Sarah's Laughter

I'm not sure if you've heard of this wonderful ministry, but it's called "Sarah's Laughter" and you can subscribe to their daily newsletters. It's Christian support through infertility and it has brought me out of some very dark times. You can find the website here: http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/ 

Today, I needed to be reminded that I'm being watched. No, not in a creepy peeping neighbor kind of way, but in a 'is my testimony for Christ what it should be' kind of way. I'm not gonna lie.. I have been the worst friend these past few months. We made a little group of friends at a church a year ago and I have done my best to distance myself from them. The reasons are complicated, but I have blamed infertility on much of it. I feel guilty about it all the time, but I can't bring myself to reach out to them or anyone. That's partially why I started this blog.

Infertility is so isolating and the heartbreak devastates so much of your life that I gave myself the go-ahead to become a recluse. I certainly wasn't trying to, but it happened. And when I have bad days and want to scowl at every mother with a baby that I see, sometimes I let myself do that too. Now I'm sure if those women were to spend a moment in my head and feel how my heart was breaking, they'd cut me some slack, but they don't know what I'm going through. And the more that I allow myself to let those feelings fester, the easier it is to become bitter. I don't want to be bitter. I pray daily for joy. I pray for joy just as much as I do for a child. Some days I need it more than others.

Today is one of those days. We had another failed IUI. Another failed IUI. Blech. I hate saying that. I guess we're starting a 3rd IUI. I received my meds today...  I'm not wholeheartedly in this cycle tho. I miss coffee and wine and feeling normal. If these cycles do anything to me, it takes away my feeling or normalcy. I feel like a lab rat and I'm living a live of restriction. I can't stand that.. And then when the cycle fails, I inevitably think "what did I do wrong? should I have eaten different things? should I not drink tea either? did I cause myself to miscarry early?"

I talked to my husband about these very things last night. He assured me that there's nothing I could have done differently and then he actually thanked me for putting myself through all the things I have. That was lovely to hear. :) I have an incredible husband. If I have anything to be thankful for through this trial, it's that infertility has brought us so close together. I can't quite put into words how grateful I am, but I'm astounded every day at how much we love each other. When other marriages are struggling under the heavy weight of infertility, ours has only been strengthened. 

Which  brings me back to my being watched. I have read many women's stories of their difficult journey and how torn apart their marriages were after enduring years of infertility. And all I can think when I see that is "if they only knew my Saviour, if they only knew what peace He could give them. If they only knew that they could ask Him for joy and He would give it to them." Then I'm reminded that I should always be a light in the darkness of this heartache. That no matter how hurt I'm feeling, God will never leave me and He has promised to give me strength. For this, I am the most grateful. Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Thank you, Lord, for this promise.