Eating Our Feelings

We went to the beach. The water was freezing so there was no swimming, but Dixie was all about the water. It was adorable. The weather was actually pretty good. It did rain but it was after our beach going so we were in the hotel room anyway. It was a nice time. A pleasant distraction.

You see, this past Friday was our big appointment with the new RE. He was fantastic. He spent over an hour with us, went over every piece of information we provided him and really shot it straight. So yeah, we were pleased with him. It's just... well, the news wasn't so great.

If you've been following our story, you know we've done 3 IUIs. DH's numbers were good for one and not so fabulous for the other two. In the words of our new RE, his results were "dismal." Ouch. DH seemed unphased but that one stung. Our last doc didn't seem concerned with his numbers; in fact, they pinned the issue mostly with me. "Ovulatory dysfunction" he called it.

Well new RE disagreed. After reviewing all of my blood tests, ultrasound results and response to medications, he thinks that I'm just about perfect. Sure, my cycles could be a bit longer, but they're well within the normal range.

So that left poor DH. We had suspected that there might be a sperm issue, but no one had pinpointed it before. This time we finally got a clear answer. The new RE didn't think that it would be impossible for us to get pregnant doing another IUI, but the chances were slim. I think he said 5% to 10% at best. And putting me on injectables (which is what our next plan was going to be at Wake Forest) would be a waste of time because I'm responding well enough to Femara.

Then he took out the big guns: IVF. He didn't want to scare us or pressure us into doing something we weren't ready for, but he assured us that the sperm issues we were having would no longer be a problem with IVF.

We weren't prepared to hear that. We walked in there thinking that he'd give us a different protocol for our next IUIs or run some more blood tests for me or maybe a laparoscopy. But nope. All of that would be a waste of time...Technically we're still unexplained but most likely MFI.

So here we are. Candidates for IVF. Wow.. who'd have thought it.

We talked about IVF for a good part of our trip there and back. I wanted to know when IVF could happen and DH was just processing all this new information. I knew hearing that it could be MFI would hit him pretty hard. He's used to being the guy who can fix everything. And he does. Somehow, some way he fixes everything. But he can't fix this. We're helpless on our own and that breaks his heart, my heart. It kills me to know that he takes responsibility for us not being pregnant. I know in my heart that it's the combination of the two of us, but he doesn't buy it. But honestly, regardless of whose biological issue it is, we're not pregnant and God intended it to be this way.

So this was a heavy weekend. Coupled with that stupid greeting card holiday, it was a lot to take in. But we're starting to look at overseas IVF because IVF here at home won't be an option for years.

Where do you go from here? How do you just wake up one day and realize that your body has betrayed you and still be fine? I'm willing to do pretty much anything to start a family.

And after all that, we decided to have nachos for dinner last night. I'm pretty sure that was the first time DH has ever eaten his feelings (I'm a veteran, naturally) and he certainly deserved to. I love that man. I'm so proud to call him my husband. Proud of how hard he works on a daily basis.  Proud that he takes such good care of me, of his family. And one day I hope to make him a father because I know he'll be amazing. I want him to feel confident in everything he does, so my new mission in life is to make sure he feels 100% supported, loved, taken care of and well fed. Seriously, you can't neglect the food part.

And any extra prayers you happen to have lying around you can throw our way.

Puppies and Pity

We're getting our puppy today!!  So to be clear, we already have one dog. She's a beautiful 3 year old lab mix named Dixie who's only 32 lbs and still looks like a puppy. Everyone's always surprised when I tell them how old she is. My husband got her when she was the littlest puppy and I met her when she was two. She's the sweetest girl, absolutely loves to snuggle and is incredibly well behaved. The only problem is her shyness around other dogs. Whenever we take her to the dog park, it takes her awhile to even let other dogs come near her. At the vet the other day, the doc told me that getting a new puppy might help bring her out of her shell. I hope that's the case.

Dixie and her weird flipped back ear lol

Our new puppy, Brighton, is a little yellow/white lab mix. He's got a tiny pink nose and green eyes. Adorbs. I already love him and we only spent two hours together. I'm supposed to pick him up today around noon, but the way my life goes, I'll believe it when I see it.

This is a common thing I've noticed...  Infertiles getting dogs in lieu of children. I'm very aware that Brighton is not a baby and I won't treat him as such, but it's the first thing in my life that I'll have from the (almost) beginning. I am so aching with love to give that I can't wait for something to shower in it. I know a puppy is not a replacement for a baby, but I've been waiting two years for a child with not even a glimmer of hope. A puppy, we can buy. Or in this case, rescue.

I feel that the hole in my heart for my unborn baby is a deep, dark cavern, filled with cracks and chilling water. It's been shaken so many times that it becomes deeper and deeper through each heartbreak. This puppy will fill the tiniest fraction of the cavern. Maybe it will become a guard rail at the opening to caution any viewers that might fall into the endless abyss. All I know is that I'll have something to hold. Something that I can call mine.

When we went looking for puppy stuff the other day, I felt an excitement that I had long since buried. Tiny accessories for a tiny body. Sure, it was leashes and collars and dog bowls, but it was new and little and I could buy them without the objects mocking me with their uselessness in my life right now.

See I don't ever go into the baby section of stores. I try to avoid them like the plague. Anything with a tiny child's face on it is like kryptonite to me. They have no use in my life at the moment and sometimes I feel like they won't ever will. So I stay away, far, far away. Because far away is the safest place for me. If I don't see that babies and families and pregnant women exist, I can forget, for a time, that they do.

And that is what's been on my mind as of late. I'm sure those who know our situation might think to themselves, "Good for them, at least they'll have a puppy." I know it's true. Sometimes I can sense their pity. They can't relate to the pain and for most, empathy is difficult and out of reach, so they pity me and my sad state. It's fine. I don't need it, but it's better than apathy. But that's a whole other post. ;)

So, yeah. Puppy. Today. Pictures to come.

Bitter Betty's on Board. Look out.

I think I'm gonna buy myself some flowers from 1-800-flowers so I can stop getting these annoying m-day reminders. I'll label it "From: My Unborn Children - Sorry we're taking so long to get to you, we're really lazy."

Well, kids, it's not polite to make people wait so long.

And you know what else bugs me? When pregnant people who didn't do anything except try the natural way, has someone tell them "Congratulations!" Oh yeah.. you worked SO hard. Way to have sex with your wife!

Why doesn't anyone congratulate me??? "Good job trying 39 times (yep, I counted today, we've tried for 39 cycles) to get pregnant! You're a real trooper!" Who tries 39 times to do anything???  If I had to try 39 times to succeed at anything else, I would've stopped like 30 times ago. This is ridiculous.

I want a freakin m-day card that tells me how sorry the universe is for making me put up with all this happy mother's day crap.

So "FURIOUS!!" Aaaarrrggghhh!!!

Yup. That's really how I feel. Sorry if I just blew up your house with my angry tornado rant.

The Confidence of Stupidity

Just in case I wasn't sure about switching fertility clinics before... This is the conversation that took place today between me and the receptionist at our old clinic:

"Hi, I'm here to sign a release for all of my medical records."

"Sure. Oh, are you pregnant??"

" .....no."

"Okay then."

Thank you for making me answer that question, worst receptionist lady of all time. Just your friendly neighborhood reminder that I'm still not pregnant.

"Please, God, not today.."

We visited a new church today. It was ginormous. So big that they needed multiple signs to tell you how to get to where you wanted to go. And I think they had about 80 bathrooms. But we've been searching for a new church for months and we felt pretty confident about this one. I particularly felt good about it.

You see, I was actually feeling good when I woke up today. With the impending d-day (I refuse to use the "m" word anymore), I felt relatively calm and level-headed. We'd been having a great weekend and enjoyed doing regular couple things and especially enjoyed not having to move anything. That was the big plus. We just relaxed.  Oh and we also chose a puppy who will be coming home next week! But I'll talk more about that in another post..

So considering my frame of mind this morning, I thought for sure that this service would be easy to sit through, enjoyable and maybe we'd even chat with some patrons afterwards.

But all that changed the minute we sat down.

Being in the upper balcony, we squinted to see several people congregating at the front of the stage. "Oh no," we said, glancing at one another. "Please, God, not today. I'm really trying..." I thought. But to my dismay, those two dreadful words flashed up on the screens:

Baby Dedication Day

Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!  WHY?!?!?  Why today of all days?!  Why can't we just catch a break already?! Why does this misery follow us around like a plague?!?

I wanted to leave. At that moment, I wanted to get up and run to the nearest exit. But we stayed. Shrunken in our seats, we agonized through all 20 minutes (no kidding) of this painful morning. I cringed at every baby's face that was plastered on the screen and even more so when the congregation "ooo" and "ahh-ed" at each one. And it was like a knife in my heart when the pastor would talk only to the parents and grandparents and leave out the bleeding hearts who so desperately wanted to join their elusive club.

Needless to say, it crushed my peaceful state of mind. I was officially in a funk. I couldn't even tell you what the rest of the sermon was about. With all the people scattered around us, I didn't feel the need to censor my eye-rolling. It probably wasn't the most Christianly thing to do, but I was worn down. Tired of going from church to church and feeling the same way. Tired of putting on a brave face when inside I was crumbling. It was just too much. Too hard.

After the sermon was over, we bolted out the door and decided to do something we never do. Go out to lunch! Yes, I know that might seem silly to you, but we're very frugal people. Going out to eat is not a normal option for us, but I had a bucket full of feelings that needed to be eaten, and that could only be done with a big delicious sandwich. So eat them I did.

And that was my morning.

Caution: Sadness Crossing

Boston. How I miss you. I only lived outside the city (Allston then Brighton) for a short time, but my heart has always been there. If it hadn't been for meeting my amazing husband and moving to NC, I'm sure I'd still be there today... 10 minutes away from the bombing site and among the chaos that is this crazy manhunt. It's hard to concentrate on anything else except the heartache and suspense of finding the terrorists who have hurt so many people. Yet I find myself reflecting on so much sadness today.

I've tried to put TTC out of my mind for this month. I've tried to focus on moving and organizing and buying new things for our apartment, but it's hard. Hard to know that today could have been our 4th IUI. Next month marks another mother's day that I can't celebrate.

In a few weeks is my niece's 1st birthday. How I adore that little girl, yet her big day brings back such painful memories for me. I wish I could've been at her birth and held my sister(inlaw)'s hand. I wish that seeing that baby girl for the first time would have only brought me overwhelming joy. But it's with mixed emotions that I face the next few weeks.  I would love nothing more than to share in what seems like the rest of the world's happy time. A (seemingly) whole month devoted to celebrating mothers. A title that I long to have. An identity that continues to elude me. But how I chase it. Every moment of every day I'm reminded of what I am not. At the store, on tv, outside my home and at church. Everywhere there are pictures of the happy family that I don't have.

I don't mean to be morose  I've been trying to keep busy with various life things but it's the quiet times that I remember the hole in my heart. Its gentle aching as I snuggle my puppy. Especially the times that I pick her up and hold her on my lap. What I wouldn't give to be holding my child..

*sigh*

....Speaking of puppies, and a change of subject before we all drown ourselves in my depression, we're trying to adopt one! A puppy that is. I found myself at the Guilford County Animal Shelter a few days ago, playing with the most adorable 7 week old puppy. Black and white and cute all over. (sorry the quality's not so great - she wouldn't sit still for her photo-op)

Oh it is so happening. I will adopt a puppy if it's the last thing I do. Or at least the first thing I accomplish this summer.

And with that note, I'm gonna go buy myself something pretty. Specifically makeup, groceries and possibly some dry shampoo. Oh, the exciting life I live.

And the journey continues..

I have to say, this has been a difficult week. Found out (not surprisingly) on Sunday morning that the IUI didn't work. Still went to church tho, so I get 5 points. I've been in a daze ever since. I don't know if I thought this one would work, but it feels different this time. I think it's because we're taking a break from treatments for a while. The last few times the IUI's failed, AF meant, not just that it didn't work, but that we could start over again. This time it means that it's over.. for the time being.

The other night we were sitting on the porch drinking beers (hallelujah) and it dawned on me... We've been trying for more than 2 years and over 30 cycles, yet I have never once seen two pink lines. Not even a little bit. Nothing.

See I decided to test this last time because I theorized that maybe I was getting pregnant but losing it soon after. Of course my theory was mistaken, but it meant that I bought a pregnancy test for the first time in a year. I stopped buying them because they were a waste of money and I could tell by my temperature if AF was coming or not.

I guess that's why this time is harder for me. I realized that this means I won't be a mother for stupid mother's day.. again. And that just breaks my heart a little more every time I think about it. The silver lining is the trip that we'll be taking to the beach. We went last year as well after I explained to DH that I couldn't stand the idea of attending church for "that day."  This year is no different. Another year past and still no baby. No pregnancy.

I'm sure I'll feel a little better as time goes on. I did start drinking regular coffee again and drinking beer. I stopped all of that for the last 3ish months and it's been freeing to be normal again.

I am looking forward to a few things: we're moving next Monday to Greensboro. We live outside the city limits at the moment and this move will put us in the perfect area. Very excited. We'll also be saving $200 a month which we can put towards a house downpayment/IVF.

But I'm just taking these moments in stride for now. To be honest, I stopped asking God for a pregnancy over the last few days. I know this isn't true, but my heart just feels like it's a waste of time. Actually putting that down in words makes it feel worse than it did before. I have to work on that. I hope the Lord is patient with me. Oh and I signed us up for a group counseling session at a local hospital  It's specifically for dealing with infertility. I'm hoping it'll be good for us and, who knows, maybe we'll make some friends in the process.

That's all for now. It's 7pm and DH hasn't left work yet. Crossing my finger's that he'll call me soon. Till next time.