IUI #3 and the case of the evil doctor

It's 2 days past our 3rd IUI. I never enjoy these procedures  but I particularly disliked this last one. I had my least favorite doctor at the practice (there are 3) who performed my first IUI after which I bled for 3 days. The IUI itself was somewhat painful and then afterwards I had cramping for several days. She did my ultrasound once as well which was also painful. She's just bad. I'm very unhappy with her and I hate when she's (seemingly randomly) selected as my doctor.

So as I'm laying oh-so-vulnerably on the table in the waiting room, feet in stirrups and a blanket draped over my lap, I confess to this doctor that the first time she did my IUI, it was painful. I asked if she could possibly slow down this time as to not hurt me. Her reaction was less than empathetic. She told me that my cervix was the problem and that I have some type of tissue that would just be scratched no matter what. I replied that when a different doctor did my second IUI, not only did I not even feel it, there was not a drop of blood when he was done. She said that she'd done hundreds of these and that SHE wasn't the problem.

If I hadn't been in such a state as I was, I'd have kicked her in the face. Unfortunately, she was just about to do the IUI and I didn't want to make her mad in case she would hurt me more. Needless to say, it hurt this time as well, but not as bad as the time before. Her reaction was infuriating and I plan to request her taken off my case.

Now that I got that out, I feel a little better. We've decided to start possibly looking for a new RE. We've barely spoken to Dr. Y as it is and it seems like no one at this clinic is really concerned about our issues. I had initial blood work taken but beyond that, I haven't heard a peep. Finally I asked the very sweet nurse who always recognizes us when we come in, what our next step should be. I let her know that I already made an appointment with Dr. Y to discuss what we should do next and she assured me that he'd have a plan for us which would probably include injectables. But because I'm so "young" he's not in a hurry to move us along.

So what, I have to be 38 to get some attention around here?!?!  Because my FSH is only 9.8 I'm not considered an important enough case??  My DH's results have been less than stellar, but I don't see any concern. Why not?!

This is why we're looking for a new clinic. I just want to know that someone's even looking at our file. I feel like we're just put away, never to be seen again until I initiate contact. It's all so exhausting.

DH's numbers weren't awesome this time. Last IUI they were 19mil, this time 7.5mil. He was so discouraged when they told him the numbers. If I wasn't on the table at the time, I would have hugged him so hard. It just breaks my heart to think that he feels like the problem. Honestly, I believe it's the combination of us both. My less than stellar egg quality and his not-so perfect numbers.

We decided to take next cycle off if this one is not successful. I need a break from the meds and from never being able to drink coffee or wine or eat tumeric. Yes, tumeric..  lol Apparently it stimulates the uterus which is a no-no for TTC. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells during the TWW. I'm tired. I need to relax for a bit and not monitor everything I do.

So here we are. Two days past IUI. I wonder what the next two weeks shall hold..

Sarah's Laughter

I'm not sure if you've heard of this wonderful ministry, but it's called "Sarah's Laughter" and you can subscribe to their daily newsletters. It's Christian support through infertility and it has brought me out of some very dark times. You can find the website here: http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/ 

Today, I needed to be reminded that I'm being watched. No, not in a creepy peeping neighbor kind of way, but in a 'is my testimony for Christ what it should be' kind of way. I'm not gonna lie.. I have been the worst friend these past few months. We made a little group of friends at a church a year ago and I have done my best to distance myself from them. The reasons are complicated, but I have blamed infertility on much of it. I feel guilty about it all the time, but I can't bring myself to reach out to them or anyone. That's partially why I started this blog.

Infertility is so isolating and the heartbreak devastates so much of your life that I gave myself the go-ahead to become a recluse. I certainly wasn't trying to, but it happened. And when I have bad days and want to scowl at every mother with a baby that I see, sometimes I let myself do that too. Now I'm sure if those women were to spend a moment in my head and feel how my heart was breaking, they'd cut me some slack, but they don't know what I'm going through. And the more that I allow myself to let those feelings fester, the easier it is to become bitter. I don't want to be bitter. I pray daily for joy. I pray for joy just as much as I do for a child. Some days I need it more than others.

Today is one of those days. We had another failed IUI. Another failed IUI. Blech. I hate saying that. I guess we're starting a 3rd IUI. I received my meds today...  I'm not wholeheartedly in this cycle tho. I miss coffee and wine and feeling normal. If these cycles do anything to me, it takes away my feeling or normalcy. I feel like a lab rat and I'm living a live of restriction. I can't stand that.. And then when the cycle fails, I inevitably think "what did I do wrong? should I have eaten different things? should I not drink tea either? did I cause myself to miscarry early?"

I talked to my husband about these very things last night. He assured me that there's nothing I could have done differently and then he actually thanked me for putting myself through all the things I have. That was lovely to hear. :) I have an incredible husband. If I have anything to be thankful for through this trial, it's that infertility has brought us so close together. I can't quite put into words how grateful I am, but I'm astounded every day at how much we love each other. When other marriages are struggling under the heavy weight of infertility, ours has only been strengthened. 

Which  brings me back to my being watched. I have read many women's stories of their difficult journey and how torn apart their marriages were after enduring years of infertility. And all I can think when I see that is "if they only knew my Saviour, if they only knew what peace He could give them. If they only knew that they could ask Him for joy and He would give it to them." Then I'm reminded that I should always be a light in the darkness of this heartache. That no matter how hurt I'm feeling, God will never leave me and He has promised to give me strength. For this, I am the most grateful. Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Thank you, Lord, for this promise. 

Thursday, thursday, thursday..

Oh what a week..  This has been a really difficult week for me. I'm in the 2WW after our second IUI (9dpiui). DH has been working at the factory in Greensboro which means he has our one vehicle and I am stuck at home. This means I have plenty of hours to obsess and google and wonder whether or not this cycle will be a positive one. My gut feeling is that it won't be. I have already started researching IVF clinics.

I have found several clinics in the area and even some that are doing clinical trials. One offers $3000 off the full price of IVF which is pretty good.  I don't know why I'm already thinking about IVF.. From what we've discussed, we'll try as many IUI's as the doctor will let us. DH's sperm count was great last time and I respond well enough to a low dosage of femara. We should be able to do several IUI's before moving on.  I just don't know how to deal with this anymore

At least last year I had my school to distract me. Now it's March and I'm finding myself just twiddling my thumbs, waiting to find out what's going to happen. I started planning our vow renewal to take place later this year, but since we started fertility treatments, it's been the last thing on my mind. I just want to be a mother so badly. I've been picturing myself being pregnant for the first time in a long time. It doesn't seem so far fetched anymore.

Well I've been praying and sleeping and trying to be healthy. I think I will try acupuncture next cycle along with another IUI. I hope this will be our last treatment, but I'm realistic. Just trying to get through this week..

IUI #2

Wow, so much has happened in the past few days...It's been pretty busy around the apartment. We had IUI #2 this past Tuesday. That makes today 2DPIUI. The timing wasn't so perfect because we had to travel to Winston-Salem since they only do IUI's in the Greensboro location on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. This meant that we needed to get a hotel room for the night and wake up the next morning, time everything perfectly and get all of our stuff outta the room to make it on time to the appointment  The doctor's office ended up rescheduling us the day before from 9:30 to 11:30. I was pretty stressed about that, but the doctor who performed the IUI seemed absolutely thrilled with the timing.

The good news was that DH's numbers were 5x better (yep, you read that right) than the first IUI. Talk about a boost of self confidence! We were so happy to hear that. Unfortunately that doesn't guarantee that the IUI will work, but it certainly means that we can rule out MFI. 

So now I'm in the dreaded 2WW. Yesterday I was completely exhausted and spent the day being barely awake. Today I let myself sleep in a little more and had energy to go for a walk and do some chores around the house. Altogether it was a very low-key day but that's how most of my days are spent when I don't have the truck. 

I watched the 2nd season of Guiliana&Bill with DH yesterday and it really hit home with us. Besides the fact that they were a little clueless about what an IUI was, it was nice to hear the voice of infertility so proudly rung on tv. But it's still hard not having anyone to confide in IRL. The only girl I knew who was struggling with IF, ended up getting pregnant at the end of last year without assistance. I was happy for her but, you know how that goes, she's joined the "others," no longer in the silent sorority.

I don't know if this cycle is going to work. I want it to so badly. I pray that it does, but I'm also trusting in God's plan for us. He knows the perfect time for me to get pregnant and even though I think now would suit us just fine, He has the final say. So I pray for faith and hope and believe that God will bless us with a family when He sees fit. *sigh*

And that's it for the moment. Now I'm off to make some dinner!

Big day: IUI #1

Here it is, early 2013.. Can you believe it's already February? Well it is. So much has happened already this year. My SIL and BIL moved to Greensboro and are staying with us till they land on their feet. It's wonderful having them around but I'm sure they're ready to get out on their own again. I know how hard it is moving somewhere new. It can be challenging for sure. 

Now onto the important stuff: we had our first IUI. It was around 10am on 1/31. It was pretty stressful. I was initially told that we'd get there at 8, hand in the sample, have it processed and be ready to do the IUI by 8:30. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind waiting.. for a baby, I'll wait all day, but my expectations were that the processing of the sample would only take 30 minutes. Instead, we waited for 1.5 hours. Talk about anticipation. Just as DH was about to get up and ask them if something was wrong, they called my name.

The IUI wasn't too painful, but my cervix did get nicked when they inserted the catheter. It was a little shocking and mostly just crampy with some bleeding aftewards. I felt delicate for the rest of the day. DH dropped me off at home and I just sat on the couch for hours scared to move and mess up something. The doctor also told us to have sex the night of the IUI and the day after. That was pretty nerve wracking as I was still worried that I'd bump something and it'd all get ruined. Of course this isn't true, otherwise they wouldn't tell us to do it.

So now it's 4dpiui. I've been experiencing some cramping and bloating, but who knows if that's in my head, if it's ohss, or just regular tummy problems. I have no clue. I've been praying like a crazy person. I realize that if this doesn't work, we have the means to try again next cycle, and we will. But I want this to work. I really want this to work.

I hope and pray that our infertility journey will end in 2 weeks, but I'm also realistic about it. DH's numbers weren't fantastic but they were "good enough." I found out that my FSH is a little high but my AMH was perfect. Holy relief! All my other levels were totally fine. Maybe it's a little bit of endo? Who knows.

I'm hoping I can look back on this blog in a few months and remember this struggle and learn from it, but know that we can move past it. I hope so. I pray that'll happen. I really really do.

Anniversary Blues

Today is our 2nd anniversary and I celebrate with mix emotions. I am eternally and amazingly blessed to have my husband. I waited for years to find him and some days it still doesn't feel real. He is so good to me, so kind, honest, loving and compassionate. He is the perfect husband for me and I am grateful beyond words.

However, today, as happy as I am, I am sad. Sad that we can't celebrate this anniversary with a baby. Sad that we can't celebrate with even a pregnant belly or a positive test. At the mall today I noticed every baby in sight. Since Thanksgiving and the gift of my sister-in-law, I have been doing better. I've been more positive and thankful for my life and what it is. But at times like this (on CD3) it's hard to see the silver lining.

We do have an appointment with a new RE in January, but it seems so far away. I'm sure there will be many tests and hoops to jump through before we start treatment, so I'm bracing myself for what's ahead. I want to have hope. I want to have SO much hope, but I'm being careful..  cautious. I believe this is cycle #25 and that's hard to swallow. I honestly didn't think that we'd be waiting this long. But then again, I assumed that it would be hard. I'm kind of a pessimist. I think it's a defense mechanism. If you assume the worst, you can only be pleasantly surprised when things work out. Isn't that awful?? lol

Here I am, trying to feel more positive on the 3rd biggest day of our relationship. I know I will muster up the happiness and have a good time tonight (we're going to a fancy restaurant) but in the mean time, I might be deep in thought..  Dreaming of our someday-baby and if we'll ever meet her.

So here's to the infertiles. I'll drink a few for you and hold you close to my heart tonight. This can be a long, difficult, lonely road and sometimes we all need someone to just think of us. So I will.

Almost Christmas!

So I'm writing today, a whole month later. We've made an appointment at our RE for Jan 18th and I'm very excited/relieved/nervous/happy. Apparently it's supposed to be a nationally renowned IVF clinic which is encouraging. I guess I don't feel much like talking, but I wanted to get this stuff out.

We only tried a little bit this cycle. It's CD12 and I'm pretty sure I already ovulated. WTH? I'm assuming this means that the quality of my eggs is crap. Oh and I had an appt with a new OBGYN (recommended by a friend) and it went less than stellar. Although I do have to say that it was the most thorough checkup I've ever had. I kind of got the feeling that he didn't take our infertility seriously. Because my cycles are regular, DH's SA came back normal and I had no endo symptoms, he just thinks that putting me on clomid should fix my (alleged) poor egg quality issue.

So the hubs and I chatted about it for a bit and decided that we wanted to start the RE with a clean slate and with no prior meds taken. I think that's a good idea too. Plus I know you have only a 6 month window with clomid before your body stops responding, so I'd like to at least pair it with an IUI.

Well that's that. I finished school and have a 4.0 GPA. Very impressed with myself and encouraged that I could do so well. Yes, I know it was only one class, but I proved that I could be committed to my work and not overwhelmed with being in school again.  I'm taking next semester off so that we can pursue treatments and then see what next summer holds for us.

I'd say that's it for now. DH's about to get home and we're gonna get me outta this house! :) Happy 11 days before Christmas!!