Things I wish I could say

Stay away from Target! At least until after Easter. That's the mistake that DH and I made today. We needed a few odds and ends so we braved the stores today. It was packed with families, children, babies, pregnant ladies, you name it. They were there... Waiting.. to ruin my day.

Fortunately we got in and outta there pretty quickly. And big news for me: I bought a pregnancy test. No, no, I don't think I'm pregnant, although I suppose it is possible (currently on 7dpiui) but I want to actually check this time. Normally I'll just temp until the end of a cycle and can predict exactly when AF will show up, but this time I want to see if I'm getting "a little pregnant" and then losing it. So for real this time, I'm gonna test on 11dpiui. I'm not expecting anything miraculous, but then again, my God is the God of miracles.

Onto more hilarious things..

I have a friend person who I've fallen out with as of late. Nothing spectacularly bad happened,  but we just kind of parted ways. It was prompted by her inability to regulate what she'd say around me. More often than not I'd leave her presence feeling just a little bit awful and it was always due to my infertility and her lack of empathy. Or at least the amount of empathy that I require.

I guess I'm a little hard on my friends that way. I've learned that you can't control the outside world (see: Target) but you can control who you befriend. In the past I would have probably kept someone around who occasionally insulted me, but since the knife cuts so deep with infertility, I can't spare the extra blood. I need my heart intact. I've learned that the easiest way to do this is simply distance yourself from those who don't have your best interest in mind. Oh, they may say they do, but their actions speak a different story.

Which brings me to the funny part. She recently lost her job (okay, that's not so funny) and I found this out in an email she wrote me. To give her credit, she was reaching out but I was definitely stiff-arming her. Part of my brain wants to just make her my friend again so there'll be no conflict, but the other part knows that I'll just feel crappy again, and that's the part I listen to.

Well I never responded to this email (sorry if I didn't feel heartbroken that she lost her job.. I had just finished a second failed IUI and would take a job loss over that any day) so she eventually wrote me again asking if I had moved. I decided to be cordial and told her we were planning to move in a few weeks and asked if she had found work yet. Her response was short: No, she hadn't found work yet. I had to restrain myself from responding what I really wanted to say... Here are a few snippits that popped into my head:

"Just relax, it'll happen."

"Are you sure you're looking for jobs correctly? Maybe you're looking for the wrong position."

"Oh I understand.. My best friend's cousin's next door neighbor lost a job too. It was so sad."

"You should just intern somewhere! It's not a paying position, but at least you'll have something to do with your time!"

"Seriously?? You can have my job! I'm so busy I can hardly stand it!!"

"You just lost your job? Oh that's such a bummer. I just got hired at the best job ever!! I'm so thrilled!!"

"Maybe you were just working too hard, so they had to let you go. Ya never know.."

"I swear, when you stop looking for a job, that's when you'll find one."

"My husband has more jobs than he can handle! I swear he sleeps and he makes money!" 

"I knew a girl who took a crappy job, then whaddya know, the next month her dream job fell into her lap!"

and my personal favorite...

"That's just awful. My uncle got laid off from a job once. He never found another. Poor guy. He died alone."


I should be a career counselor.

Sunday's Dilemma

Okay, I'll admit it. I am totally dreading going to church this Sunday. It's Easter and we all know what that means... Children everywhere. In their tiny suits and dresses and parents fawning all over their cuteness.

I realize that I am completely missing the point of Easter Sunday and the miraculousness that occurred 2,000 years ago, but it's hard to focus on Christ's triumphant return when all you see around you are children's candy, Easter baskets, and how to make your kid look as adorable as possible.

So I'll be praying. A lot. I would love nothing more than to focus on Jesus' resurrection. I pray that He will be with me on Sunday when I dodge the little tykes dressed in their finest. I pray that He will return my wandering thoughts to His purpose for this day. Because I really don't want to think about other people's kids. I just want to think about Him and how He can work in my life. And I hope he does. He deserves my every ounce of attention, especially on this day.

IUI #3 and the case of the evil doctor

It's 2 days past our 3rd IUI. I never enjoy these procedures  but I particularly disliked this last one. I had my least favorite doctor at the practice (there are 3) who performed my first IUI after which I bled for 3 days. The IUI itself was somewhat painful and then afterwards I had cramping for several days. She did my ultrasound once as well which was also painful. She's just bad. I'm very unhappy with her and I hate when she's (seemingly randomly) selected as my doctor.

So as I'm laying oh-so-vulnerably on the table in the waiting room, feet in stirrups and a blanket draped over my lap, I confess to this doctor that the first time she did my IUI, it was painful. I asked if she could possibly slow down this time as to not hurt me. Her reaction was less than empathetic. She told me that my cervix was the problem and that I have some type of tissue that would just be scratched no matter what. I replied that when a different doctor did my second IUI, not only did I not even feel it, there was not a drop of blood when he was done. She said that she'd done hundreds of these and that SHE wasn't the problem.

If I hadn't been in such a state as I was, I'd have kicked her in the face. Unfortunately, she was just about to do the IUI and I didn't want to make her mad in case she would hurt me more. Needless to say, it hurt this time as well, but not as bad as the time before. Her reaction was infuriating and I plan to request her taken off my case.

Now that I got that out, I feel a little better. We've decided to start possibly looking for a new RE. We've barely spoken to Dr. Y as it is and it seems like no one at this clinic is really concerned about our issues. I had initial blood work taken but beyond that, I haven't heard a peep. Finally I asked the very sweet nurse who always recognizes us when we come in, what our next step should be. I let her know that I already made an appointment with Dr. Y to discuss what we should do next and she assured me that he'd have a plan for us which would probably include injectables. But because I'm so "young" he's not in a hurry to move us along.

So what, I have to be 38 to get some attention around here?!?!  Because my FSH is only 9.8 I'm not considered an important enough case??  My DH's results have been less than stellar, but I don't see any concern. Why not?!

This is why we're looking for a new clinic. I just want to know that someone's even looking at our file. I feel like we're just put away, never to be seen again until I initiate contact. It's all so exhausting.

DH's numbers weren't awesome this time. Last IUI they were 19mil, this time 7.5mil. He was so discouraged when they told him the numbers. If I wasn't on the table at the time, I would have hugged him so hard. It just breaks my heart to think that he feels like the problem. Honestly, I believe it's the combination of us both. My less than stellar egg quality and his not-so perfect numbers.

We decided to take next cycle off if this one is not successful. I need a break from the meds and from never being able to drink coffee or wine or eat tumeric. Yes, tumeric..  lol Apparently it stimulates the uterus which is a no-no for TTC. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells during the TWW. I'm tired. I need to relax for a bit and not monitor everything I do.

So here we are. Two days past IUI. I wonder what the next two weeks shall hold..

Sarah's Laughter

I'm not sure if you've heard of this wonderful ministry, but it's called "Sarah's Laughter" and you can subscribe to their daily newsletters. It's Christian support through infertility and it has brought me out of some very dark times. You can find the website here: http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/ 

Today, I needed to be reminded that I'm being watched. No, not in a creepy peeping neighbor kind of way, but in a 'is my testimony for Christ what it should be' kind of way. I'm not gonna lie.. I have been the worst friend these past few months. We made a little group of friends at a church a year ago and I have done my best to distance myself from them. The reasons are complicated, but I have blamed infertility on much of it. I feel guilty about it all the time, but I can't bring myself to reach out to them or anyone. That's partially why I started this blog.

Infertility is so isolating and the heartbreak devastates so much of your life that I gave myself the go-ahead to become a recluse. I certainly wasn't trying to, but it happened. And when I have bad days and want to scowl at every mother with a baby that I see, sometimes I let myself do that too. Now I'm sure if those women were to spend a moment in my head and feel how my heart was breaking, they'd cut me some slack, but they don't know what I'm going through. And the more that I allow myself to let those feelings fester, the easier it is to become bitter. I don't want to be bitter. I pray daily for joy. I pray for joy just as much as I do for a child. Some days I need it more than others.

Today is one of those days. We had another failed IUI. Another failed IUI. Blech. I hate saying that. I guess we're starting a 3rd IUI. I received my meds today...  I'm not wholeheartedly in this cycle tho. I miss coffee and wine and feeling normal. If these cycles do anything to me, it takes away my feeling or normalcy. I feel like a lab rat and I'm living a live of restriction. I can't stand that.. And then when the cycle fails, I inevitably think "what did I do wrong? should I have eaten different things? should I not drink tea either? did I cause myself to miscarry early?"

I talked to my husband about these very things last night. He assured me that there's nothing I could have done differently and then he actually thanked me for putting myself through all the things I have. That was lovely to hear. :) I have an incredible husband. If I have anything to be thankful for through this trial, it's that infertility has brought us so close together. I can't quite put into words how grateful I am, but I'm astounded every day at how much we love each other. When other marriages are struggling under the heavy weight of infertility, ours has only been strengthened. 

Which  brings me back to my being watched. I have read many women's stories of their difficult journey and how torn apart their marriages were after enduring years of infertility. And all I can think when I see that is "if they only knew my Saviour, if they only knew what peace He could give them. If they only knew that they could ask Him for joy and He would give it to them." Then I'm reminded that I should always be a light in the darkness of this heartache. That no matter how hurt I'm feeling, God will never leave me and He has promised to give me strength. For this, I am the most grateful. Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Thank you, Lord, for this promise. 

Thursday, thursday, thursday..

Oh what a week..  This has been a really difficult week for me. I'm in the 2WW after our second IUI (9dpiui). DH has been working at the factory in Greensboro which means he has our one vehicle and I am stuck at home. This means I have plenty of hours to obsess and google and wonder whether or not this cycle will be a positive one. My gut feeling is that it won't be. I have already started researching IVF clinics.

I have found several clinics in the area and even some that are doing clinical trials. One offers $3000 off the full price of IVF which is pretty good.  I don't know why I'm already thinking about IVF.. From what we've discussed, we'll try as many IUI's as the doctor will let us. DH's sperm count was great last time and I respond well enough to a low dosage of femara. We should be able to do several IUI's before moving on.  I just don't know how to deal with this anymore

At least last year I had my school to distract me. Now it's March and I'm finding myself just twiddling my thumbs, waiting to find out what's going to happen. I started planning our vow renewal to take place later this year, but since we started fertility treatments, it's been the last thing on my mind. I just want to be a mother so badly. I've been picturing myself being pregnant for the first time in a long time. It doesn't seem so far fetched anymore.

Well I've been praying and sleeping and trying to be healthy. I think I will try acupuncture next cycle along with another IUI. I hope this will be our last treatment, but I'm realistic. Just trying to get through this week..