Control and my lack thereof

Ever feel that you have absolutely no control? Spend two plus years in the trenches of infertility and you will be well acquainted with that feeling. So this is my attempt at control - I'm researching the crap out of IVF in the Czech Republic.

It's intense. At the moment, we're trying to choose a clinic. I have found myself being excited and set on one place, only to stumble upon another website with amazing statistics and great accommodation. Then I realize they're too expensive and go back to the drawing board. It's a merry-go-round. A foreign, confusing, time sucking merry-go-round.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I'm oozing with anticipation of the possibility of pregnancy by the end of the year. After all, I kind of gave up on that idea a while ago. Sure, it could happen. It's possible. It's also possible that a record producer could hear me singing along to some tunes in my car with the windows down and offer me a record deal on the spot.

Okay, maybe that last part's not so possible..

But this is more than a dream. It's really, truly, honestly possible now. I've seen our chances. I've read all the scientific research I could get my hands on. I've seen the glowing patient reviews. That could be me. I want to be that kind of statistic. The kind that gives other people hope. I don't wanna be 1 in 7 anymore. That sucks. It's depressing. And more importantly, it sucks. I said that twice but it was worth repeating.

So that's been my life lately. When I'm not doing studious school-type things, I'm googling hotels in Prague, scouring countless infertility message boards, and counting every penny we can put towards treatment.

I haven't even thought about how painful IVF can be. I can't think about that. It's going to happen.. The pain, that is. So many shots. Some in the tummy, some in the leg, some in the bum.

They're all gonna hurt. But that's par for the course.  I've heard that some people get pregnant by just having sex and that it's fun??? Clearly someone's spreading lies because it's impossible to get pregnant without at least 2 shots, a handful of pills, and a room full of doctors. Right? Or at least that's what I've been told.

I just want it to be October already. I want to have chosen the clinic, talked to the doctors, and ordered the medication. I want to have the plane tickets in hand and my luggage packed. But I guess I'll wait. What's a few months now, anyway? 

In the mean time, I get to have control over my spreadsheet. You know the one - it's full of clinic names, dates, prices, numbers, websites, etc. I'm gonna take it everywhere with me and when I start to feel like I can't control anything, I'll look at my spreadsheet and all will be right with the world.

That's weird, right? I'm weird.