Anniversary Blues

Today is our 2nd anniversary and I celebrate with mix emotions. I am eternally and amazingly blessed to have my husband. I waited for years to find him and some days it still doesn't feel real. He is so good to me, so kind, honest, loving and compassionate. He is the perfect husband for me and I am grateful beyond words.

However, today, as happy as I am, I am sad. Sad that we can't celebrate this anniversary with a baby. Sad that we can't celebrate with even a pregnant belly or a positive test. At the mall today I noticed every baby in sight. Since Thanksgiving and the gift of my sister-in-law, I have been doing better. I've been more positive and thankful for my life and what it is. But at times like this (on CD3) it's hard to see the silver lining.

We do have an appointment with a new RE in January, but it seems so far away. I'm sure there will be many tests and hoops to jump through before we start treatment, so I'm bracing myself for what's ahead. I want to have hope. I want to have SO much hope, but I'm being careful..  cautious. I believe this is cycle #25 and that's hard to swallow. I honestly didn't think that we'd be waiting this long. But then again, I assumed that it would be hard. I'm kind of a pessimist. I think it's a defense mechanism. If you assume the worst, you can only be pleasantly surprised when things work out. Isn't that awful?? lol

Here I am, trying to feel more positive on the 3rd biggest day of our relationship. I know I will muster up the happiness and have a good time tonight (we're going to a fancy restaurant) but in the mean time, I might be deep in thought..  Dreaming of our someday-baby and if we'll ever meet her.

So here's to the infertiles. I'll drink a few for you and hold you close to my heart tonight. This can be a long, difficult, lonely road and sometimes we all need someone to just think of us. So I will.

Almost Christmas!

So I'm writing today, a whole month later. We've made an appointment at our RE for Jan 18th and I'm very excited/relieved/nervous/happy. Apparently it's supposed to be a nationally renowned IVF clinic which is encouraging. I guess I don't feel much like talking, but I wanted to get this stuff out.

We only tried a little bit this cycle. It's CD12 and I'm pretty sure I already ovulated. WTH? I'm assuming this means that the quality of my eggs is crap. Oh and I had an appt with a new OBGYN (recommended by a friend) and it went less than stellar. Although I do have to say that it was the most thorough checkup I've ever had. I kind of got the feeling that he didn't take our infertility seriously. Because my cycles are regular, DH's SA came back normal and I had no endo symptoms, he just thinks that putting me on clomid should fix my (alleged) poor egg quality issue.

So the hubs and I chatted about it for a bit and decided that we wanted to start the RE with a clean slate and with no prior meds taken. I think that's a good idea too. Plus I know you have only a 6 month window with clomid before your body stops responding, so I'd like to at least pair it with an IUI.

Well that's that. I finished school and have a 4.0 GPA. Very impressed with myself and encouraged that I could do so well. Yes, I know it was only one class, but I proved that I could be committed to my work and not overwhelmed with being in school again.  I'm taking next semester off so that we can pursue treatments and then see what next summer holds for us.

I'd say that's it for now. DH's about to get home and we're gonna get me outta this house! :) Happy 11 days before Christmas!!

Candles and sweatpants

So last night we had a quiet evening. You see, I got my period yesterday and I was just feeling..  sad. Then DH overheard a woman at work announcing to everyone who'll listen that she's pregnant. For the first time, I really understood how he's taking this. It affected him much more than I would have thought something like that would. I was so proud of him for telling me about it.

I haven't cried this cycle because we've started talking about doing treatments in the new year and we're actually serious about it this time. I'm mostly looking forward to the diagnosing part. I feel like I might have endo but there's no way to know that for sure. This cycle was only 25 days. My last cycle was 24. This is a new development for me. Usually my cycles are around 27 days. Not sure what this means but it makes me nervous. I have been drinking soy milk daily, but from the research I've found, it should make my cycle longer not shorter.  Anyway, that's what's been weighing on me lately.

We've narrowed the search down to two different fertility clinics. One's Premier Fertility Clinic in High Point and the other one is the Wake Forest Baptist whatever place.

Moving to the front of the line

Today is my first day of blogging post marriage. I've had a blog before but mostly about nonsensical things and random thoughts. This blog will be mostly about my struggle with infertility.

But now I'll get right into it. For the last few months I've been in school. It was my first officially official semester as a student. I was only part time, but it was (is) great. I'm really enjoying my ASL I class and being a student in general, as it's a glorious distraction from what our life has been for the last year and a half. "And how's that been?" you may ask? Well, I'll let you in on a little secret: we want a baby.

Although I've never been one of those girls to go all gooey over a tiny infant being stroller-ed down the street, I have imagined myself being a mother.. someday.. distantly. Then, out of the blue, I met my husband-to-be, we dated for a (very) few months and *bam* we were married.

We started TTC about 3 months after we signed the marriage certificate. I remember the first month being... startling.. DH was a little hesitant about getting pregnant so soon (he was only 24 at the time, but I was a ripe old age of 26 and getting older by the second) but we talked it over and decided to give it a go. When that first month turned out to be a negative, I was stunned. For a long time after that, I beat myself up over my initial naivety  but since learned to be kinder to my younger less-informed self.

Fast forward to November 2012 and 25 cycles later. I don't think I could have imagined that I'd have a hard time getting pregnant, but I guess if you had asked me at 24 if I'd ever be married, I wouldn't have dreamed  that I'd find my husband at 25. But here we are.

I'm hoping to write in this blog on a pretty regular basis. Just using this to spew out my thoughts and frustrations (oh and happy things too, naturally) and to document this journey. There's more to say about future plans but I'll leave that for another day and at a time when I'm less distracted (we just put on the first episode of the original Enterprise and I've never seen it lol Oh the exciting life we live). Till next time!