I've tried to put TTC out of my mind for this month. I've tried to focus on moving and organizing and buying new things for our apartment, but it's hard. Hard to know that today could have been our 4th IUI. Next month marks another mother's day that I can't celebrate.
In a few weeks is my niece's 1st birthday. How I adore that little girl, yet her big day brings back such painful memories for me. I wish I could've been at her birth and held my sister(inlaw)'s hand. I wish that seeing that baby girl for the first time would have only brought me overwhelming joy. But it's with mixed emotions that I face the next few weeks. I would love nothing more than to share in what seems like the rest of the world's happy time. A (seemingly) whole month devoted to celebrating mothers. A title that I long to have. An identity that continues to elude me. But how I chase it. Every moment of every day I'm reminded of what I am not. At the store, on tv, outside my home and at church. Everywhere there are pictures of the happy family that I don't have.
I don't mean to be morose I've been trying to keep busy with various life things but it's the quiet times that I remember the hole in my heart. Its gentle aching as I snuggle my puppy. Especially the times that I pick her up and hold her on my lap. What I wouldn't give to be holding my child..
*sigh*
....Speaking of puppies, and a change of subject before we all drown ourselves in my depression, we're trying to adopt one! A puppy that is. I found myself at the Guilford County Animal Shelter a few days ago, playing with the most adorable 7 week old puppy. Black and white and cute all over. (sorry the quality's not so great - she wouldn't sit still for her photo-op)
Oh it is so happening. I will adopt a puppy if it's the last thing I do. Or at least the first thing I accomplish this summer.
And with that note, I'm gonna go buy myself something pretty. Specifically makeup, groceries and possibly some dry shampoo. Oh, the exciting life I live.
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