Let the fun begin.

We had our consultation today with Reprogenesis in Brno, Czech Republic. It was awesome. They called us over Skype and we voice chatted while parked in front of the nearest AT&T store. We have HORRIBLE cell reception and internet at our apartment, so calling from home was not an option. Fortunately, the AT&T store didn't open till 10 and we had our call at 8 so we camped out there for an hour.

The doctor was really helpful and his English was very good. He answered all of my questions and went through the IVF process in detail. Needless to say, I'm excited. I wish it was October already. And the obsessive organizer in me wants to start taking birth control pills next month so I can know exactly when we'll have to be there.

Part of the process leading up to IVF is being on birth control pills which is done to regulate your cycle. Plus, I think it makes your ovaries "quiet" so that when they inject you with crazy hormones your ovaries will be like, "holy crap, I wanna make 1 million eggs!!!"  Or at least, that's my interpretation of it.

The doc recommended that we do PICSI to give the sperms a little extra *oomph* which will only improve our chances. Clearly these aren't real medical terms, but I'll spare you the gory details. We're planning to do the embryoscope too which will increase our chances an additional 5 - 10% (from a 50% chance of success), and in the world of infertility, that's a lot! Right now we have about 1 - 2% chance to conceive on our own, so I feel pretty good about these odds. The clinic has a success rate of 60% for women up to 40 doing IVF with their own eggs (as opposed to donor eggs). They don't break it down for women under 35, which I think if they did that it'd be an even better percentage. Your chances to conceive start to steadily decline after 35.

So it's been a good day. It's gonna be hard to not have any structure over the next few months. I finished up school yesterday and got a big ol' A. I'm kind of a rockstar at takin' 1 class at a time. Don't be jelly.  ;)

I guess that's it for now. I'm not feeling particularly sassy or funny, so this is more of a general update. Oh and here's a picture of the apartment that I booked (tentative dates, of course) while I'll be staying in Brno. Super cute, right??


It's a 5 minute ride to the clinic and in the middle of everything. There's a grocery store right down the street so I can stock up and eat real food while I'm there. There's a kitchenette and a burner too. Below is the view and the tiny terrace. Yes, I will be drinking coffee out there in the morning. So. Excited.

Control and my lack thereof

Ever feel that you have absolutely no control? Spend two plus years in the trenches of infertility and you will be well acquainted with that feeling. So this is my attempt at control - I'm researching the crap out of IVF in the Czech Republic.

It's intense. At the moment, we're trying to choose a clinic. I have found myself being excited and set on one place, only to stumble upon another website with amazing statistics and great accommodation. Then I realize they're too expensive and go back to the drawing board. It's a merry-go-round. A foreign, confusing, time sucking merry-go-round.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I'm oozing with anticipation of the possibility of pregnancy by the end of the year. After all, I kind of gave up on that idea a while ago. Sure, it could happen. It's possible. It's also possible that a record producer could hear me singing along to some tunes in my car with the windows down and offer me a record deal on the spot.

Okay, maybe that last part's not so possible..

But this is more than a dream. It's really, truly, honestly possible now. I've seen our chances. I've read all the scientific research I could get my hands on. I've seen the glowing patient reviews. That could be me. I want to be that kind of statistic. The kind that gives other people hope. I don't wanna be 1 in 7 anymore. That sucks. It's depressing. And more importantly, it sucks. I said that twice but it was worth repeating.

So that's been my life lately. When I'm not doing studious school-type things, I'm googling hotels in Prague, scouring countless infertility message boards, and counting every penny we can put towards treatment.

I haven't even thought about how painful IVF can be. I can't think about that. It's going to happen.. The pain, that is. So many shots. Some in the tummy, some in the leg, some in the bum.

They're all gonna hurt. But that's par for the course.  I've heard that some people get pregnant by just having sex and that it's fun??? Clearly someone's spreading lies because it's impossible to get pregnant without at least 2 shots, a handful of pills, and a room full of doctors. Right? Or at least that's what I've been told.

I just want it to be October already. I want to have chosen the clinic, talked to the doctors, and ordered the medication. I want to have the plane tickets in hand and my luggage packed. But I guess I'll wait. What's a few months now, anyway? 

In the mean time, I get to have control over my spreadsheet. You know the one - it's full of clinic names, dates, prices, numbers, websites, etc. I'm gonna take it everywhere with me and when I start to feel like I can't control anything, I'll look at my spreadsheet and all will be right with the world.

That's weird, right? I'm weird.

Weeded Out.

So I've been learning about natural selection lately. And in learning more about this subject, an idea keeps nagging at my brain: In the animal world, we would be the ones weeded out. Nature is sending us a message that our genes are not fit to be passed on. But despite this message, and nature's plan to encourage a stronger, healthier human race, it occurs to me that we don't necessarily fall into this category.

Why? Because we are not godless. Animals, while I believe they are soulless, are a part of nature. They are products of their environment and live and die as such. We are more than that. I can't help but think of Sarah and Abraham. At the age she conceived Isaac was nothing short of miraculous. But, according to nature, and if we followed its code, Abraham would have left Sarah and found another mate to pass along his genes. But God had other plans for that couple.

Just as He has other plans for us.

For a while here, I've been lost. I've wandered a bit. My prayer life hasn't been what it should be and I've known it. After the last failed fertility treatment, my heart closed itself off a bit. I know it was wrong. For the most part, I've been receptive to His teaching throughout this journey, but I retreated. I'm back now. I'm done wallowing. Even if every fiber of my being tells me that I am entitled to wallow, I know that God can relieve me of my heartache, that I don't need to drown myself in its shallow waters to feel that I'm grieving.

I looked back today on how many times I've asked God to give me joy and peace and hope, and how many moments I must have taken for granted that the sting of infertility didn't pierce my heart as deeply as it could have. How often he shielded me from pain that would've easily overtaken me, ruined my day, steered me into a dark place.  How often he gave me a smile, a lightness in my heart that didn't come from the sunshine over my head, but the joy in which He bathed my heart. How many times have I taken for granted the kindness and love in my husband's eyes as he held me in his arms and thanked God for his wife. How many moments in our short marriage He has given us grace and wisdom to speak with gentleness to each other when our words could have so easily damaged our fragile hearts.

So today, I am thankful. And humbled. Once again, God has shown me grace that I could never deserve. Grace that should have been taken away time after time.

What a magnificent God He is.

And my song shall ever be:
Oh, how marvelous!
Oh, how wonderful!
Is my Savior's love for me!