a tiny body. Sure, it was leashes and collars and dog bowls, but it was new and little and I could buy them without the objects mocking me with their uselessness in my life right now.

See I don't ever go into the baby section of stores. I try to avoid them like the plague. Anything with a tiny child's face on it is like kryptonite to me. They have no use in my life at the moment and sometimes I feel like they won't ever will. So I stay away, far, far away. Because far away is the safest place for me. If I don't see that babies and families and pregnant women exist, I can forget, for a time, that they do.

And that is what's been on my mind as of late. I'm sure those who know our situation might think to themselves, "Good for them, at least they'll have a puppy." I know it's true. Sometimes I can sense their pity. They can't relate to the pain and for most, empathy is difficult and out of reach, so they pity me and my sad state. It's fine. I don't need it, but it's better than apathy. But that's a whole other post. ;)

So, yeah. Puppy. Today. Pictures to come.

Bitter Betty's on Board. Look out.

I think I'm gonna buy myself some flowers from 1-800-flowers so I can stop getting these annoying m-day reminders. I'll label it "From: My Unborn Children - Sorry we're taking so long to get to you, we're really lazy."

Well, kids, it's not polite to make people wait so long.

And you know what else bugs me? When pregnant people who didn't do anything except try the natural way, has someone tell them "Congratulations!" Oh yeah.. you worked SO hard. Way to have sex with your wife!

Why doesn't anyone congratulate me??? "Good job trying 39 times (yep, I counted today, we've tried for 39 cycles) to get pregnant! You're a real trooper!" Who tries 39 times to do anything???  If I had to try 39 times to succeed at anything else, I would've stopped like 30 times ago. This is ridiculous.

I want a freakin m-day card that tells me how sorry the universe is for making me put up with all this happy mother's day crap.

So "FURIOUS!!" Aaaarrrggghhh!!!

Yup. That's really how I feel. Sorry if I just blew up your house with my angry tornado rant.

The Confidence of Stupidity

Just in case I wasn't sure about switching fertility clinics before... This is the conversation that took place today between me and the receptionist at our old clinic:

"Hi, I'm here to sign a release for all of my medical records."

"Sure. Oh, are you pregnant??"

" .....no."

"Okay then."

Thank you for making me answer that question, worst receptionist lady of all time. Just your friendly neighborhood reminder that I'm still not pregnant.