Oh, hello again.

I'm sure you're wondering..  What the heck happened in Czech Republic?? Did you die?!?!  Well not quite. It was incredibly emotional tho. So I'm gonna try to sum it up for you in one neat little post. Here goes:

After our final scan we saw that we had 19 follicles. We were absolutely thrilled. Besides being bloated and uncomfortable, I didn't have many side effects from the Gonal F. I was just relieved that we'd have a good number of eggs. The doctor had told us that we'd most likely get 4 or 5 which meant we'd have some to freeze. Perfect.

Well the day of the retrieval came and I was pretty scared. DH was incredibly supportive and just the sweetest. They brought me up to the recovery room filled with 4 empty beds that I'd have all to myself. It looked more like little motel room than a hospital which I liked.

The procedure itself was a little unnerving. I followed a nurse into the surgery room and hopped up on the bed. Then came the part where they pulled up my nightie shirt and I felt very exposed. Soon I was all covered with a sheet and the anesthesiologist came over to insert the needle. She didn't speak a lick of English, in fact, no one in the operating room did (except my doctor but he was preoccupied), which was the unnerving part. She put the needle in with no English warning and in less than 5 seconds I was out like a light.

I woke up pretty woozy and my cute husband recorded the hilarious things I said to him as I lay in the recovery room. At one point I told him, "I hope we got so many eggs. I tried so hard." He said it brought tears to his eyes to hear me say that. Of course, we all know that we have no control over how many eggs we produce. Our bodies have the final say.

And my body sure did - They got 9 eggs. Three were abnormal. Three were immature and out of the three that were left, only two fertilized. They emailed us this info the next morning. We were devastated.

Here we thought we'd have a few left over for an FET if needed. But now we weren't even sure if we'd have any to transfer. We spent the next 4 hours in tears, praying and pleading with God to let those two little embryos grow enough to meet us. We also made the decision to move the transfer from a 5 day to a 3 day.

Now let me tell you all something. My doctor didn't suggest moving it to a 3 day. I am the one who suggested it. I honestly can't say if our little embies would have made it to 5 days or not, but I know that there's a significant chance that they wouldn't have. If I hadn't have done my research and been confident in the facts that I knew, I wouldn't have asked to move the transfer date. But I am so incredibly glad that I did.  So I'm saying that to tell you - You MUST MUST MUST be your own advocate. When it comes to infertility specifically, don't just assume your doctor or nurse or whoever is looking out for your very best interest, you have to look out for you. Do the leg work, research till your eyes fall out, ask around, read blogs, listen to other's stories and find out the facts. It is imperative!

Okay, off my soapbox. Back to the story.

I'll skip over the next two days as they were filled with anxiety and worry. We ended up having both embryos to transfer on day 3. Hallelujah! This was an answer to prayer if I've ever seen one. We had a perfect 8 cell with no fragmentation and a perfect (albeit a little slow) 5 cell with no fragmentation.

The transfer went perfectly - They didn't use an ultrasound but I felt literally nothing during the transfer (and that's a good thing). And they sent me off.

We spent the next few days taking it easy. Eating lots of protein, chips, bread, fruit, and other various Czech things.  We took a train to Prague a few days later and walked around the city exploring a little. A few days later we flew back to the States and I was very glad to get home and sleep in my own bed, but as soon as I was, the anxiety set in. I knew it didn't work. There was no way. I cried and worried and cried some more. How could those two poor lonely embryos have implanted??? No way.

Well we decided to test the Wednesday before my beta just to get it over with. I had already started researching IVF clinics in our are as I knew we wouldn't travel again. I was preparing myself to move on. Maybe the negative result wouldn't sting as much if I already had a plan in mind.

I woke up at 4am that morning and we both went in the bathroom. Pulled out a cheapie test and did the dead. We left the bathroom and laid back down in bed. We prayed. For 10 minutes straight, we prayed for peace and strength and hope. We thanked God for the opportunity to hold those little embryos in my uterus for as long as I had. I thanked God that for a few brief moments in our lives we were parents - for however brief that was.

Then we walked back into the bathroom and knew it was time. DH uncovered the test and there it was...


The two lines that had evaded us for 35 cycles. We were pregnant!!! WE WERE PREGNANT!!! We held each other and cried and thanked God for the miracle of life He had given us.

So here we are. I had two beta's done - 144 @ 13dp3dpt and 967 @ 16dp3dt and the numbers looked good. We go in for our first ultrasound on 10/25. We feel good about it. Hopeful. But you can't be too confident with these things..  I'm just happy that I can finally say that I've been pregnant. Obviously we want to meet the(se) little one(s) in 9 months - I want nothing more - but now I know that my body is capable of carrying a child and that is life changing.

And now we wait. And pray. And hope. And pray. We pray that God will allow our baby(s) to grow and grow and be healthy. We pray that our appointments would be little slivers of joy. We pray that we can finally put the heartbreak of infertility behind us. But mostly we pray to thank God for His goodness and faithfulness to us.

So we pray.

Dobry Den!

Hi.

It's been a while. Sorry about that. The past few weeks have been crazy, but you don't want to hear about that. If you've been following my story, you know that we're in the Czech Republic.. like.. right now. And we are! It's amazing. No, it's not paradise, but it's beautiful here. The people are nice enough the the weather is great, although a tad bit chilly (tho you won't hear any complaints from me).

But onto the good stuff - we had our first ultrasound appointment on Thursday. I met Petra (one of the coordinators) and she was absolutely adorable. She was incredibly sweet and accommodating. She listened to each and every one of my concerns and answered all my questions. I didn't meet Dr. Vrana (who has been my doctor thus far) instead I met the other doctor, whose name slips my mind, and he was also very nice.

My ultrasound showed 15 follicles, which is awesome. The largest of which was 13 but mostly around 8 to 10. The doctor was pleased with my results and increased my Gonal F injections from 225 a day to 250 on Friday and 275 Saturday & Sunday. He also prescribed me Cetrotide which prevents the body from ovulating on its own.

My next appointment is tomorrow at 8:30. I'm looking forward to it. I really hope I responded well to the extra meds and my follicles will be much bigger. I'm also secretly hoping that I have even more sneaky little follicles pop up with the extra meds.  The doctor informed me that, even though I have 15 follicles, probably 10 of them will actually contain eggs, and then less than that will fertilize after the retrieval and 4 or 5 will make it to day 5.

This is just an average but pretty accurate. I'm hoping to the be exception and get more than what he assumes I will. Tomorrow he'll also let me know when my retrieval will be. He thinks it'll be on Thursday but we'll confirm this during our appointment.

I'm pretty ready to get this over with. The shots have been making my tummy so bloated. So if my pants aren't stretchy or just way too big, I'm not wearing them. But I realized yesterday that I haven't been eating much. I mean, we have to shop in foreign grocery stores so we don't have a ton of food in our apartment, but I just haven't been hungry. Being puffy really causes my stomach to think it's already full, so I keep skipping meals and not even realizing it. But today we're putting forth an effort to really eat more. I don't want my little follies to be malnourished!

And that's it for now. I've been super distracted so I haven't felt like blogging since we arrived, but I wanted to let you all know how I was doing. Our apartment is super bright and clean. I absolutely love it. The tram is right across the road so it's perfectly convenient and I LOVE public transportation so it's such a treat for me. Today we plan on doing some sight-seeing and touring the city. Altogether we've been taking it easy and really enjoying our time here. It's so nice to have my DH with me 24/7. :)

Hope you're all well! I'll check in after my next ultrasound!

74 Degrees

Let's talk about my thyroid... (try to contain your excitement ;) It was high - 3.62, to be exact. I had no idea it was that high. So, apparently there's different scales to measure your TSH level, and doctors will argue over what's high and what's not, but for the sake of getting pregnant, my clinic said they wanted it around 1.0.  Well obviously 3.62 is not 1, so I had some work to do. They put me on levothyroxine for about a month now and it's been great.

Oh, so the title of the blog.. right. While it's not 74 degrees out at the moment (don't I wish it was), that's the temperature in our apartment. "Okay, so what?" you might say. Before taking this medication, I liked for the temperature to never go over 72. And even that was pushing it. I'd bring it down to 71 or even lower depending on the day. What this meant was that I couldn't tolerate heat. This is one of the classic signs of hypothyroidism.

Let's explore this a little - My basal body temperature (if you're a fellow TTCer, you know you've taken yours every morning for at least a few months), would generally hover around 97.5 in my follicular phase (pre-ovulation) and then 98.1 in my luteal phase (post ovulation). Now that's an average, but I've seen my BBT get as low as 96.7. Yikes. And sometimes it'd get higher than 98.1 but it was usually just for a day or two after I O'd.

I thought for sure this meant that I had a luteal phase defect. I clearly wasn't producing enough progesterone to sustain high temps and therefore I was losing a potential pregnancy each month. But no doctor ever bothered to check my thyroid. And low BBTs are a classic sign of hypothyroidism.

That was until Reprogenesis checked it. And I'm so glad they did because having a high TSH (anything about a 1.5 to 2) can cause miscarriage. Now my BBT has been 98.5 or higher when I wake up. This means that I'm not a giant pool of sweat whenever it creeps above 72 in our apartment.  This makes me happy. And it also makes me feel reassured that these doctors just might know what they're doing. :)

So the moral of my story is, have your doctor check your thyroid! You could be hypo and not even realize it!

IVF Timeline

I've been purposely staying away from blogging for a little bit.  I've felt a little nuts lately with all the planning and preparations that go into doing IVF across the Atlantic. I had a tiff with my coordinator and ended up requesting a new one. That was a huge, unnecessary source of anxiety. Things are much better now, but I have always been one who can only focus on "the now" so needless to say, I couldn't cope.

But things are fine now. We sent our payment yesterday so now it's truly finalized. All of my medication is here and I've been on birth control and levothyroxine since 8/20 (CD3). It's now CD17 which means tomorrow I increase my birth control dosage from 1 to 2 a day - morning and night. Right now I have a little tenderness in my breasts but nothing crazy. I feel like this will be a little intense. Honestly, it shouldn't be anything compared to the "big drugs" so I'm trying not to make much of it. I also start taking prednisone around the same time, which is a steroid that will tell the body not to attack the embryo. Great stuff.

Just in case you're curious about our timeline, here's a breakdown for you:

8/20: Start Desogen (birth control)
8/20: Start Levothyroxine (thyroid medication)
9/05: Increase BCP to 1-0-1 (morning & night)
9/06: Start Prednisone & Folic Acid
9/08: Last BCP - continue other medication
9/12: Expected Period
9/14: (CD3) Start Gonal F
9/16: Leave for Czech Republic
9/17: Arrive in Prague & take bus to Brno
9/18: First U/S - do not take Gonal until after appointment for dosage adjustment
9/18: Possible start date of Cetrotide (a drug that suppresses ovulation)
9/23: Second U/S
9/26: Possible Egg Retrieval
10/01: Possible Egg Transfer

So as we all know, in the world of IF we can plan to our little hearts content, but sometimes the body does what it wants to, which means some of these dates are tentative. Who knows when the actual retrieval will be. I think they like to stim for about 10 days, so it shouldn't be too far off the timeline above. But I've always been a good responder, so I might be ready sooner. We'll see.

And just an update on the apartment - I know I said that we'd be staying at that super modern apartment in Brno, but we're back to staying at the Vienna Apartment. I'm pretty excited. Tomas (the owner) has been absolutely brilliant in his emails and super accommodating. I feel confident about staying at this place and it seems like it's in a good part of town that's close to plenty of stores and such.

Well that's it for now - we leave in less than two weeks. Holy. Crap. I still need to buy a new purse cuz mine's been falling apart and that's the last thing I need while running through an airport. So off I go to the store! Hope you're all doing well!

The Most Unfortunate Place for an Infertile

Today's a big day. Today I took my first birth control pill. I can't believe the irony of how exciting that is. What's more, you should ask me where I got my birth control.

Planned Parenthood.

Oh yes.

I ordered BCP, Prednisone, Folic Acid, and Synthroid from my clinic in Czech. They shipped it over a month ago and, as of yesterday, it hadn't arrived. It's lost somewhere in post office land. This has plagued me with anxiety over the last few weeks. I've stalked our mail man on several occasions. I've gone to our post office several times to see if they have it. Nothing.

Extreme measures had to be taken. Where is an easy place to get birth control? Yep. So I went. Needless to say, it wasn't enjoyable.

I arrived at 12:15 and filled out my paperwork. 30 minutes later I asked to use their restroom so they let me back and handed me a cup. "What's this for?" I asked. "A pregnancy test." "Oh, well I don't need it, I just got my period today." "It's procedure, we have to test you."

I'd be lying if I said that didn't sting a little. What stung worse was when they gave me the results. "You're not pregnant, don't worry."

Oh, wow. Okay. For the first time in 35 cycles of trying, someone else said that to me aloud. Yes, I'm well aware that I'm not pregnant, that's why I'm here at your trashy little establishment!

The nurse came in and we went over my information. I told her why I needed the BCP and she understood. After she left the room I overheard her talking with the doctor and another girl. "So she's here for BCP for her IVF cycle."  "What's IVF?" (um, can you imagine asking this  now?)  "It's in vitro-fertilization (moron!)"  "Well why does she need BC for IVF?"   "To regulate her cycle."

I wanted to burst out of the room and tell that idiot asking all the questions to google once in a while!! I knew what IVF years ago, before I was married, before thinking of babies, before understanding infertility. Ugh, the ignorance!

But I didn't do that. I just sat in the room.. waiting.. humiliated.

I got my prescription and left as fast as I could. Cried in the car, naturally. We managed to convince an RE in the area to write me prescriptions for the rest of the medication I needed. I wish I had just asked him for the BC and saved myself another awful experience.


But here I am, my first day of BCP. I have my medication schedule for the next few weeks. I hope the end of this month goes by fast. I've been occupying myself with buying a few things for the trip. I need a new purse - the straps are falling apart, this is a great excuse. I'm also looking for leggings and some jeans shirts to wear once I start doing injections and become a human pincushion. I can't imagine feeling comfortable in jeans once that starts.

I'm trying to stay positive - I've started saying "when" we get pregnant instead of "if." I have no idea what effect this has, if any, but it can't hurt. I just wished I fully believed it. Maybe it'll be different once we're there. Once I'm pumped full of hormones and they start taking pictures of my ovaries. Maybe then I'll feel hopeful, positive, even confident.

So I wait. Just a little longer.

So Technical - How We Chose Our Clinic

I said a little while ago that I'd start writing more technical posts about IVF and the process so far. I'm incredibly lazy so I haven't gotten around to it, but I'm biting the bullet and writing it today. Here goes..

First I'll tell you how I narrowed down our clinic of choice:

I searched through pages and pages of the Czech Mates posts on the Inspire forums. This is how I first came to hear about IVF abroad. I'd never realized that this was an option. Most of these women go to a clinic in Zlin, Czech Republic for Donor Egg IVF. This didn't apply to me, so I kept Zlin in mind but continued my search. I also noticed some women referencing Fertility Friends and their forums about IVF abroad as well. I read through all of the information I could get my hands on. On FF, I saw more women doing Own Egg IVF and starting snooping around to see which clinics they went to.

Finally, I made a spreadsheet of all potential IVF clinics in Czech. I sorted them by city, success rates, price, services provided, and anything extra that they might do. I narrowed it down to 4 clinics: Reprogenesis, Reprofit, Zlin's Center for Reproductive Medicine, and Gennett. I emailed all of them. (I actually emailed about 10 different clinics, but I'll focus on these 4).

Zlin's replies were fairly quick, but I had a difficult time communicating with coordinator. English was obviously not her first language and, as I like to ask about 1 billion questions, I thought that communication should be key. I also didn't love that Zlin was in the middle of nowhere (think rolling hillside country). If we wanted to do any day trips and get out of our hotel room, we'd have to hop on a bus, taxi, or train and drive about an hour.

Gennet's responses were good, but ended up being quite a bit more expensive than the others. See, all of the clinics asked for basic blood work - FSH, LH, Estradiol, Prolactin, TSH, and sometimes AMH. But Gennett wanted me to have an EKG done and a bunch of other blood work (in preparation for the anesthesia) that would have undoubtedly cost an arm and a leg. Plus, I didn't want to look for a doctor to do all these tests and have to explain why I needed them. Even though they were in Prague and it would've been awesome to stay in that city, it would've been too expensive, so they were out.

Reprofit responded quickly and their replies were easy to understand. I sent them my information (past blood work, IUI results, HSG tests, sperm analysis, etc) and started down the path with them. But I didn't get a warm and fuzzy feeling from their coordinator, and the doctor I was emailing kept missing several questions I would ask. So I put them on the shelf for a bit.

Then there was Reprogenesis. From the get go, they were wonderful. Every single question I asked would be answered the next morning in complete detail. I sent them my information as well and we had a Skype consultation with their doctor. He was great and we had a very good feeling about them.

We narrowed it down to Reprogenesis and Reprofit - they were identically priced with ReproG being slightly more expensive. This was because ReproG used the Embryoscope which added about $800 extra. I did some research and came to the conclusion that the Embryoscope was mainly beneficial for women who had low quality eggs (generally over 35 or DOR) and that didn't apply to me.

So having shaved off that $800 from the cost, we realized that we really preferred ReproG after all. And that's how we chose our clinic.  :)

I drank wine from the bottle last night.

I'm not proud of it, but it happened. And it wasn't as delicious as I'd hoped it be. Better luck next time, I guess.

Okay, I've been depressed. Not your typical "I had a bad day, it rained, I spilled coffee on my skirt, my dog chewed my favorite shoe" kind of depressed. No, more like, "It's noon and you actually want me to get out of bed?? What for?" Yeah, that kind.

Since getting off of Zoloft I've had a horrid time with withdrawal symptoms. Nausea, fatigue, anxiety, depression, random bouts of crying. It's been fun. It's tapered off a bit. I no longer have those crazy "brain zaps" they tell you about. I haven't felt  nauseous lately either. So that's been better.

But the depression.. Oh, the depression. I've been haunted by it. I have a little dark cloud over my head that follows me everywhere. Sometimes I forget that it's there and I can feel normal, but other times, it surrounds me.

I suppose it could have something to do with my Thyroid. I had my bloods stolen the other day and I sent the results to Reprogenesis. Apparently my TSH is super high. They want it to be around .5 to 1.5 for IVF. My TSH was 3.6. Yikes! According to the standard, anything about 2.5 is considered abnormal and potentially hypothyroid. I guess that explains why I have the stamina of an 80 year old lady.

Seriously, this is my very sad daily routine: I leave around 2:30 to go to the store. I head to Whole Foods and search for delicious things, then I drive over to Ulta and stare at the clearance aisle for about 30 minutes but buy nothing. I then head to the Christmas Tree Shop and walk around there for about 45 minutes. I buy whatever wonderfully cheap items they have there and then walk next door to Target where I proceed to purchase whatever items Christmas Tree Shop didn't have. Then I go to pick up my husband from work.

(Also, my day just sounded a lot more pathetic having written it out. Can you believe that this is what I do most days? How sad! What kind of person am I??? :( Ugh..)

As I walk out of Target to the car, I can't wait to collapse into the seat. I'm exhausted. I drive the 5 minutes to DH's workplace and wait in the parking lot to pick him up. But I don't even want to move at this point. We drive another 5 minutes home and I wish he could pick me up out of the car and walk me up the stairs to our apartment. I find my way to the couch and would love nothing more than to fall asleep and wake up 3 hours later.

This is not normal!!!! I am only 28!!!

But now I at least have an answer to why I tire so very, very easily. My TSH is out of control. Fortunately, they're sending me medication to bring it down. Apparently, a high TSH causes miscarriage. I'm glad they checked for it. Wake Forest never bothered to check. Surprise, surprise.

I hope that it'll help with my depression, or at least mask it by giving me super energy. I'll take any kind of help that I can get at this point.

34

34

That would be the number of cycles we've tried. I counted them today. I haven't done that in a while. I stopped when we were hitting 20 because I felt like I was punishing myself. But today, I was curious. So by the time we do IVF, it'll be 36 cycles. That's 3 years worth of trying, yet it's been just over 2 1/2.

AF came today. It's fine. No, it's good. It's a good thing. It means that I can start BCP in a few days. It means that I can get my blood drawn on Wednesday to test my hormone levels and send them off to my clinic. But ... it also means one more thing - I am not a mother. Still.

It's hard not to feel insignificant when you count up the times you've tried to get pregnant and realize that you should easily have two children by now. That stings.

It's hard not to feel insignificant when you drive to the grocery store and can't park in a space because it's reserved for "mothers with children."

It's hard not to feel insignificant when you turn on the news and you hear about the excitement of other women's impending births.

But not yours. Not mine. I am childless.


...*deep breath*


Still, I have hope. Not that I'll one day be a mother, but that God will take these deep, dark, voids filled with pain and tears and wasted days and fill them with a peace that only He can give.

In the midst of the tears I cry today, I feel overwhelmingly thankful. I have a God who watches over me. I could be a lost soul who would never know the goodness and grace of my Heavenly Father, but He chose me from the beginning of time and He works every piece of my life for good.

So I may be scared that this upcoming IVF will fail, but He is not. He knows the outcome. I know that should always be enough for me, but I must admit that my faith waivers. Sometimes I forget that when I say He works everything for our good - that it is also for His glory. So when he allowed Job's family to be killed, it was for His glory. When He allowed Joseph to be taken into slavery, it was for His glory. When allowed Hannah to feel the pain of a barren womb year after year, it was for His glory. But we take comfort in the troubles they faced because we know the beautiful end to their stories, just as God knows the end of ours.

I can't imagine how denying us a child would glorify my Saviour, but I can guarantee that it will. And just the fact that God has a plan for us is humbling. Some people's paths are smooth and easy, with seemingly small hills. Some are clear and obvious. But ours is filled with trees and rocks, blocking our path. The storms we face make it hard to see. It's discouraging. Yet in this struggle God is trying to teach us something.

So for now, that's good enough. The small, quiet moments that I know God is whispering to me. That I know He hasn't forgotten about me. I know He sees my tears today. I know He feels my heart break. And it's in these times that I feel Him the closest to me. For this, I am grateful and humbled and hopeful.

Moving Along

It's been awhile, hasn't it? I've been meaning to write but couldn't quite drag myself to the keyboard. Sure, I've been on the computer, checked the stats of my blog, looked in on some other bloggers I follow, but I haven't taken the time to write down my thoughts.

Why? Well, we all know it fairly well by now: Anxiety. Infertility is riddled with it. Sometimes it's during the TWW. Sometimes it's preparing for a medicated cycle. Sometimes it's just waiting around contemplating what to do next.

I am very anxious. We're down to about two months until our first IVF cycle. Honestly, I'm scared. Scared of what might happen before the cycle... Will we make it there in time? Will I take the right amount of drugs? Will I ovulate early? Will I be sick from the medication? And then of course, what if it doesn't work? How will I handle it? I'm usually a pretty good judge of my reactions. I've known myself for a while. ;) But I honestly do not know how I will cope with a failed cycle. Sure, plenty of warriors have gone before me and completed IVF after IVF, but I don't know if I'm strong enough.

How do you know? Am I cut out for this? I mean, I guess I am cuz I've committed to it this far. We haven't sent them the check yet, but we're all in it. I won't change my mind. I want this. I want to try. I just want it to work.

So, I'm scared. I'm worried. I want to feel hopeful but it's too complicated to feel purely one emotion. I can't be *too* hopeful or *too* scared. I must manage my expectations.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been slowly coming off of Zoloft. I've been on 50 mg for almost a year now and I've forgotten why I needed it. It's been really hard. Dr. Vrana (the doctor at Reprogenesis) wants me to stop Zoloft for the cycle anyway so I figured I'd go off of it now before starting BCP and adding that to the mix. But it's been rough. I need some kind of help. I feel like I'm dangling from a cliff.

Okay, so that's my world right now. Here are the logistics:

We've changed our IVF date from October to mid September. We're planning to be there around September 18th. My coordinator at Reprogenesis told me they can modify the timing of the IVF by using birth control pills and I trust them. They've done this a few times.

We've changed apartments too and are staying in this one:   It's similar to the one in my last post, but bigger and looks more like a regular apartment, except super freakin fancy. :)  We'll be there for approximately 16 days and DH will be with me the entire time.

Originally I was gonna fly there alone and then meet up with him a week later, but I realized that this is too emotional to do alone. And I can't imagine having to give myself bum injections. Oh, and I won't have to lift a finger the whole time (which the clinic requires after ET anyway), so that's a plus. And I'm a super newb when it comes to traveling abroad, so it'll help to have someone with me the whole time in case I have a nervous breakdown in the airport.

And that's the plan. I should get my period sometime this weekend which will then be followed up by getting blood drawn for all my hormones (LH, FSH, TSH, Estradiol, and Prolactin). Never thought I'd be excited about a blood draw..

I think I'm gonna start writing more technical posts, too. I really want this blog to benefit someone who is considering doing IVF abroad. I've found a few blogs about it and it really helped to read a personal point of view. So at some point I'll write a list of all the things Reprogenesis has required me to do and questions I've asked. Just not today.

Today I needed to force myself to write. And I did. There it is.

Let the fun begin.

We had our consultation today with Reprogenesis in Brno, Czech Republic. It was awesome. They called us over Skype and we voice chatted while parked in front of the nearest AT&T store. We have HORRIBLE cell reception and internet at our apartment, so calling from home was not an option. Fortunately, the AT&T store didn't open till 10 and we had our call at 8 so we camped out there for an hour.

The doctor was really helpful and his English was very good. He answered all of my questions and went through the IVF process in detail. Needless to say, I'm excited. I wish it was October already. And the obsessive organizer in me wants to start taking birth control pills next month so I can know exactly when we'll have to be there.

Part of the process leading up to IVF is being on birth control pills which is done to regulate your cycle. Plus, I think it makes your ovaries "quiet" so that when they inject you with crazy hormones your ovaries will be like, "holy crap, I wanna make 1 million eggs!!!"  Or at least, that's my interpretation of it.

The doc recommended that we do PICSI to give the sperms a little extra *oomph* which will only improve our chances. Clearly these aren't real medical terms, but I'll spare you the gory details. We're planning to do the embryoscope too which will increase our chances an additional 5 - 10% (from a 50% chance of success), and in the world of infertility, that's a lot! Right now we have about 1 - 2% chance to conceive on our own, so I feel pretty good about these odds. The clinic has a success rate of 60% for women up to 40 doing IVF with their own eggs (as opposed to donor eggs). They don't break it down for women under 35, which I think if they did that it'd be an even better percentage. Your chances to conceive start to steadily decline after 35.

So it's been a good day. It's gonna be hard to not have any structure over the next few months. I finished up school yesterday and got a big ol' A. I'm kind of a rockstar at takin' 1 class at a time. Don't be jelly.  ;)

I guess that's it for now. I'm not feeling particularly sassy or funny, so this is more of a general update. Oh and here's a picture of the apartment that I booked (tentative dates, of course) while I'll be staying in Brno. Super cute, right??


It's a 5 minute ride to the clinic and in the middle of everything. There's a grocery store right down the street so I can stock up and eat real food while I'm there. There's a kitchenette and a burner too. Below is the view and the tiny terrace. Yes, I will be drinking coffee out there in the morning. So. Excited.

Control and my lack thereof

Ever feel that you have absolutely no control? Spend two plus years in the trenches of infertility and you will be well acquainted with that feeling. So this is my attempt at control - I'm researching the crap out of IVF in the Czech Republic.

It's intense. At the moment, we're trying to choose a clinic. I have found myself being excited and set on one place, only to stumble upon another website with amazing statistics and great accommodation. Then I realize they're too expensive and go back to the drawing board. It's a merry-go-round. A foreign, confusing, time sucking merry-go-round.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I'm oozing with anticipation of the possibility of pregnancy by the end of the year. After all, I kind of gave up on that idea a while ago. Sure, it could happen. It's possible. It's also possible that a record producer could hear me singing along to some tunes in my car with the windows down and offer me a record deal on the spot.

Okay, maybe that last part's not so possible..

But this is more than a dream. It's really, truly, honestly possible now. I've seen our chances. I've read all the scientific research I could get my hands on. I've seen the glowing patient reviews. That could be me. I want to be that kind of statistic. The kind that gives other people hope. I don't wanna be 1 in 7 anymore. That sucks. It's depressing. And more importantly, it sucks. I said that twice but it was worth repeating.

So that's been my life lately. When I'm not doing studious school-type things, I'm googling hotels in Prague, scouring countless infertility message boards, and counting every penny we can put towards treatment.

I haven't even thought about how painful IVF can be. I can't think about that. It's going to happen.. The pain, that is. So many shots. Some in the tummy, some in the leg, some in the bum.

They're all gonna hurt. But that's par for the course.  I've heard that some people get pregnant by just having sex and that it's fun??? Clearly someone's spreading lies because it's impossible to get pregnant without at least 2 shots, a handful of pills, and a room full of doctors. Right? Or at least that's what I've been told.

I just want it to be October already. I want to have chosen the clinic, talked to the doctors, and ordered the medication. I want to have the plane tickets in hand and my luggage packed. But I guess I'll wait. What's a few months now, anyway? 

In the mean time, I get to have control over my spreadsheet. You know the one - it's full of clinic names, dates, prices, numbers, websites, etc. I'm gonna take it everywhere with me and when I start to feel like I can't control anything, I'll look at my spreadsheet and all will be right with the world.

That's weird, right? I'm weird.

Weeded Out.

So I've been learning about natural selection lately. And in learning more about this subject, an idea keeps nagging at my brain: In the animal world, we would be the ones weeded out. Nature is sending us a message that our genes are not fit to be passed on. But despite this message, and nature's plan to encourage a stronger, healthier human race, it occurs to me that we don't necessarily fall into this category.

Why? Because we are not godless. Animals, while I believe they are soulless, are a part of nature. They are products of their environment and live and die as such. We are more than that. I can't help but think of Sarah and Abraham. At the age she conceived Isaac was nothing short of miraculous. But, according to nature, and if we followed its code, Abraham would have left Sarah and found another mate to pass along his genes. But God had other plans for that couple.

Just as He has other plans for us.

For a while here, I've been lost. I've wandered a bit. My prayer life hasn't been what it should be and I've known it. After the last failed fertility treatment, my heart closed itself off a bit. I know it was wrong. For the most part, I've been receptive to His teaching throughout this journey, but I retreated. I'm back now. I'm done wallowing. Even if every fiber of my being tells me that I am entitled to wallow, I know that God can relieve me of my heartache, that I don't need to drown myself in its shallow waters to feel that I'm grieving.

I looked back today on how many times I've asked God to give me joy and peace and hope, and how many moments I must have taken for granted that the sting of infertility didn't pierce my heart as deeply as it could have. How often he shielded me from pain that would've easily overtaken me, ruined my day, steered me into a dark place.  How often he gave me a smile, a lightness in my heart that didn't come from the sunshine over my head, but the joy in which He bathed my heart. How many times have I taken for granted the kindness and love in my husband's eyes as he held me in his arms and thanked God for his wife. How many moments in our short marriage He has given us grace and wisdom to speak with gentleness to each other when our words could have so easily damaged our fragile hearts.

So today, I am thankful. And humbled. Once again, God has shown me grace that I could never deserve. Grace that should have been taken away time after time.

What a magnificent God He is.

And my song shall ever be:
Oh, how marvelous!
Oh, how wonderful!
Is my Savior's love for me!

IVF, Europe, and just because.

Where to start?  I've been an absentee blogger as of recent, not for lack of events in my life, but more like a lot of distractions. We visited my husband's family for his youngest sister's high school graduation last weekend. It was wonderful to see everyone but it was an incredibly rushed trip. We pretty much drove all night Friday, saw her graduate on Saturday, and left on Sunday. Got back at 5 in the morning. Fun stuff.

And then there was a puppy picture.

I spent a majority of last week recovering from that and working on school stuff. Oh, I started a psychology course! It's awesome! I love it. I know I'm about 10 years behind everyone else who took this stuff when they were 19, but I'm at a point in my life when I can really enjoy it. I feel like if I had gone to college in my late teens, I'd have used that time to hang out with friends and be rambunctious.  So in a way, I'm blessed to have the opportunity to learn now.. when I know how valuable education is. Having worked that much harder to compete with all the college grads in my life wasn't easy. But whatever, I'm taking one class. Whoopdeedoo.

I posted my blog to pinterest for the first time the other day. I got a bunch of hits from it. I like knowing that people are reading my story. It is a little unnerving tho... Knowing that friends and strangers are peeking into the window of my life.  But I've always been somewhat of an open book. Now that infertility has all but taken over, it's even more so. I've noticed that I'm much more... vocal about things that I probably would not have been pre-IF. But that's the way life is - you grow and change. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's just because. I'm probably somewhere in the land of "just because" at the moment.

Okay onto the important stuff: IVF. Yes, we're really doing it. I had a sneaking suspicion when we started this journey that we'd end up doing IVF. I'm surprisingly at peace with it. We're looking at IVF in the Czech Republic. Now before you go, "huh??" I'll tell you that it's a completely legitimate idea. There are plenty of couples who travel overseas for fertility treatment. It's hella cheaper (think $2,500 for IVF - less meds - to $11,000 - less meds in the US) and the facilities are very modern and on the cutting edge of new technologies. I'm so excited. AND I get to go to Europe!!! Win, win for me!

Of course, DH will be coming with me.. Just, later. I'll have to be there for about 21 days for injections and monitoring and then DH will get there a week later and do his businesses. We're starting to plan for it now. I'm waiting to hear back from the clinic to start the process. We're thinking it'll probably happen sometime between October and January.. depending on when DH can get time off of work and how expensive flights are.

In the mean time, I feel normal. I'm not spending every waking moment wondering if we'll be pregnant this month. I'm at peace with the fact that there's only a 1% chance that we will. And that's fine. It's not great. It's not good. But it's fine. 

Eating Our Feelings

We went to the beach. The water was freezing so there was no swimming, but Dixie was all about the water. It was adorable. The weather was actually pretty good. It did rain but it was after our beach going so we were in the hotel room anyway. It was a nice time. A pleasant distraction.

You see, this past Friday was our big appointment with the new RE. He was fantastic. He spent over an hour with us, went over every piece of information we provided him and really shot it straight. So yeah, we were pleased with him. It's just... well, the news wasn't so great.

If you've been following our story, you know we've done 3 IUIs. DH's numbers were good for one and not so fabulous for the other two. In the words of our new RE, his results were "dismal." Ouch. DH seemed unphased but that one stung. Our last doc didn't seem concerned with his numbers; in fact, they pinned the issue mostly with me. "Ovulatory dysfunction" he called it.

Well new RE disagreed. After reviewing all of my blood tests, ultrasound results and response to medications, he thinks that I'm just about perfect. Sure, my cycles could be a bit longer, but they're well within the normal range.

So that left poor DH. We had suspected that there might be a sperm issue, but no one had pinpointed it before. This time we finally got a clear answer. The new RE didn't think that it would be impossible for us to get pregnant doing another IUI, but the chances were slim. I think he said 5% to 10% at best. And putting me on injectables (which is what our next plan was going to be at Wake Forest) would be a waste of time because I'm responding well enough to Femara.

Then he took out the big guns: IVF. He didn't want to scare us or pressure us into doing something we weren't ready for, but he assured us that the sperm issues we were having would no longer be a problem with IVF.

We weren't prepared to hear that. We walked in there thinking that he'd give us a different protocol for our next IUIs or run some more blood tests for me or maybe a laparoscopy. But nope. All of that would be a waste of time...Technically we're still unexplained but most likely MFI.

So here we are. Candidates for IVF. Wow.. who'd have thought it.

We talked about IVF for a good part of our trip there and back. I wanted to know when IVF could happen and DH was just processing all this new information. I knew hearing that it could be MFI would hit him pretty hard. He's used to being the guy who can fix everything. And he does. Somehow, some way he fixes everything. But he can't fix this. We're helpless on our own and that breaks his heart, my heart. It kills me to know that he takes responsibility for us not being pregnant. I know in my heart that it's the combination of the two of us, but he doesn't buy it. But honestly, regardless of whose biological issue it is, we're not pregnant and God intended it to be this way.

So this was a heavy weekend. Coupled with that stupid greeting card holiday, it was a lot to take in. But we're starting to look at overseas IVF because IVF here at home won't be an option for years.

Where do you go from here? How do you just wake up one day and realize that your body has betrayed you and still be fine? I'm willing to do pretty much anything to start a family.

And after all that, we decided to have nachos for dinner last night. I'm pretty sure that was the first time DH has ever eaten his feelings (I'm a veteran, naturally) and he certainly deserved to. I love that man. I'm so proud to call him my husband. Proud of how hard he works on a daily basis.  Proud that he takes such good care of me, of his family. And one day I hope to make him a father because I know he'll be amazing. I want him to feel confident in everything he does, so my new mission in life is to make sure he feels 100% supported, loved, taken care of and well fed. Seriously, you can't neglect the food part.

And any extra prayers you happen to have lying around you can throw our way.

Puppies and Pity

We're getting our puppy today!!  So to be clear, we already have one dog. She's a beautiful 3 year old lab mix named Dixie who's only 32 lbs and still looks like a puppy. Everyone's always surprised when I tell them how old she is. My husband got her when she was the littlest puppy and I met her when she was two. She's the sweetest girl, absolutely loves to snuggle and is incredibly well behaved. The only problem is her shyness around other dogs. Whenever we take her to the dog park, it takes her awhile to even let other dogs come near her. At the vet the other day, the doc told me that getting a new puppy might help bring her out of her shell. I hope that's the case.

Dixie and her weird flipped back ear lol

Our new puppy, Brighton, is a little yellow/white lab mix. He's got a tiny pink nose and green eyes. Adorbs. I already love him and we only spent two hours together. I'm supposed to pick him up today around noon, but the way my life goes, I'll believe it when I see it.

This is a common thing I've noticed...  Infertiles getting dogs in lieu of children. I'm very aware that Brighton is not a baby and I won't treat him as such, but it's the first thing in my life that I'll have from the (almost) beginning. I am so aching with love to give that I can't wait for something to shower in it. I know a puppy is not a replacement for a baby, but I've been waiting two years for a child with not even a glimmer of hope. A puppy, we can buy. Or in this case, rescue.

I feel that the hole in my heart for my unborn baby is a deep, dark cavern, filled with cracks and chilling water. It's been shaken so many times that it becomes deeper and deeper through each heartbreak. This puppy will fill the tiniest fraction of the cavern. Maybe it will become a guard rail at the opening to caution any viewers that might fall into the endless abyss. All I know is that I'll have something to hold. Something that I can call mine.

When we went looking for puppy stuff the other day, I felt an excitement that I had long since buried. Tiny accessories for a tiny body. Sure, it was leashes and collars and dog bowls, but it was new and little and I could buy them without the objects mocking me with their uselessness in my life right now.

See I don't ever go into the baby section of stores. I try to avoid them like the plague. Anything with a tiny child's face on it is like kryptonite to me. They have no use in my life at the moment and sometimes I feel like they won't ever will. So I stay away, far, far away. Because far away is the safest place for me. If I don't see that babies and families and pregnant women exist, I can forget, for a time, that they do.

And that is what's been on my mind as of late. I'm sure those who know our situation might think to themselves, "Good for them, at least they'll have a puppy." I know it's true. Sometimes I can sense their pity. They can't relate to the pain and for most, empathy is difficult and out of reach, so they pity me and my sad state. It's fine. I don't need it, but it's better than apathy. But that's a whole other post. ;)

So, yeah. Puppy. Today. Pictures to come.

Bitter Betty's on Board. Look out.

I think I'm gonna buy myself some flowers from 1-800-flowers so I can stop getting these annoying m-day reminders. I'll label it "From: My Unborn Children - Sorry we're taking so long to get to you, we're really lazy."

Well, kids, it's not polite to make people wait so long.

And you know what else bugs me? When pregnant people who didn't do anything except try the natural way, has someone tell them "Congratulations!" Oh yeah.. you worked SO hard. Way to have sex with your wife!

Why doesn't anyone congratulate me??? "Good job trying 39 times (yep, I counted today, we've tried for 39 cycles) to get pregnant! You're a real trooper!" Who tries 39 times to do anything???  If I had to try 39 times to succeed at anything else, I would've stopped like 30 times ago. This is ridiculous.

I want a freakin m-day card that tells me how sorry the universe is for making me put up with all this happy mother's day crap.

So "FURIOUS!!" Aaaarrrggghhh!!!

Yup. That's really how I feel. Sorry if I just blew up your house with my angry tornado rant.

The Confidence of Stupidity

Just in case I wasn't sure about switching fertility clinics before... This is the conversation that took place today between me and the receptionist at our old clinic:

"Hi, I'm here to sign a release for all of my medical records."

"Sure. Oh, are you pregnant??"

" .....no."

"Okay then."

Thank you for making me answer that question, worst receptionist lady of all time. Just your friendly neighborhood reminder that I'm still not pregnant.

"Please, God, not today.."

We visited a new church today. It was ginormous. So big that they needed multiple signs to tell you how to get to where you wanted to go. And I think they had about 80 bathrooms. But we've been searching for a new church for months and we felt pretty confident about this one. I particularly felt good about it.

You see, I was actually feeling good when I woke up today. With the impending d-day (I refuse to use the "m" word anymore), I felt relatively calm and level-headed. We'd been having a great weekend and enjoyed doing regular couple things and especially enjoyed not having to move anything. That was the big plus. We just relaxed.  Oh and we also chose a puppy who will be coming home next week! But I'll talk more about that in another post..

So considering my frame of mind this morning, I thought for sure that this service would be easy to sit through, enjoyable and maybe we'd even chat with some patrons afterwards.

But all that changed the minute we sat down.

Being in the upper balcony, we squinted to see several people congregating at the front of the stage. "Oh no," we said, glancing at one another. "Please, God, not today. I'm really trying..." I thought. But to my dismay, those two dreadful words flashed up on the screens:

Baby Dedication Day

Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!  WHY?!?!?  Why today of all days?!  Why can't we just catch a break already?! Why does this misery follow us around like a plague?!?

I wanted to leave. At that moment, I wanted to get up and run to the nearest exit. But we stayed. Shrunken in our seats, we agonized through all 20 minutes (no kidding) of this painful morning. I cringed at every baby's face that was plastered on the screen and even more so when the congregation "ooo" and "ahh-ed" at each one. And it was like a knife in my heart when the pastor would talk only to the parents and grandparents and leave out the bleeding hearts who so desperately wanted to join their elusive club.

Needless to say, it crushed my peaceful state of mind. I was officially in a funk. I couldn't even tell you what the rest of the sermon was about. With all the people scattered around us, I didn't feel the need to censor my eye-rolling. It probably wasn't the most Christianly thing to do, but I was worn down. Tired of going from church to church and feeling the same way. Tired of putting on a brave face when inside I was crumbling. It was just too much. Too hard.

After the sermon was over, we bolted out the door and decided to do something we never do. Go out to lunch! Yes, I know that might seem silly to you, but we're very frugal people. Going out to eat is not a normal option for us, but I had a bucket full of feelings that needed to be eaten, and that could only be done with a big delicious sandwich. So eat them I did.

And that was my morning.

Caution: Sadness Crossing

Boston. How I miss you. I only lived outside the city (Allston then Brighton) for a short time, but my heart has always been there. If it hadn't been for meeting my amazing husband and moving to NC, I'm sure I'd still be there today... 10 minutes away from the bombing site and among the chaos that is this crazy manhunt. It's hard to concentrate on anything else except the heartache and suspense of finding the terrorists who have hurt so many people. Yet I find myself reflecting on so much sadness today.

I've tried to put TTC out of my mind for this month. I've tried to focus on moving and organizing and buying new things for our apartment, but it's hard. Hard to know that today could have been our 4th IUI. Next month marks another mother's day that I can't celebrate.

In a few weeks is my niece's 1st birthday. How I adore that little girl, yet her big day brings back such painful memories for me. I wish I could've been at her birth and held my sister(inlaw)'s hand. I wish that seeing that baby girl for the first time would have only brought me overwhelming joy. But it's with mixed emotions that I face the next few weeks.  I would love nothing more than to share in what seems like the rest of the world's happy time. A (seemingly) whole month devoted to celebrating mothers. A title that I long to have. An identity that continues to elude me. But how I chase it. Every moment of every day I'm reminded of what I am not. At the store, on tv, outside my home and at church. Everywhere there are pictures of the happy family that I don't have.

I don't mean to be morose  I've been trying to keep busy with various life things but it's the quiet times that I remember the hole in my heart. Its gentle aching as I snuggle my puppy. Especially the times that I pick her up and hold her on my lap. What I wouldn't give to be holding my child..

*sigh*

....Speaking of puppies, and a change of subject before we all drown ourselves in my depression, we're trying to adopt one! A puppy that is. I found myself at the Guilford County Animal Shelter a few days ago, playing with the most adorable 7 week old puppy. Black and white and cute all over. (sorry the quality's not so great - she wouldn't sit still for her photo-op)

Oh it is so happening. I will adopt a puppy if it's the last thing I do. Or at least the first thing I accomplish this summer.

And with that note, I'm gonna go buy myself something pretty. Specifically makeup, groceries and possibly some dry shampoo. Oh, the exciting life I live.

And the journey continues..

I have to say, this has been a difficult week. Found out (not surprisingly) on Sunday morning that the IUI didn't work. Still went to church tho, so I get 5 points. I've been in a daze ever since. I don't know if I thought this one would work, but it feels different this time. I think it's because we're taking a break from treatments for a while. The last few times the IUI's failed, AF meant, not just that it didn't work, but that we could start over again. This time it means that it's over.. for the time being.

The other night we were sitting on the porch drinking beers (hallelujah) and it dawned on me... We've been trying for more than 2 years and over 30 cycles, yet I have never once seen two pink lines. Not even a little bit. Nothing.

See I decided to test this last time because I theorized that maybe I was getting pregnant but losing it soon after. Of course my theory was mistaken, but it meant that I bought a pregnancy test for the first time in a year. I stopped buying them because they were a waste of money and I could tell by my temperature if AF was coming or not.

I guess that's why this time is harder for me. I realized that this means I won't be a mother for stupid mother's day.. again. And that just breaks my heart a little more every time I think about it. The silver lining is the trip that we'll be taking to the beach. We went last year as well after I explained to DH that I couldn't stand the idea of attending church for "that day."  This year is no different. Another year past and still no baby. No pregnancy.

I'm sure I'll feel a little better as time goes on. I did start drinking regular coffee again and drinking beer. I stopped all of that for the last 3ish months and it's been freeing to be normal again.

I am looking forward to a few things: we're moving next Monday to Greensboro. We live outside the city limits at the moment and this move will put us in the perfect area. Very excited. We'll also be saving $200 a month which we can put towards a house downpayment/IVF.

But I'm just taking these moments in stride for now. To be honest, I stopped asking God for a pregnancy over the last few days. I know this isn't true, but my heart just feels like it's a waste of time. Actually putting that down in words makes it feel worse than it did before. I have to work on that. I hope the Lord is patient with me. Oh and I signed us up for a group counseling session at a local hospital  It's specifically for dealing with infertility. I'm hoping it'll be good for us and, who knows, maybe we'll make some friends in the process.

That's all for now. It's 7pm and DH hasn't left work yet. Crossing my finger's that he'll call me soon. Till next time.

Things I wish I could say

Stay away from Target! At least until after Easter. That's the mistake that DH and I made today. We needed a few odds and ends so we braved the stores today. It was packed with families, children, babies, pregnant ladies, you name it. They were there... Waiting.. to ruin my day.

Fortunately we got in and outta there pretty quickly. And big news for me: I bought a pregnancy test. No, no, I don't think I'm pregnant, although I suppose it is possible (currently on 7dpiui) but I want to actually check this time. Normally I'll just temp until the end of a cycle and can predict exactly when AF will show up, but this time I want to see if I'm getting "a little pregnant" and then losing it. So for real this time, I'm gonna test on 11dpiui. I'm not expecting anything miraculous, but then again, my God is the God of miracles.

Onto more hilarious things..

I have a friend person who I've fallen out with as of late. Nothing spectacularly bad happened,  but we just kind of parted ways. It was prompted by her inability to regulate what she'd say around me. More often than not I'd leave her presence feeling just a little bit awful and it was always due to my infertility and her lack of empathy. Or at least the amount of empathy that I require.

I guess I'm a little hard on my friends that way. I've learned that you can't control the outside world (see: Target) but you can control who you befriend. In the past I would have probably kept someone around who occasionally insulted me, but since the knife cuts so deep with infertility, I can't spare the extra blood. I need my heart intact. I've learned that the easiest way to do this is simply distance yourself from those who don't have your best interest in mind. Oh, they may say they do, but their actions speak a different story.

Which brings me to the funny part. She recently lost her job (okay, that's not so funny) and I found this out in an email she wrote me. To give her credit, she was reaching out but I was definitely stiff-arming her. Part of my brain wants to just make her my friend again so there'll be no conflict, but the other part knows that I'll just feel crappy again, and that's the part I listen to.

Well I never responded to this email (sorry if I didn't feel heartbroken that she lost her job.. I had just finished a second failed IUI and would take a job loss over that any day) so she eventually wrote me again asking if I had moved. I decided to be cordial and told her we were planning to move in a few weeks and asked if she had found work yet. Her response was short: No, she hadn't found work yet. I had to restrain myself from responding what I really wanted to say... Here are a few snippits that popped into my head:

"Just relax, it'll happen."

"Are you sure you're looking for jobs correctly? Maybe you're looking for the wrong position."

"Oh I understand.. My best friend's cousin's next door neighbor lost a job too. It was so sad."

"You should just intern somewhere! It's not a paying position, but at least you'll have something to do with your time!"

"Seriously?? You can have my job! I'm so busy I can hardly stand it!!"

"You just lost your job? Oh that's such a bummer. I just got hired at the best job ever!! I'm so thrilled!!"

"Maybe you were just working too hard, so they had to let you go. Ya never know.."

"I swear, when you stop looking for a job, that's when you'll find one."

"My husband has more jobs than he can handle! I swear he sleeps and he makes money!" 

"I knew a girl who took a crappy job, then whaddya know, the next month her dream job fell into her lap!"

and my personal favorite...

"That's just awful. My uncle got laid off from a job once. He never found another. Poor guy. He died alone."


I should be a career counselor.

Sunday's Dilemma

Okay, I'll admit it. I am totally dreading going to church this Sunday. It's Easter and we all know what that means... Children everywhere. In their tiny suits and dresses and parents fawning all over their cuteness.

I realize that I am completely missing the point of Easter Sunday and the miraculousness that occurred 2,000 years ago, but it's hard to focus on Christ's triumphant return when all you see around you are children's candy, Easter baskets, and how to make your kid look as adorable as possible.

So I'll be praying. A lot. I would love nothing more than to focus on Jesus' resurrection. I pray that He will be with me on Sunday when I dodge the little tykes dressed in their finest. I pray that He will return my wandering thoughts to His purpose for this day. Because I really don't want to think about other people's kids. I just want to think about Him and how He can work in my life. And I hope he does. He deserves my every ounce of attention, especially on this day.

IUI #3 and the case of the evil doctor

It's 2 days past our 3rd IUI. I never enjoy these procedures  but I particularly disliked this last one. I had my least favorite doctor at the practice (there are 3) who performed my first IUI after which I bled for 3 days. The IUI itself was somewhat painful and then afterwards I had cramping for several days. She did my ultrasound once as well which was also painful. She's just bad. I'm very unhappy with her and I hate when she's (seemingly randomly) selected as my doctor.

So as I'm laying oh-so-vulnerably on the table in the waiting room, feet in stirrups and a blanket draped over my lap, I confess to this doctor that the first time she did my IUI, it was painful. I asked if she could possibly slow down this time as to not hurt me. Her reaction was less than empathetic. She told me that my cervix was the problem and that I have some type of tissue that would just be scratched no matter what. I replied that when a different doctor did my second IUI, not only did I not even feel it, there was not a drop of blood when he was done. She said that she'd done hundreds of these and that SHE wasn't the problem.

If I hadn't been in such a state as I was, I'd have kicked her in the face. Unfortunately, she was just about to do the IUI and I didn't want to make her mad in case she would hurt me more. Needless to say, it hurt this time as well, but not as bad as the time before. Her reaction was infuriating and I plan to request her taken off my case.

Now that I got that out, I feel a little better. We've decided to start possibly looking for a new RE. We've barely spoken to Dr. Y as it is and it seems like no one at this clinic is really concerned about our issues. I had initial blood work taken but beyond that, I haven't heard a peep. Finally I asked the very sweet nurse who always recognizes us when we come in, what our next step should be. I let her know that I already made an appointment with Dr. Y to discuss what we should do next and she assured me that he'd have a plan for us which would probably include injectables. But because I'm so "young" he's not in a hurry to move us along.

So what, I have to be 38 to get some attention around here?!?!  Because my FSH is only 9.8 I'm not considered an important enough case??  My DH's results have been less than stellar, but I don't see any concern. Why not?!

This is why we're looking for a new clinic. I just want to know that someone's even looking at our file. I feel like we're just put away, never to be seen again until I initiate contact. It's all so exhausting.

DH's numbers weren't awesome this time. Last IUI they were 19mil, this time 7.5mil. He was so discouraged when they told him the numbers. If I wasn't on the table at the time, I would have hugged him so hard. It just breaks my heart to think that he feels like the problem. Honestly, I believe it's the combination of us both. My less than stellar egg quality and his not-so perfect numbers.

We decided to take next cycle off if this one is not successful. I need a break from the meds and from never being able to drink coffee or wine or eat tumeric. Yes, tumeric..  lol Apparently it stimulates the uterus which is a no-no for TTC. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells during the TWW. I'm tired. I need to relax for a bit and not monitor everything I do.

So here we are. Two days past IUI. I wonder what the next two weeks shall hold..

Sarah's Laughter

I'm not sure if you've heard of this wonderful ministry, but it's called "Sarah's Laughter" and you can subscribe to their daily newsletters. It's Christian support through infertility and it has brought me out of some very dark times. You can find the website here: http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/ 

Today, I needed to be reminded that I'm being watched. No, not in a creepy peeping neighbor kind of way, but in a 'is my testimony for Christ what it should be' kind of way. I'm not gonna lie.. I have been the worst friend these past few months. We made a little group of friends at a church a year ago and I have done my best to distance myself from them. The reasons are complicated, but I have blamed infertility on much of it. I feel guilty about it all the time, but I can't bring myself to reach out to them or anyone. That's partially why I started this blog.

Infertility is so isolating and the heartbreak devastates so much of your life that I gave myself the go-ahead to become a recluse. I certainly wasn't trying to, but it happened. And when I have bad days and want to scowl at every mother with a baby that I see, sometimes I let myself do that too. Now I'm sure if those women were to spend a moment in my head and feel how my heart was breaking, they'd cut me some slack, but they don't know what I'm going through. And the more that I allow myself to let those feelings fester, the easier it is to become bitter. I don't want to be bitter. I pray daily for joy. I pray for joy just as much as I do for a child. Some days I need it more than others.

Today is one of those days. We had another failed IUI. Another failed IUI. Blech. I hate saying that. I guess we're starting a 3rd IUI. I received my meds today...  I'm not wholeheartedly in this cycle tho. I miss coffee and wine and feeling normal. If these cycles do anything to me, it takes away my feeling or normalcy. I feel like a lab rat and I'm living a live of restriction. I can't stand that.. And then when the cycle fails, I inevitably think "what did I do wrong? should I have eaten different things? should I not drink tea either? did I cause myself to miscarry early?"

I talked to my husband about these very things last night. He assured me that there's nothing I could have done differently and then he actually thanked me for putting myself through all the things I have. That was lovely to hear. :) I have an incredible husband. If I have anything to be thankful for through this trial, it's that infertility has brought us so close together. I can't quite put into words how grateful I am, but I'm astounded every day at how much we love each other. When other marriages are struggling under the heavy weight of infertility, ours has only been strengthened. 

Which  brings me back to my being watched. I have read many women's stories of their difficult journey and how torn apart their marriages were after enduring years of infertility. And all I can think when I see that is "if they only knew my Saviour, if they only knew what peace He could give them. If they only knew that they could ask Him for joy and He would give it to them." Then I'm reminded that I should always be a light in the darkness of this heartache. That no matter how hurt I'm feeling, God will never leave me and He has promised to give me strength. For this, I am the most grateful. Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Thank you, Lord, for this promise. 

Thursday, thursday, thursday..

Oh what a week..  This has been a really difficult week for me. I'm in the 2WW after our second IUI (9dpiui). DH has been working at the factory in Greensboro which means he has our one vehicle and I am stuck at home. This means I have plenty of hours to obsess and google and wonder whether or not this cycle will be a positive one. My gut feeling is that it won't be. I have already started researching IVF clinics.

I have found several clinics in the area and even some that are doing clinical trials. One offers $3000 off the full price of IVF which is pretty good.  I don't know why I'm already thinking about IVF.. From what we've discussed, we'll try as many IUI's as the doctor will let us. DH's sperm count was great last time and I respond well enough to a low dosage of femara. We should be able to do several IUI's before moving on.  I just don't know how to deal with this anymore

At least last year I had my school to distract me. Now it's March and I'm finding myself just twiddling my thumbs, waiting to find out what's going to happen. I started planning our vow renewal to take place later this year, but since we started fertility treatments, it's been the last thing on my mind. I just want to be a mother so badly. I've been picturing myself being pregnant for the first time in a long time. It doesn't seem so far fetched anymore.

Well I've been praying and sleeping and trying to be healthy. I think I will try acupuncture next cycle along with another IUI. I hope this will be our last treatment, but I'm realistic. Just trying to get through this week..

IUI #2

Wow, so much has happened in the past few days...It's been pretty busy around the apartment. We had IUI #2 this past Tuesday. That makes today 2DPIUI. The timing wasn't so perfect because we had to travel to Winston-Salem since they only do IUI's in the Greensboro location on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. This meant that we needed to get a hotel room for the night and wake up the next morning, time everything perfectly and get all of our stuff outta the room to make it on time to the appointment  The doctor's office ended up rescheduling us the day before from 9:30 to 11:30. I was pretty stressed about that, but the doctor who performed the IUI seemed absolutely thrilled with the timing.

The good news was that DH's numbers were 5x better (yep, you read that right) than the first IUI. Talk about a boost of self confidence! We were so happy to hear that. Unfortunately that doesn't guarantee that the IUI will work, but it certainly means that we can rule out MFI. 

So now I'm in the dreaded 2WW. Yesterday I was completely exhausted and spent the day being barely awake. Today I let myself sleep in a little more and had energy to go for a walk and do some chores around the house. Altogether it was a very low-key day but that's how most of my days are spent when I don't have the truck. 

I watched the 2nd season of Guiliana&Bill with DH yesterday and it really hit home with us. Besides the fact that they were a little clueless about what an IUI was, it was nice to hear the voice of infertility so proudly rung on tv. But it's still hard not having anyone to confide in IRL. The only girl I knew who was struggling with IF, ended up getting pregnant at the end of last year without assistance. I was happy for her but, you know how that goes, she's joined the "others," no longer in the silent sorority.

I don't know if this cycle is going to work. I want it to so badly. I pray that it does, but I'm also trusting in God's plan for us. He knows the perfect time for me to get pregnant and even though I think now would suit us just fine, He has the final say. So I pray for faith and hope and believe that God will bless us with a family when He sees fit. *sigh*

And that's it for the moment. Now I'm off to make some dinner!

Big day: IUI #1

Here it is, early 2013.. Can you believe it's already February? Well it is. So much has happened already this year. My SIL and BIL moved to Greensboro and are staying with us till they land on their feet. It's wonderful having them around but I'm sure they're ready to get out on their own again. I know how hard it is moving somewhere new. It can be challenging for sure. 

Now onto the important stuff: we had our first IUI. It was around 10am on 1/31. It was pretty stressful. I was initially told that we'd get there at 8, hand in the sample, have it processed and be ready to do the IUI by 8:30. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind waiting.. for a baby, I'll wait all day, but my expectations were that the processing of the sample would only take 30 minutes. Instead, we waited for 1.5 hours. Talk about anticipation. Just as DH was about to get up and ask them if something was wrong, they called my name.

The IUI wasn't too painful, but my cervix did get nicked when they inserted the catheter. It was a little shocking and mostly just crampy with some bleeding aftewards. I felt delicate for the rest of the day. DH dropped me off at home and I just sat on the couch for hours scared to move and mess up something. The doctor also told us to have sex the night of the IUI and the day after. That was pretty nerve wracking as I was still worried that I'd bump something and it'd all get ruined. Of course this isn't true, otherwise they wouldn't tell us to do it.

So now it's 4dpiui. I've been experiencing some cramping and bloating, but who knows if that's in my head, if it's ohss, or just regular tummy problems. I have no clue. I've been praying like a crazy person. I realize that if this doesn't work, we have the means to try again next cycle, and we will. But I want this to work. I really want this to work.

I hope and pray that our infertility journey will end in 2 weeks, but I'm also realistic about it. DH's numbers weren't fantastic but they were "good enough." I found out that my FSH is a little high but my AMH was perfect. Holy relief! All my other levels were totally fine. Maybe it's a little bit of endo? Who knows.

I'm hoping I can look back on this blog in a few months and remember this struggle and learn from it, but know that we can move past it. I hope so. I pray that'll happen. I really really do.