"Please, God, not today.."

We visited a new church today. It was ginormous. So big that they needed multiple signs to tell you how to get to where you wanted to go. And I think they had about 80 bathrooms. But we've been searching for a new church for months and we felt pretty confident about this one. I particularly felt good about it.

You see, I was actually feeling good when I woke up today. With the impending d-day (I refuse to use the "m" word anymore), I felt relatively calm and level-headed. We'd been having a great weekend and enjoyed doing regular couple things and especially enjoyed not having to move anything. That was the big plus. We just relaxed.  Oh and we also chose a puppy who will be coming home next week! But I'll talk more about that in another post..

So considering my frame of mind this morning, I thought for sure that this service would be easy to sit through, enjoyable and maybe we'd even chat with some patrons afterwards.

But all that changed the minute we sat down.

Being in the upper balcony, we squinted to see several people congregating at the front of the stage. "Oh no," we said, glancing at one another. "Please, God, not today. I'm really trying..." I thought. But to my dismay, those two dreadful words flashed up on the screens:

Baby Dedication Day

Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!  WHY?!?!?  Why today of all days?!  Why can't we just catch a break already?! Why does this misery follow us around like a plague?!?

I wanted to leave. At that moment, I wanted to get up and run to the nearest exit. But we stayed. Shrunken in our seats, we agonized through all 20 minutes (no kidding) of this painful morning. I cringed at every baby's face that was plastered on the screen and even more so when the congregation "ooo" and "ahh-ed" at each one. And it was like a knife in my heart when the pastor would talk only to the parents and grandparents and leave out the bleeding hearts who so desperately wanted to join their elusive club.

Needless to say, it crushed my peaceful state of mind. I was officially in a funk. I couldn't even tell you what the rest of the sermon was about. With all the people scattered around us, I didn't feel the need to censor my eye-rolling. It probably wasn't the most Christianly thing to do, but I was worn down. Tired of going from church to church and feeling the same way. Tired of putting on a brave face when inside I was crumbling. It was just too much. Too hard.

After the sermon was over, we bolted out the door and decided to do something we never do. Go out to lunch! Yes, I know that might seem silly to you, but we're very frugal people. Going out to eat is not a normal option for us, but I had a bucket full of feelings that needed to be eaten, and that could only be done with a big delicious sandwich. So eat them I did.

And that was my morning.

Caution: Sadness Crossing

Boston. How I miss you. I only lived outside the city (Allston then Brighton) for a short time, but my heart has always been there. If it hadn't been for meeting my amazing husband and moving to NC, I'm sure I'd still be there today... 10 minutes away from the bombing site and among the chaos that is this crazy manhunt. It's hard to concentrate on anything else except the heartache and suspense of finding the terrorists who have hurt so many people. Yet I find myself reflecting on so much sadness today.

I've tried to put TTC out of my mind for this month. I've tried to focus on moving and organizing and buying new things for our apartment, but it's hard. Hard to know that today could have been our 4th IUI. Next month marks another mother's day that I can't celebrate.

In a few weeks is my niece's 1st birthday. How I adore that little girl, yet her big day brings back such painful memories for me. I wish I could've been at her birth and held my sister(inlaw)'s hand. I wish that seeing that baby girl for the first time would have only brought me overwhelming joy. But it's with mixed emotions that I face the next few weeks.  I would love nothing more than to share in what seems like the rest of the world's happy time. A (seemingly) whole month devoted to celebrating mothers. A title that I long to have. An identity that continues to elude me. But how I chase it. Every moment of every day I'm reminded of what I am not. At the store, on tv, outside my home and at church. Everywhere there are pictures of the happy family that I don't have.

I don't mean to be morose  I've been trying to keep busy with various life things but it's the quiet times that I remember the hole in my heart. Its gentle aching as I snuggle my puppy. Especially the times that I pick her up and hold her on my lap. What I wouldn't give to be holding my child..

*sigh*

....Speaking of puppies, and a change of subject before we all drown ourselves in my depression, we're trying to adopt one! A puppy that is. I found myself at the Guilford County Animal Shelter a few days ago, playing with the most adorable 7 week old puppy. Black and white and cute all over. (sorry the quality's not so great - she wouldn't sit still for her photo-op)

Oh it is so happening. I will adopt a puppy if it's the last thing I do. Or at least the first thing I accomplish this summer.

And with that note, I'm gonna go buy myself something pretty. Specifically makeup, groceries and possibly some dry shampoo. Oh, the exciting life I live.

And the journey continues..

I have to say, this has been a difficult week. Found out (not surprisingly) on Sunday morning that the IUI didn't work. Still went to church tho, so I get 5 points. I've been in a daze ever since. I don't know if I thought this one would work, but it feels different this time. I think it's because we're taking a break from treatments for a while. The last few times the IUI's failed, AF meant, not just that it didn't work, but that we could start over again. This time it means that it's over.. for the time being.

The other night we were sitting on the porch drinking beers (hallelujah) and it dawned on me... We've been trying for more than 2 years and over 30 cycles, yet I have never once seen two pink lines. Not even a little bit. Nothing.

See I decided to test this last time because I theorized that maybe I was getting pregnant but losing it soon after. Of course my theory was mistaken, but it meant that I bought a pregnancy test for the first time in a year. I stopped buying them because they were a waste of money and I could tell by my temperature if AF was coming or not.

I guess that's why this time is harder for me. I realized that this means I won't be a mother for stupid mother's day.. again. And that just breaks my heart a little more every time I think about it. The silver lining is the trip that we'll be taking to the beach. We went last year as well after I explained to DH that I couldn't stand the idea of attending church for "that day."  This year is no different. Another year past and still no baby. No pregnancy.

I'm sure I'll feel a little better as time goes on. I did start drinking regular coffee again and drinking beer. I stopped all of that for the last 3ish months and it's been freeing to be normal again.

I am looking forward to a few things: we're moving next Monday to Greensboro. We live outside the city limits at the moment and this move will put us in the perfect area. Very excited. We'll also be saving $200 a month which we can put towards a house downpayment/IVF.

But I'm just taking these moments in stride for now. To be honest, I stopped asking God for a pregnancy over the last few days. I know this isn't true, but my heart just feels like it's a waste of time. Actually putting that down in words makes it feel worse than it did before. I have to work on that. I hope the Lord is patient with me. Oh and I signed us up for a group counseling session at a local hospital  It's specifically for dealing with infertility. I'm hoping it'll be good for us and, who knows, maybe we'll make some friends in the process.

That's all for now. It's 7pm and DH hasn't left work yet. Crossing my finger's that he'll call me soon. Till next time.